The Secret Life of an Unknown Housewife

The right to be happy.

2012-01-30T21:30:00.001Z

I posted a little while ago about having to bite my tongue and not tell someone how I felt about them. I am not a person who likes confrontation and I will avoid it if possible, but when I do eventually decide that the time has come to speak up ... I do.

I have had two occasions recently where I have felt compelled to speak out. I have not enjoyed either experience, but I know I have done the right thing. Some people, when they get angry, lose control. I go the other way. For me its as if the world slows right down and I know exactly what to say, how to counter arguments.

I am not rude. I am not aggressive. But I do speak my mind and I do not shy away from telling someone what I think of a situation. I am not prepared to be walked over.

There are some people who think that they can use their position to intimidate. Some people think that others will be afraid to speak their mind and be afraid to stand up for those around them who are weak and defenceless. Well, those people are bullies and I am not going to be bullied by them.

I am not going to go into the details on here. I would prefer that neither incident had happened, but they have, and although they have left me with a bitter after taste I know that if I had sat back and said nothing, taken what they were doling out to me, I would have felt worse.

So, we shall see what happens next. I have the right to be happy.

A confession ... my throat is sore from screaming at my son.

2012-01-27T16:29:00.000Z

This is a confession. It has been a lifetime since I confessed to anyone. This morning as I drove to work my throat was practically bleeding from screaming at my eldest son. Bleeding...

I heard him, the other day, on the phone planning a sickie and when he started to tell me he felt ill last night I girded my loins for trouble. In our house you don't get a day off school or work unless you are vomiting or bleeding all over the carpet and it takes a mastermind crossed with the acting ability of Robert Downey Junior to get past me.

So, the huffing and puffing last night and the early night didn't cut it. Especially as he was still listening to the football on the radio until 10pm. When I went in to get him up this morning he told me he felt sick and couldn't possibly go to school ...

I'm afraid I gave him short shrift. It is the classic tale of the boy who cried wolf ... he has attempted to pull the wool over my eyes (unsuccessfully) so many times that I have no patience. He forgets that I have known him for 14 years and have nursed him through various bouts of genuine illness, from chicken pox to tummy bugs. I have mopped his brow and his vomit at all times of day and night. I have sat up with him stroking his hair until he slept.

So I am the wrong person to try to trick when it comes to illness. It does you no favours to borrow the thermometer and hold it under the cold tap and then come downstairs complaining of a temperature. As I said to him "You look remarkably well for a boy in the last stages of hypothermia ..."

This morning I am afraid that his refusal to go to school was greeted with less than usual humour from me. As his protestations went from light groaning to full scale "You are EVIL!!!!" I could take no more. I am a good mum. I am patient, understanding and prone to helping with homework, but today he was right ... I was evil.

I screamed at him. The dam of my emotions burst and I turned into a screaming, shrieking lunatic. I told him that if he hadn't left for school before I left for work I would phone the school and tell them he was refusing to go. I told him the x-box was gone until the end of February and as my heart beat in my chest like a battering hammer my final words before I swept from the room were "If I die of a heart attack right here on your carpet, it will be your fault!!!!!"

Oh, good grief ...

And this from a mother who had vowed never to tell her children even to "Shut up".

He dressed and left for school on time.

p.s. We have talked calmly since this. We have apologised to each other and I have enquired what problems he has at school - none. I have informed him that honesty is the best policy and we have both told each other we love each other. My throat is still sore .... I may have to have a couple of days off work ...

A special kind of lie?

2012-01-21T16:11:00.000Z

I have two sons. Ever since they were born I have tried to create a magical world for them when it comes to Christmas, wobbly teeth, Easter. I wanted them to feel the same way I did, when I was little, about Father Christmas, fairies ...

All went swimmingly for a long time. Each Christmas we would read stories by candlelight about The Polar Express, The Night Before Christmas, A Christmas Carol ... We would watch films about traditional Christmases and happy families touched by the warmth and magic of Santa, tooth fairies, Easter Bunnies ...

And then, one day, I went too far ... further than glitter sprinkled as fairy dust on my hearth, further than leaving teeth marks from Santa's reindeer on the carrots we left out ... One day I wrote a letter 'from Santa' to my son. I disguised my writing and wrote what I thought was a lovely heartfelt letter from a magical old man.

I reckoned without my son's razor sharp intelligence and powers of deduction.

He knew the letter was from me. He recognised my handwriting even though I had written with my left hand, in green ink, in curly wurly writing. He was not overjoyed to receive the letter, he was suspicious. That suspicion led to investigation and the investigation led to my house of magical cards crumbling before my very eyes.

In his eyes I had deceived him. All his life I had lied to him. About everything. Santa, The Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny ( although, in my defence I don't remember introducing the Easter Bunny - even for me that seemed a step too far towards the ridiculous!!)

In his words "My whole life has been a sham." ... Difficult to take from an 11 year old. And strangely over-dramatic, I am tempted to say ...

So. Would I do the same again? My youngest son continued to believe until this year and the reality of the whole Father Christmas situation seemed to dawn on him without too much trauma. It was more a "Well, it was good while it lasted, Mum and do I still get presents even if there isn't really an old bloke who climbs down the chimney?" kind of scenario.

So ... two boys, two very different reactions. I think I would do it all again.After all, I think its part of my job as a mum to create a world of imagination and wonder for my children. I remember how I felt at Christmas and I wanted my boys to feel that same joy and excitement. But is it right to lie? I spend my whole time putting emphasis on how absolutely essential it is to be honest. Lies will always catch you out. And yet I lied through my teeth to them for the first 11 years of their lives when it came to such things.

I suppose its one of those things you can only decide for yourself when the time arrives. As a parent you just try your best to do the right thing.

Hot flushes and night sweats ...

2012-01-17T22:44:00.000Z

Ok - I know that this isn't one of my most glamorous posts ... after all nobody wants to admit that they wake up in the middle of the night feeling like a pig in a sauna, but sometimes you just have to share ...

Not me!!!

It started about two years ago now. I would go a bit red for no reason at all. Then I started to go really hot. It would come from nowhere and sweep up my body as if I was being squeezed through a red hot mangle in a sweaty laundry somewhere! One minute I was normal, the next I would be plunged into a volcano of seething hormones ...

My colleagues would give a nudge, nudge, wink, wink ... "Oooops! Having a flush are we Sarah?!" they would smirk as I opened all the windows in mid February.

To be honest, it doesn't bother me. I have learned that nobody else can actually tell if I am having a hot flush, unless I start opening all the windows and huffing and puffing. If I just pretend its not happening it goes away eventually. I have a friend who is going through a similar thing and she is quite upset by it all ... I suppose its because it signals the end of our youth ...

If I am going to be graphic I could say that its the start of us shrivelling up and getting OLD!!! Now, you're either devastated by that thought or you just get on with it. After all there's absolutely nothing we can do is there? Personally I think its quite funny that one minute I was in my twenties - slim, young and carefree - and the next minute here I am careering towards 50 with two teenage sons, an allotment and a penchant for Johnny Depp!

I suppose it could be worse ... waking up in the middle of the night feeling hotter than a nylon shirt in a tumble dryer certainly saves on heating bills ...

I'm not sure how other people cope with ... duh, duh, duuuuhhhh "the change", but I am fine about it. I have had my children, certainly don't want any more and apart from the temporary inconvenience of being a bit hot and clammy there don't seem to be any other problems. I think my friend finds the emotional side upsetting. The whole "end of an era " thing. But to me you just have to get on with life. If this is the worst condition I have to cope with then lucky old me!

I don't feel old - age has always been just a number to me - and I don't plan on letting this whole "change" doo dah effect me. If anything I find it really interesting, watching my body ~~decay~~ transform before my very eyes. And it is pretty amazing what a good foundation, some powder and an industrial strength deodorant can do for a girl ...

Book Review of The Silk Box by Shirley Mihoko Hairston

2012-01-14T21:49:00.000Z

There are times when you just get afeeling about a book when you read the bumph on the back cover. When I read theblurb about Shirley Mihoko Hairston’s novel TheSilk Box I knew that I had to read it and I hoped that it would live up tomy expectations. I am extremely happy to be able to say that it did.

It is the true story of the writer’sparents – Mi-Chan, her mother, was a survivor of the Hiroshima atomic bomb andSonny, her father, a young black American stationed in Japan during the KoreanWar. Both have to cope with the prejudices of their society and yet, when theymeet, the two societies fade away in the strength of their love – love at firstsight.

The story of their lives unfolds likethe petals of a flower, beautifully drawn by Shirley Mihoko Hairston. Most ofthe novel follows Mi-Chan and Sonny separately, showing the reader their livesand struggles, through flash backs, and by the end I was praying for them to beable to get together. Both face their trials and tribulations with integrityand honour. The thread of their story is intertwined with many other lives,occasionally touching each other’s lives and bound with the absolute certaintyin both their hearts that they were meant to be together.

This is the story of their journey tobe with each other.

The vivid images of Japan, America,the suffering of so many people and the joy earned through experience and lovewill remain with me for a very long time. Hairston writes like an artist,splashing gorgeous colours of emotion throughout The Silk Box, creating a story that flows effortlessly, a story Icould only put down when other duties or sleep called. Her love of her parentsand the incredible love they had for each other envelopes everything. To knowthat this is a true story is even more moving.

It is remarkable to read such anhonest and well written book. It is one thing to have such a story to tell,it’s yet another to be able to write it in a way that guides the readerinvisibly and enfolds them in the story you are writing. Shirley MihokoHairston does just this. As I reached the last pages of The Silk Box my heart ached. I just did not want it to end. Iwanted to know everything about Mi-Chan and Sonny’s lives after the book hadclosed and I hope that the author will write a follow up book so I can immersemyself again in the lives of two amazing people and their family.

I can honestly say that this is oneof the best books I have ever read. It both touched and inspired me and I wouldrecommend it to anyone.

Article first published as Book Review of The Silk Box by Shirley Mihoko Hairston on Blogcritics.

Life is rosy, but needs to be CLEANER!!!

2012-01-12T16:26:00.001Z

My house is currently filled with the soft scent of fresh paint. My decorator is an absolute star and I am so glad that I managed to persuade my husband to get someone in to decorate rather than do it himself. You will be relieved to know that since I last wrote life is looking much rosier!

My essay is done dusted and sent off!!
My holiday is nearly sorted in spite of a bumpy ride trying to organise it.
My decorator is brilliant.
My house is starting to look gorgeous.
My course is finished
I am back to work tomorrow & can't wait to see my colleagues.

All this painting and decorating has made me think though. I need to get my head round keeping this place clean and tidy. My decorator's wife, poor love, has OCD and cleans twice a day, every day. That, I think, is too much for anyone, but I have to be more organised so that it doesn't get into the mess it was in when we prepared for the painting.

But how to do this? I am NOT a great housewife. I have so many other things I would rather be doing, like reading, running, skiing, gardening, working, cooking, running a family, blogging, studying ... see what I mean??

So how can I go about it? Maybe a room a day? Maybe have my husband and two boys move out and wrap everything in cellophane?

I do not want to spend all my time cleaning, but its no good waiting for someone to visit before I spring clean frantically. Now ... don't get me wrong ... the house is not disgustingly dirty. Its dusty and untidy because there are 4 of us in a tiny house and we have gathered lots of clutter over the years. This decorating thing has forced us to consider and the plan is to get rid of LOTS of 'stuff '.

I think I may have to draw up a rota for myself so I can put it next to my running rota and be organised ... Perhaps I need to buy some essential cleaning tools... What are your essentials? Am I missing something vital?? I have vacuum cleaner, sprays, brooms ... is there something missing??

Oh Good Grief!! I can't believe I am actually writing a post about cleaning ... But its one of those things I was never really 'taught' and I think I am a combination of lazy/occupied in other things/ignorant of technique ... Is there a cleaning technique??

Help me!!! Maybe I should just hire a cleaner??? EUREKA!!!!

Positivity ... not.

2012-01-09T20:39:00.001Z

Right, now call me a hypocrite if you will and, to be honest, I probably am ... but having extolled the virtues of positivity like some sanctimonious ... well, positive person ... I now see that most of my 2012 posts have been moans. I plan to continue in this vein with the following post, so please accept my apologies.

Its like this ...

I've got the decorators coming in tomorrow and my house is a tip
I'm on a course until the end of the week so I have no time to do anything
I'm trying to organise a group skiing holiday which keeps going pear shaped
I have 1500 more words of a 2000 word essay to be done by Wednesday night
I have a thumping headache

Now obviously the first thing I would advise if I was reading this would be to ...

GET OFF THE BLOODY COMPUTER AND DO SOME WORK!!!!!

However, I have been working, non-stop, since 7am and I am due a break.

Its one of those times when I just feel snowed under and this blog is a good way of putting all my worries down on paper so I can sort them out and do something about them. I have always done this - its one of the reasons I started my blog. Unfortunately for you it means that my readers have to put up with a bit of a frenzied moan and groan. As I say ... my apologies.

I am telling myself that this time next week it will all be sorted. The house will be sparkly and freshly painted, I will have a holiday to look forward to, my essay will be done ( by hook or by crook) and this headache will be a distant memory.

Its weird isn't it how things can just pile up and drive you nuts? Each thing by itself is ok, but together they weigh me down. Its kind of pathetic really - after all I'm hardly facing a torrid time. In fact now that I've written my worries down I am wondering whether I should just delete them as I sound like a complete idiot.

Well, I'm not going to delete them. I am a normal mum/woman with normal worries. I am not the only one sitting at my laptop tonight feeling a bit stressed and, let's face it, its better to blog than to drown my sorrows with a bottle of Merlot. Well ... maybe I might do a mini drown with a glass of the stuff rather than a bottle, but hey. Life sends you worries and part of life is getting through them in the best way you can.

If you have made it through to the end of my moan, well done and thank you!

Argentine Tango by Vincent and Flavia at Strictly Come Dancing 2009

2012-01-08T16:29:00.000Z

Oh my goodness, but I love this!! I hope you do too ...

Stupid Jobsworth Rudeness ...

2012-01-06T16:19:00.000Z

I am attending a course at the moment and am off work for a little while so that I can go to said course. Yesterday I, and the other people on this course, were sent home because of various problems, but we were told to phone back later to check an answer machine message which would tell us whether or not to come in today.

Well ... the answer machine wasn't working so being the good girl I am I went in anyway today only to be told the course was not on again and I should phone back later for more information. This I did ... not to the answer machine number, but to the office. The woman I spoke to there was soooooo rude. I can't even call her a lady. She spoke to me as though I was an idiot.

Now, its not my fault that the place she works is a shambles. Its not my fault that I phoned her for information. I drove 26 miles and paid a full day's parking for nothing this morning - all because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was told to phone her at a specific time and I did.

Its a good thing that I am a person who can bite my tongue and stop myself from being rude right back to her because if I wasn't I would have told her exactly what I thought of her, her stupid course and the chaotic system run by incompetent idiots.

There. Fortunately for her and probably me I simply thanked her for her time and promised to phone back later to the answer phone message. I shall be filling in the feedback sheet enthusiastically ...

Happy New Year 2012!!!

2012-01-02T19:41:00.000Z

Happy New Year to everyone out there in Blogging Land!! I hope that you all have a great 2012 filled with health and happiness. None of us knows what the future will bring - I just hope that most of it for the majority of us is happy.

Some of it, I suppose depends on our own view of life.I am pretty much a 'glass half full' kind of girl whereas I know quite a few people who are in the 'glass half empty' camp. When asked if I am ok I do tend to answer in the positive, unless things are reeeeeeally bad. The last thing anyone wants is some down in the mouth moaning minnie, sighing and groaning all over the place.

A good friend of mine never ceases to amaze me with their Eeyore style melancholy. Nothing ever goes well for them - life is always a trial. If I didn't love them so much for who they are in spite of this melancholy bent, I suspect I would have bruising from banging my head against their wall! I feel like grabbing them and saying "Come on!! Pull yourself together!! We only live once so enjoy life!!! Look for the beauty, look for the positive in all you have!!" But I think that if I did say that this person would probably head butt me ... No, not really, but I would be hurting them by drawing their attention to it ... so I don't.

There are other people I know whose lives are very difficult, both financially and emotionally, and yet they continue through their days with a smile on their face and a kind word for all those around them.They never paint their lives as difficult and I both admire their strength and enjoy their company.

So ... which of these will I be this year? Which will you be? I wonder what joys, what trials, what mysteries await us? All we can do is deal with each moment we live in the best way we can. No regrets, no opportunities missed, no words of love or encouragement left unsaid ...

Happy New Year!!

Made it through Christmas?

2011-12-26T14:16:00.001Z

I hope as you read this that you have had a good Christmas. Its a funny old time of year isn't it? So much preparation, so many different ways of celebrating, so many arguments, so many special moments. Its a time when everything is magnified in our lives and each little irritation seems greater, each moment of love and laughter more precious.

I have friends who are facing their first Christmas without loved ones - either because of bereavement or divorce. I have friends and family spending their first Christmas with new babies and the mixture of joy and exhaustion that brings!

The whirl of preparation focusses so much on the material - food to eat, drink to consume, presents to buy. Mothers around the land, around the world, sweat over stoves trying to produce the perfect meal, the perfect atmosphere. And its all over in a flash.

I wonder how many people actually have the Christmas of their dreams or of their imagination? Does Christmas really bring the happiness it promises?

My thought is that the simplest of days brings the most happiness. I saw a picture on Facebook which was of some presents made by a friend's child and I would imagine they meant more than things that cost a fortune. To be with the people you want to be with and whom you love at Christmas must make a happy day too.

Christmas means something different to everyone. To some it is a deeply meaningful religious time. For others its a time to relax, eat and be merry. I often think, as I gaze out across the darkness on Christmas Eve ( hoping desperately that my children will go to sleep at some stage before the morning ) of all the different people preparing for their own Christmas Days. I think of the children filled with excitement, of the people alone, of parents wrapping gifts deep into the night and of the millions of people around the world for whom Christmas means nothing at all!

I for one have begun to feel, as I haul myself into bed on Christmas night, well, thank God that's over for another year ... I wouldn't really be that bothered if I never had to celebrate another Christmas. I am not a believer so the whole thing is somewhat hypocritical on my part. I simply am following tradition as part of a Christian society.

I work hard to create the 'perfect' Christmas for my children and husband, but it means nothing to me. The magic has gone. I wonder how many others continue in this way? Not many admit to it do they? We are all supposed to fall into one of two camps - either the "I LOVE Christmas camp" or the "Humbug! I hate it! camp".

The only thing I wish for is that I could spend the day with the people I want to spend it with - not the people I feel obliged to be with. I would just like to be with my husband and my boys - nobody else. But it doesn't work like that does it? For me the magic of Christmas is the magic of every day - the magic of being with the man I love. He and my boys are what make my life special and the only reason I celebrate Christmas is to make them happy. I honestly think that if they were not with me I would not treat Christmas Day differently to any other day.

I hope I don't sound too humbuggy? I remember when Christmas was a very special time - when I believed not only in Father Christmas, but in the whole Christian story too. But time passes and things change. I count myself very lucky to have a lovely family to spend time with whether its Christmas or not.

I just hope that you have had a good Christmas - enjoyed it, survived it ... and that now you can face the coming horror that is ... NEW YEAR!!

Why didn't I help?

2011-12-20T20:40:00.001Z

I went Christmas shopping with my son yesterday & we stopped off for a bit of lunch at a fast food place. As we sat there together eating our food I noticed a man a couple of tables over.He was balding, with untidy grey hair and I noticed his hands were dirty. As I looked more closely ( trying not to be caught staring) I realised he must be a homeless man. He was nursing a coffee and had 3 bags stuffed with all sorts of things.

Now, yesterday it was freezing - literally freezing. As I sat there eating my fries and orange juice, my quarter pounder with cheese, I wanted to help him somehow. The only trouble was I didn't know how to help. I considered going over and asking him if he was hungry and if I could get him something to eat. I thought about asking one of the staff there if they knew him and if so was he homeless and what did he like to eat.

The thing is though, I was worried about offending him. What if he wasn't homeless and I went along assuming he was just because he had 3 bags and his hands were dirty? What if he was homeless, but a bit mad? What if he got angry?

While I was considering all these options he gathered his things together and stood up to leave the restaurant. Again I thought I could stop him as he passed me. But I didn't. I watched him through the glass as he donned his hat and gloves and set off into the cold.

I know he was homeless and I know he hadn't eaten. I could have bought him something hot to eat. I could have talked to him. But I didn't. I feel very disappointed in myself that I didn't have the guts to talk to him. As I sit here in my warm house, so blessed in every way, I know he is somewhere out in the cold night. I should have done something for him.

Let's all drink till we fall over ...

2011-12-19T18:51:00.000Z

I was listening to the radio yesterday and the presenter was discussing the perils of cheap booze - available at all supermarkets in the U.K for next to nothing. The argument went that the availability of cheap alcohol was dangerous to the health of the nation and that it should be made more expensive.

At no point did anyone involved in the discussion make the suggestion that maybe people should take responsibility for their own behaviour ...

Now, don't misunderstand me ... I am rather fond of the odd glass of Merlot m'self. I like a glass or two of wine. But that's it ... a glass or two. The big thing that struck me was that our culture seems to think its ok to go out, or stay in, and drink until you can drink no more. Drink until you fall over, slur your words, vomit all over the street and wake up the next morning feeling like death warmed up...

It seems to be more and more acceptable that people binge drink. They go out with the express purpose of drinking to excess. It is no longer the case for some people that they drink as an accompaniment to their evening. The drinking is the evening. The alcohol of choice is not a glass or two of wine or beer ... to go with a nice meal or to relax one for the evening. Its all about drinking as quickly as possible, as much as possible - downing shots in quick succession until the ultimate goal of unconsciousness is achieved.

Now I know that I may well be sounding like an old fuddy duddy here, but I can't stand watching people behave like this. It irritates me that some people are so irresponsible and, frankly, chavvy.

To pass responsibility onto the supermarkets or the state seems to me absurd. Just because something is cheap does that mean you have to binge on it?

I think it reveals a lot about a person's character. There are people who when confronted with a free bar will still choose to drink in moderation. There are others who take advantage and feel its the order of the day to take take take as much as they possibly can. Why?? I just don't understand why anyone would want to be so gross.

The thought of spending my weekends, or any other day of the week, focussed purely on how quickly I could reduce my body and mind to a stumbling, vomiting wreck is abhorrent to me. I may be in the minority here and I expect people will think I am a prude, but it just makes me feel cross to see people behave in this way.

Its not about supermarkets selling cheap booze, its about society's attitude to drinking, to alcohol and also about our sense of self respect. I know when I have had enough - about 2 glasses ( yes, I am a very cheap date!) and I stop. I don't like losing control. I have never been falling over drunk and I don't plan to be. Its a shame that so many people are not only so obsessed with the pursuit of oblivion, but also with blaming other people for that behaviour.

Sermon over!!

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas ...

2011-12-17T23:36:00.002Z

Not long now ... so I thought I'd post a photo ...

Tis the season to be jolly ...

2011-12-16T17:47:00.000Z

Earlier on today I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. Someone had made me feel so angry and generally fed up. But I looked around me and thought that really that person was only one person among so many in my life. The majority of people in my life are so gorgeous, so caring and wonderful. So I decided that rather than fill this blog post with my anger and bile I would fill it with the happiness those people give me.

I have friends at work who make me laugh every day - and in a good way, not just because they're weird!! Our work community is filled with people who work damned hard, but with a smile on their faces. The girls in the office are run off their feet, but always find time to help one. The corridors tend to ring with laughter rather than tears, but if you do have a down day people are quick to notice and ready with a hug or a cup of tea.

I looked at my pigeon hole today and found that not only mine but everyone elses had gift bags from our boss. How kind is that? We had a bring a dish lunch which was warm and fun and filled with Christmas spirit.

After lunch we had a final assembly and at the end our staff choir sang "Winter Wonderland". As we walked up to get onto the stage the children went wild!! It was like being on the X Factor!! As I looked down on those beaming faces I just counted my lucky stars that I work in such a great place. It is a real privilege to be a part of it.

Tonight I am out with my football chums. We are going for our Christmas Awards curry night and I can't wait. I work with most of the girls and you just couldn't meet a better bunch. They are down to earth, honest, kind and we have a real laugh together. I count myself so fortunate to have such very lovely people in my life and it makes me feel sorry for those people who spend their lives in negativity and glumness. I know we all have down times, but there are some people who never seem to have a glass half full - theirs is always half empty ...

Anyway - I hope you are not feeling too queasy with all this positivity and schmaltz, but I have had such a good day and I wanted to write about it. Some days you do have to take the bull by the horns and just refuse to be affected by misery. Today was one of those days and I really felt touched by joy.

Children's Literature ... essay number 2 - done!!

2011-12-13T18:19:00.001Z

I have been waiting for the results of my latest essay to come back. I am studying Children's Literature with the Open University and this is essay was about the models of boyhood in Little Women and Treasure Island. I hadn't thought my essay was particularly good as I found the subject matter a bit dull, although I felt I had done better with my referencing this time.

At my tutorial I was told that all was well, but I still didn't quite believe it, so you can imagine when I saw the email in my in box telling me I could collect my result, I was a bit nervous. There is nothing quite like the emotion of both sending off a piece of work to be marked and then collecting it and seeing one's score.

Each time my fingers hover over the send key I feel sick. Each time I click to collect I feel sicker!! Its an odd feeling, to have sweated over a piece of writing, reading and re-reading, trying to link ideas and incorporate supporting evidence, and then sending it off to be marked and judged. By the time I send it I can hardly see the wood for the trees and often have a distorted view of how good or bad it actually is...

My first essay came back with the best mark I've ever received. I have just picked up my second essay and received an even better mark. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am!!! This part of my degree course is to gain the Honours part of my degree and I have to say I am really enjoying it. There is no exam at the end, but a longer essay and the set books are marvellous.

I am learning so much and my tutor this year is fantastic - so helpful and understanding. Now that I have this essay back I feel I can fully concentrate on the next - motherhood as presented in Peter Pan and 2 poems of my choice. I am looking forward to getting my teeth into this one and feel quite excited that I am doing well this year.

For this evening though I am going to sit back on my laurels, open a bottle of wine and toast a successful result!! Who would have thought 3 years ago ... ??!

The loneliness of the long distance mother ... or pass the wine I've had enough!!

2011-12-06T17:31:00.001Z

Having done a full day's work and having been up since 6.30 am I walk into my house to discover my boys have dumped all their belongings in the hallway and melted onto the sofas each with a laptop open and glowing.

I now begin my second job of housekeeper/cook/psychologist/nanny - and I'm not even paid for this one. As I start to clear the kitchen of the debris left from breakfast, sort out the laundry and think about cooking dinner number 2 son calls me to help with his homework...

I wouldn't mind helping with homework if I wasn't met with constant grumpiness and rudeness and I'm afraid after a long day at work I do not have a lot of patience with bad tempered 12 year olds. I calmly direct him in the ways of research and revision and then suggest trumpet practise.

This suggestion is met with what borders on derision and if it had taken place on board a boat would have given me grounds for having him keel hauled. You will, I hope, admire me for keeping my cool and walking away.

I often think its a fortunate thing that we humans, and especially mothers, do not have message screens on our foreheads because mine would be constantly streaming a mixture of profanities and plans of somehow escaping to anywhere but here. Being a mum, in my house, is not all sweetness and joy.

My reaction to a friends saccharine Facebook post that "The most precious jewels you will ever wear around your neck are the arms of your children..." was to fake vomit into my fake bucket. Is it just me or are children sometimes a bloody pain in the backside??

As I write this they are oblivious to the effect they have on me most days as I sail regally on helping with homework, cooking teas which they turn their noses up at and clearing up the endless trail of crap that they trail behind them like exhaust fumes on a winter's day.

Thank God for this blog where I can release my bile and avoid being removed to the nearest high security mental institution by men in white coats.

My strike day - what I did and what I think.

2011-12-02T20:38:00.001Z

On Wednesday I went on strike for the first time in my life. I work as a teaching assistant and I hope to train to be a teacher so the strike struck a chord with me for several reasons.

The government came to an agreement over teachers' pensions some time ago, but now they are trying to increase the amount public sector workers, including teachers, pay into their pensions. They also want us to work until we are 68 and when we do retire we will have less money annually from those pensions.

Well, it seems to me that that is wrong. Its wrong for several reasons:

what makes the government think they can forcibly change an agreed contract?
Why increase payments when the pension fund is healthy & self-funding?
do we really want teachers and other public sector workers working until they are 68 in very physically and mentally exhausting jobs?
do we want our children/grandchildren taught by burnt out old wrecks?

Someone close to me said recently that the public sector should not strike because the private sector were suffering more than them and they were unable to strike ...

My answer was that we all should have the right to join a union and demand decent working conditions. The fact that private sector employees are often badly treated should not make us want to back down and lower the common denominator.

Someone else commented that the day's strike would adversely affect the children involved. Well ... they didn't say that about the Royal Wedding did they?

I have colleagues who did not strike and I absolutely support their right to that decision. I, in turn, would not work to rule. Whilst I think that a one day strike might have an impact I am not prepared to work to rule because I think that would actually hurt the children with whom I work. I usually work about 4 hours a week overtime which is unpaid. Without that time a lot of my duties just would not be done.

I appreciate that the strike made life difficult for some parents who had to take time off to care for their children. I am sorry about that.

I appreciate that the strike may have made no difference to the cause. But if you do nothing they will walk all over you. In my view you have to try. There has to be a line drawn in the sand.

I see people in the public sector who, for the most part, do difficult jobs, dirty jobs, jobs that are poorly paid. One of the reasons for ever doing one of these jobs, other than having a vocation, is the pension and if that is taken away ... well, what is the incentive for doing it?

By making these (in my view) unnecessary changes the government is picking on some of the most poorly paid workers in the country. In my county they have already cut teaching assistants' wages by around 3%. And now they want us to pay more into our pensions, work longer and yet take out less in the end.

Is that right? And is it right that we sit back and say"O.k - go ahead old chap! We're all in this together!" Because we are not all in this together. Can you imagine the bankers who caused this mess agreeing to something like that? I don't think so.

We are not stupid enough to believe that the government will roll over and agree to what we want, but we are not going to go down without a fight. If the strike affected you in a bad way - I am sorry. But it was one day. I chose to go without pay even though I didn't have to. I could have gone into work or rearranged my hours and had a day off and been paid, but I didn't. I chose to strike and lose a day's pay to make a point and to support my colleagues.

At least I had a choice. I am fortunate to be able to choose and I appreciate that some of you had no choice because of the strike. I just think that there are times in life when you need to stand up and be counted and Wednesday was one of those times.

Lake District Family Get Together.

2011-11-29T18:36:00.001Z

Every year my cousin holds a bonfire party. She invites lots of my cousins and their children up to her house in the Lake District which is just beautiful and big enough to accommodate all of us. The week before last we all went up there - cousins, children, brothers, sisters - and yet again we had a lovely time.

The weekend is spent between eating and drinking well, chatting around the kitchen table or on comfy sofas, and walking in the gorgeous Cumbrian countryside. Last year we walked up to one of the lakes that lies in farm land near her house ...

This year we went to the coast, an estuary just below Morecambe Bay. The light was eerily beautiful and I took these photos ...

Our weekends up in the Lake District remind me of my childhood and I know that they store up good memories for all our children. They have space to play and run, they collect eggs from the chickens and walk the dog.

In the evenings we gather together after dinner and play games and the house rings with laughter. I am so grateful that as a family we are so close and have the opportunity to get together like this still.

Thank you lovely cousin. x

If I could have a wish ...

2011-11-26T18:45:00.001Z

If I could have a wish ... I'm afraid I wouldn't wish for world peace or an end to poverty. As I have said many times in this little blog of mine, I am really rather shallow, and I feel its only right to continue this theme. If I could have one wish granted I wish ... I wish I could sing.

Don't get me wrong, I can sing, in an ordinary mumsy kind of a way, but its nothing special. I sang in my staff choir this afternoon and had a moment of cowardice which I regret, but it comes of a lack of confidence ( completely justified lack of confidence ) in my ability.

Our choirmaster asked if I would step in and fill the gap when one of a duet had to drop out because her voice was croaky. I'm afraid I said no and suggested my friend instead.

How wonderful would it be to actually have a voice that would soar, a voice that I could be confident of, a voice that would make me confident to step forward and sing my heart out.

To hell with world peace. I want to be able to sing. I want to open my mouth and have the voice of Adele or Aretha Franklyn or Etta James ...

My husband has sung in a band recently and I have been so proud of him. When I told him and the other band members that I would love to sing they offered me the chance to try out. I turned chicken immediately! This is not through some sort of false modesty. I really don't have a strong enough voice to stand up and sing. In my dreams I do, in the car by myself I do, but other than being part of a choir ... I don't.

So ... if there are any genies out there ... any fairy godmothers ... please can I have a wish? Please can I sing with a voice that soars to the rafters, a voice that is rich with soul and strength ... ?

No?? Doh.

Is honesty always the best policy?

2011-11-23T16:52:00.001Z

One of my major good points and, I am beginning to realise, one of my failings, is honesty. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and although this may be endearing at times ... well maybe not. I am beginning to realise that honesty is not always a virtue.

I am not one of those people who gives you their full medical history when asked "How are you?" after all, even I realise that nobody is interested in the cold I've had for a week or the fact that I am starting to have hot flushes - but when asked "What's up? You don't look happy..." I am apt to give you the complete low down on exactly why I am pissed off and by whom.

Well, that's no good is it? I am learning more and more that it is better to keep your mouth shut about such 'stuff'. Just because one feels strongly about something or someone, does not give one the right to mouth off to all and sundry about that emotion.

Unfortunately, as much as I tell myself to keep my mouth shut ... I can't. The truth will out.

I think it stems from when I was a teenager and, desperate to fit in with the 'cool' set I once agreed that a certain band's album was amazing. Of course there was no such album and actually no such band. I was discovered and humiliated. I vowed then never to lie again. If I don't know something I admit it. If I feel a certain way about something I let people know.

To a certain extent such behaviour is pretty commendable, even though I do say so myself ... but all the time? I am proud to stand up for what I believe is right, but do I need to reveal to all and sundry that I can't stand somebody? Probably not. There are times when you need to choose your battles and by fighting every battle that comes along, by decrying every injustice, every incompetence - doesn't that weaken one's sense of integrity?

I don't want to be seen as a moaner. I don't join in if people are bad mouthing someone else. I would rather stick up for them if I think they are being maligned. But there are times when one is faced with behaviour that really grates, a situation that riles and there is not much one can do to make it better. So when asked " Are you ok? You look a bit down..." its easy to just vent. No matter how honest one is being, surely that's wrong?

I am trying so hard at the moment to just choose my battles, learn to keep schtum unless I really have a need to open up. There is honesty and honesty. Sometimes tact and diplomacy are greater qualities. Or perhaps I should just be honest? When does honesty become rudeness? After all, my honest opinion is only that - an opinion. What if I am wrong? Perhaps when it comes to people I should stay quiet? I don't know ...

I would love to know what you think ...

Facebook - another layer of friendship.

2011-11-21T16:57:00.001Z

I am lying on my bed taking a break from my latest essay. Its about the competing models of boyhood in Little Women and Treasure Island ... yes ... I know ... that's why I'm taking a break ...

And I got to thinking ...

About Facebook really ... I have friends on Facebook who would not be my friends if Facebook did not exist. By that I mean that we would have, did, drift apart, but Facebook brought us back together. I don't mean that we are back together in a deep and meaningful friendship where we spend weekends strolling on beaches or evenings playing chess and talking about world politics - I mean that we ... well we kind of stalk each other.

God that sounds terrible. When I say say stalk I mean that its like we are on a night bus, on the way home and we have the chance to glimpse inside the lighted windows of the houses we pass. We can see the people sitting down to dinner, or taking photos or having BBQs. Maybe its less like stalking and more like supporting from a distance or like taking an interest without intruding too much.

Facebook has created a new layer of friendship that just wasn't there before. There are people that you like, people you worked with or went to school with, but you were never going to be that close to. They might have moved away, gone abroad. They might be people who you really like, but probably spending an evening down the pub with them just wouldn't quite work ...

So Facebook is perfect for dipping. Of course there are still the real friendships which can co-exist alongside the dippers. I have real life day to day friends who are also my Facebook friends. And I certainly don't have anyone as a friend who I don't actually know in the flesh, so to speak.

I just love being able to see holiday snaps straight away, nights out ... In many ways I can be a better friend because I can see when something has happened in someone's life instantly. They don't have to phone hundreds of people - just post an announcement and the world of friends are there in an instant to help.

The concept of social networking does not diminish the idea of friendship, it deepens it, adds another layer. There are people who have become far closer friends of mine because of our use of Facebook than they would have been if we only saw each other on high days and holidays. I can pick up if someone is feeling down and send my love and they can do the same to me.

My Facebook is not the cyber bullying place of teen angst and keeping up with the Joneses. It is more a comfortable middle aged place where the people watch out for one another. Is that a naive view? Maybe ... but I don't think so. These things are what we make them. The users create the atmosphere and the rules. Like attracts like. For me Facebook is a place to publicise charitable events, a place to chat, a place to laugh. Yes I know - I am sounding very middle aged and this is probably the death knell for Facebook as I type.

How strange to think that the dream of a young American student has spread to leafy English suburbia and has become a phenomenon in terms of friendship that was non-existent only 7 years ago. As I say - its not a replacement for friendships, its another layer, a way of keeping in touch, of sharing and supporting. And surely that can't be bad?

There's a Mermaid in my book bag ...

2011-11-14T15:59:00.001Z

A little while ago I wrote a review on a book that talked about living in the "Now". I try to live each moment in the "now" - giving my time and attention to those around me. It certainly gives me moments of absolute joy.

The other day I took a small group of children to do some special work and one of the little boys asked if he could tell me a story before we started. Of course it might have been tempting to put him off, get on with the work, but I didn't - I listened.

And listening was sooooooo worth it! He told me how, on the way to school, he had rescued a mermaid ... She had been run over by a car and he had seen her and rescued her. He told the other children and me not to worry .... she was ok. He had put her in his book bag and she was warm and safe, recovering from her ordeal. He reassured us that he had given her some water and some of my favourite food.

The other children sat with baited breath as he described her in intricate detail, aware that he had our attention.

It was one of those moments that money just can't buy. Those children, him, me, in that little room, experiencing a moment of magic, a moment of pure imagination. For a little while there really was a mermaid in his book bag...

The fact that I had taken the time to listen made the moment possible and I wondered afterwards how many moments like that are missed in our busy lives. We all shared something special that morning and I will certainly remember it always.

Beethoven through my mum's eyes.

2011-11-09T16:10:00.002Z

Isn't it strange how different people can look at the same event with such different eyes? I was at my mum's house the other day and we were chatting comfortably over a cup of coffee. Amongst other things she dropped into the conversation the fact that she loved listening to Beethoven. She mused that these days she didn't really listen to music any more ...

My brother and I looked at each other. I couldn't believe that our mother's memories of Beethoven were so positive. As a child some of my worst memories were of Beethoven blasting through the house at full volume. I remember my brother and I sitting on the stairs in the dark, huddled together silently as my mum played her music in the lounge with the door tight shut. It was always when she and my dad had had a row and he had stormed out.

Now please, don't get me wrong, I hardly had a ghastly childhood. We were happy, but there was stuff going on behind the scenes that I only learned about when I reached adulthood. It does show you though how people's perspective of events can be so different. She obviously had no idea that her children were totally aware of the rows and had been sitting on the stairs ...

To her, Beethoven was comforting. To my brother and I Beethoven ... well, its certainly not a comfort! It's strange to think that the same piece of music can stir such different emotions in people who were listening at the same time.

The Liebster Award - I won something!!

2011-11-06T16:36:00.000Z

I am dead chuffed today to let you know that I have been given Liebster Award by the lovely Tiddler on the Loose blog. This award is given to blogs with fewer than 200 followers, with "good content" that warrant more support. I am so touched as I have recently discovered this blog and have also been following her @pootlehat on Twitter.

Liebster Award Rules

1. Show your thanks to those who gave you the award by linking back to them

Thank You Tiddler on the Loose!!

2. Reveal 5 of your top picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

Keep reading ...

3. Post the award on your blog. Yup.

4. Enjoy the love and support of some wonderful people on the www!!! Keep posting, keep commenting and keep being positive.

So ... here are my nominations for the Liebster Award ... dadaaaaah ...

1. Memoirs of a Farm Wife The daily diary of a mum and farmer's wife in Illinois who I have followed for a long time. She is honest, kind and down to earth and shows a little slice of life over the pond that I love.

2. The Paddock Pauline writes about her family in New Zealand - her children and grandchildren - and she posts photos of where she lives - one of the most beautiful places in the world. Well worth a visit through the ether.

3. Urban Cynic One of my favourite bloggers who I have 'known' for years now. She is honest, opinionated and supportive - writing about her life in Brighton, films and events in the news. I think she's brilliant!

4. Beautful or practical Louba's blog is written about her life and is such a lovely positive and caring outlook on life that I love to visit - hope you do too. Oh ... and she sometimes finds some gorgeous shoes!!

5. My Life as a Mature Age Student Caz writes her blog whilst also studying and raising a family. She reminds me of myself in a lot of ways - but she has 2 teenage girls - not sure I could cope!! Anyway, she's in Australia and she's great!

There are other people I would have liked to add to my list, but some of you have more than 200 followers so you don't qualify! You are far too popular already!!!

I hope you can find time to visit these blogs. I enjoy them and I hope you do too. xx

Today you made me happy.

2011-11-04T22:23:00.002Z

I stumbled across a page from Louba's blog yesterday that she wrote last year. What I love about her post was the joy found in the little things in life. It made me think.

The smallest things, the tiniest actions can change the direction of someone's day. She talks about her colleague bringing coffee like magic to her desk and I thought about what I could do to bring magic to someone else's day.

Its not really what you do that matters ... its the desire to do it and the fact that you took time to do something ... something thoughtful, something kind.

I have come to realise more and more recently how important it is to give people time - to look them in the eye when they speak, to listen, to smile, to let them know they are valued. If part of that means making a cup of tea or picking a flower from your garden - maybe giving someone a hug or noticing that they look tired today - well ... do it.

Being kind costs nothing. In our world of tension, stress, material desires ... often what makes your day is not the big things, but the little ones that come from the heart rather than the wallet.

Knowing that my afternoon might be hard my colleague left me a chocolate on her desk with a note wishing me luck & leaving me a kiss. How nice was that? It made my afternoon! When I got home from a difficult day my son greeted me at the door with a mug of tea. A stranger tweeted a kind word in reply to my secret worry.

I might sound a bit sanctimonious here. I don't mean to be. I just think that kindness, the consideration of other people is so important. I am going to try and do something for someone else each day. Maybe something little, but I hope I can make a difference.

Can you make money from blogging?

2011-11-02T17:00:00.000Z

I was chatting to my brother the other day and telling him that I would love to make money from my blog. I would love to just be able to run my blog and earn enough to keep me going. As we were talking my son asked why I didn't put adverts on the pages and I said that really there was no point as I didn't get millions of visitors and, to be honest, I think they look horrid.

I do realise that earning money from my blog is just a pipe dream. And to be honest its not the reason I write. I am sure there must be people who do earn money from blogging - maybe from sponsored posts, reviews and so on, but for me that's just not the direction in which I want to go. Don't get me wrong - each to their own and there are blogs with ads that I like, but on the whole I don't.

I am quite happy pootling along with my thoughts and dreams, my worries and frustrations, intermingled with the odd tip on how to do something.Blogging is a kind of therapy for me! I have nothing to sell - just the hope people like reading my posts or looking at my photos. The blogs I enjoy visiting the most are the ones that are quite like mine. Nothing puts me off more than a blog with ads and sponsored bits and bobs. Sometimes its a challenge to find what the person is actually writing about.

So ... is it possible to make lots of money from blogging? I would say probably not and certainly not without sacrificing the things that I actually love about blogging. I have had a few offers from companies offering me money for writing reviews or for having links to their sites ... but, call me old fashioned ... that's just not me. If you have come here in the hope of finding out how to make bundles ... well, I apologise for not giving you the answer you wanted.

Obviously, having said all this, if some big wig came along and offered me thousands of pounds I reckon my morals would fall at the first fence and I would run all the way to the bank! But that's not going to happen is it? At the end of the day, as the footballer said, the only reason I started writing was for my own selfish reasons and the reason I continue remains the same. I love writing, I love my visitors and I like doing it my way.

Halloween with a Giant Pumpkin & Face Paint.

2011-11-01T16:34:00.000Z

Last night we indulged in Halloween with friends and family. The boys and our neighbours made their own costumes from clothes we had around the place and I got out my face paints. We also carved the giant pumpkin we grew on our allotment!

I had forgotten just how much I love face painting! I used to do it a lot when the boys were little.

The boys decorated the front of the house and they went trick or treating with their 2 little cousins. I stayed in to open the door to other trick or treaters. I was amazed at how many people wanted their photo taken with our pumpkin!

The whole Halloween thing is lovely round here - very community based with lots of young children coming round. I was impressed with all the pleases and thank you's. Luckily we don't get any horrible behaviour - its all friendly and polite. All good.

Oh ... and I made my Lychee Eyeballs!!

Post Natal Depression - I was there.

2011-10-30T16:04:00.000Z

It seems like a dream to me now ... a nightmare time muffled in darkness and despair. It should have been a time of joy and light and love, but it wasn't and I was ashamed.

Update: I am really sorry, but I have deleted the rest of this post. I have never done this before, but I just don't feel I can have my words on a page that my children might stumble across. I am not ashamed of having gone through PND - it was a dark part of my life that I got through with the help of my family, my friends, my doctor.

My greatest fear through all the misery was that I would damage my boys with my anger and sorrow. The thought that I might hurt them now, by writing about feelings that engulfed me so long ago, is too much of a risk.

I have my original post, but I am not going to keep it on here. I hope that you can understand.

Older Children & getting your life back.

2011-10-29T13:26:00.002+01:00

I have just got home from a morning's campaigning at a local shopping parade. Part of having older children now means that I have got my life back. I don't mean that in a horrible way, but really ... how lovely is it to be able to say "I'm just off up to the allotment for an hour" or "I'm going out to get people to sign the petition" - and be able to pop out leaving the 2 boys happily in the house by themselves?

I remember when I couldn't leave the house without a small trailer attached to my back pack carrying nappies, spare clothes, food, drink, wet wipes ... My life revolved around their meal times and bed times. Now I am free again to indulge in life as I used to know it.

This morning I was part of a team campaigning against a massive new development by a major supermarket chain who I refuse to even name on here. We set up our stall outside a local shopping parade and asked people to sign our petition. I absolutely love doing it. I enjoy meeting new people and, strangely, saying "Good Morning!" to a complete stranger and then getting them to join the campaign is a real pleasure.

I would never have thought a few years ago that I would have the nerve to do that, but now I do. Obviously not everybody says yes to us, but that's fine isn't it? Each to their own. I do find though that when people are given the facts of the matter they tend to be a) shocked and b) willing to fight.

I feel so fortunate to be in this situation now. Not only do I have 2 lovely boys with whom I love spending time, but I also have the chance to do my own thing. When I was struggling in the dark days of PND I never thought that I would get out the other side and bathe in the light of this sort of happiness again. It just shows you that there is life after such things.

Right now my life is so full of 'stuff' ... be it the allotment, study, work, campaigning, family life ... Yes, there are days when I wonder quite why I do so much, but most of the time I count myself so very lucky to have the chance to do it.

BritMums Blogger of the Week - how very marvellous!!

2011-10-28T14:08:00.000+01:00

About 18 months ago I joined BritMums - a parenting website and forum - and I have dipped in and out since then. This week, however, I had time to have a really good delve into their revamped site and I was not disappointed! Following a veritable of flurry of activity on my behalf, including my first attempts at Vlogging or video blogging, they have very kindly named me ... da da daaaaaahh ...Blogger of the Week!!

How thrilled am I? Well, I can genuinely say 'very thrilled'. And what have I done to deserve this award? Well, I think mostly I have blogged, vlogged and generally become really active. I have found some very interesting blogs on the site which cover everything from How to make a vlog to Coping with depression as a parent. The whole vibe is one of friendship and support, which is rather marvellous.

This half term week has given me the time to get involved and has also made me realise just how much I love blogging. Trying to explain to my bemused mum just why I revealed parts of my life to others was interesting!! I can't explain why I love it so much, but I do.

I love the interaction with other people. I love putting my posts on Twitter and Facebook and increasing the circle of people who visit my pages. I love seeing the comments that people post, most of which are incredibly supportive and friendly. And I love being a part of other people's lives - people all over the world. I love the excitement of finding a jewel of a site, maybe someone who has just started blogging and has no idea how interesting they are!!

If I could make a living out of doing this I would love to ... but to be honest that's not why I blog. I blog for me, for the satisfaction, for the friendship, because through blogging I learn, I laugh and I cry. And occasionally, like today I get given an award!

Hurrah!!!!!

Adele - Lovesong (Album Version)

2011-10-27T16:30:00.000+01:00

For my gorgeous husband - because this sums up how I feel about you. Sarah x

Life with teenagers - at least they know how to make a cup of tea ...

2011-10-25T11:48:00.000+01:00

As I sat in my kitchen attempting to write an essay on Children's Literature this morning I was interrupted regularly by the rumbumptious banging of my two sons playing the x box in the next room. That may not be a real word but it describes their behaviour well. Now at the ages of 12 and 13 they are tall, muscular and scarily strong. They also have developed an aversion to the shower ...

How did all this happen? It doesn't seem 5 minutes ago that I was writing my first blog post and they were two darling boys - all golden and soft with early bedtimes and a penchant Noddy. People told me to make the most of the time when they were young, but, to be honest, I dismissed this advice as the first signs of senility.

Perhaps its because I was still in the cold grips of Post Natal Depression that I wanted their childhood to be over quickly? I was frustrated by them and their needs. I felt alone and inadequate. But now, with hindsight, I look back at those days with a fond nostalgia! Not that I'd want them back ... I am quite happy that my boys are capable of making me a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich. In my eyes I have achieved Nirvana in the parenting stakes!

But still ... it does amaze me to think that I actually gave birth to these two hulking 'near-adults'. Their hormones are buzzing and when they do actually venture into the bathroom, after lots of screaming and gesticulating from me, the place ends up smelling like a tarts boudoir. Less talcum powder and bubble bath - more Lynx body spray and hair gel.

So far, despite the fact that they tower over me, I am still in control. Well... when I say control I mean actually that we work well together. They know what side their bread is buttered on and they know the rules of the house. Al though they might attempt a minor rebellion sometimes, at the moment they are good boys, intelligent boys and boys of whom I am immensely proud.

Neither of them are making bad choices right now, although it scares me to write those smug words, after all its early days and they are still quite young. But I know that they have made choices of which I approve. The eldest, when faced with an invitation to go to the park after school and drink cider (OH MY GOD) said no and told me about it. He considered such behaviour stupid and chavvy. I can't tell you how relieved I was that he thought that way and wasn't swayed by peer pressure.

All you can do as a parent is try to equip your children with the tools to cope with the life they face. Of course they will face invitations to drink, possibly to try drugs, but I hope they will come through all that. Right now, when I think of what they could be doing I am soooooooo happy they are being rumbumptious on the x box in my lounge ...

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Jaw clamped, shoulders tense ... prepare for a little bit of a rant.

2011-10-22T16:33:00.000+01:00

At this very moment my jaw and teeth are aching. The reason for this is because I am so tense that my jaw is permanently clamped shut unless I make a conscious effort to stop it. I keep getting headaches because of both my jaw and my shoulders which are tight and nestled up around my ears most of the time.

And why do I feel this way? Well, I can't go into huge detail on here, but there is a person on the outskirts of my life right now who is making me feel totally stressed out. I am trying very hard to just not care. I am trying very hard not to moan at anyone and to make light of the situation if anyone asks me, but I think that the fact I am doing this is contributing to my tension.

I am a really friendly, chatty person and its like someone... well, this person, has dumped concrete over me. Unless I speak to them they make no attempt to speak to me. I offer to to help with things, they refuse my help. I am kept at arms length at all times and let me tell you - this person's arms are about a mile long.

At first I was upset at being ostracised. Now I am just angry. There is no escape right now. We have to be involved in each others lives for a while because that's the way life goes, but its hard to be treated this way. I have talked to this person in an attempt to improve life in a practical way, but when it comes down to personality clashes - what can you do?

I would imagine that I am not the only one to be affected by this person in this way and I know for a fact that a person I know very well was totally miserable because of the same person.

I know that you may advise me to walk away, have it out with them ... but those options are not possible. I know I am being cryptic here, but take it from me. The options above would just make my life worse right now. I am doing my best to spend as little time as possible with this person and to try to be calm and unaffected. It would appear, however, that my attempts are failing. The best way to describe being in this person's presence is to compare them with a dementor - sucking my joy from my soul ...

Dramatic, I know. In the great scheme of things this problem is not that important. My life away from the dementor is good, happy, wonderful. I just have to get on with it and leave my complaining to the ether of my blog. What a wonderful thing blogs are for venting our pent up and unsayable feelings!! So I shall continue to try and unclamp my jaw, try to relax my shoulders, try to keep my tongue still and not tell this person exactly what I think of them. Bullies come in all shapes and forms and some are perhaps so miserable themselves that they don't realise the affect they are having on others. I will not be beaten and I will not stop being a caring, happy person. So there.

Brit Mums Live - oh good grief - I'm going!!!

2011-10-21T14:34:00.001+01:00

I have just arrived home after the first half term of the year and I am ready for some rest and relaxation. It is what it is, but this year does not look like its going to be an easy one full of joy and laughter at work! Still - I'm in a job and there is always the hope that the Euro Millions will come in for me!!

Anyway - I sat down with my well deserved cup of tea and toast with hummus to have a tiny trawl round my favourite sites. My latest squeeze is the Brit Mums site which I joined ages ago, but which has recently undergone a bit of a cosmetic booster session. On there they have all sorts of discussions about life and the universe, but I suppose a lot of it is around family life.

Yesterday I noticed that they were running a Blogger's Conference in London next summer and, loving all things bloggy, I was tempted to go along. The only thing was ... was that sort of thing for little old me? Would it be full of high powered corporate types in high heels and shoulder pads?

I decided to post a vlog or video post. It was a spur of the moment thing, done in my kitchen as I was cooking tea. I have had quite a few comments on it and all of them have been really positive and friendly. So, as I sat munching on my lunch I decided to take the plunge.

I don't have any friends around where I live who blog and the thought of chatting to other (mostly women ) who do sounds like fun. Eating cake and drinking coffee whilst doing all that makes it sound even better! So I have signed up, paid my money and posted another video to say "Hello!!! I'm coming!!!"

I am always keen to try new things and this sounds like fun. Sometimes you just have to be brave, don't you? If I get there and they are all a bit intimidating then I can walk away and go shopping. But it might just turn out to be a blast and I could spend 2 days learning loads, meeting great people and eating shed loads of cake ... I'll let you know!!!

How sitting in a chair properly can help your school work.

2011-10-20T20:58:00.002+01:00

I have noticed more and more over the last few years that the children I work with are often incapable of sitting in a chair properly. I know ... my life could be considered a little sad. But I think I have stumbled upon a link. Hear me out...

The thing is ... fewer and fewer families sit down to eat around a table. People often take their plates and slouch on their sofa eating on a tray or balancing their plate on their knees. They don't sit on dining chairs. Therefore children don't learn to sit on proper chairs.

Their sitting world consists of sofas, bean bags and the floor. So ... and here's my theory ... when they come to school and are faced with a proper chair they are non-plussed. I see so many of them crouching on their chairs, feet on the seat - or sitting miles from the table, swinging back on their chairs.They find it impossible to get comfortable.

I noticed that children were finding it sooooo hard to concentrate because they were occupied with rocking, squirming and climbing all over the blinking chairs.

And do you know what I have done about it? When they come in I am getting them in the habit of 'tucking themselves in'. They are learning to sit on their chairs properly - backs and bottoms against the back of the chair, chair tucked into the table. I am amazed at the difference. All of a sudden they are like babies who have been swaddled. I think they feel safe and secure and because of that and the fact they can't swing or rock they are concentrating more.

I might sound like a tyrant here, but I'm not. They know that when they come into me they sit down, tuck in and the fun starts...

I would be interested to know what you think, but its bizarre that a simple matter of sitting in a chair can have made such a difference.

A bench given with love.

2011-10-19T22:06:00.001+01:00

My house is at the bottom of a big hill.To go into the town you have to go up the hill. To walk into town is rather nice - through leafy tree lined ways - and it takes about 25 minutes, but that hill is a killer.

I noticed, not long ago, that a new bench had been placed at the top of the hill and on it a small brass plaque that made me smile. I discovered that my neighbours had bought the bench for their grandmother who regularly walks into the town up that hill. Do you know what it says on the bench?

" 16 minutes to town. 9 minutes to home."

I love that...

Another list. Another day procrastinating ...

2011-10-17T18:27:00.000+01:00

I have so much to do and so little desire to do it. I have made a list of things, big and small, that I really need to get done.

Plan lesson for Thursday
Write up feedback about RE course
Write 2000 word essay
Sort out flashcard list
Tidy allotment
Cut down runner beans
Plant garlic
Read more of course books

I have written the introduction to my essay, but I just don't have any enthusiasm to pull my finger out and get started. I feel so tired and getting out of bed in the morning is tricky, never mind cycling to work. When I am at work I am full of get up and go, but as soon as I get home I just plonk myself down and fiddle about.

I listen to the radio, go on my computer, watch tv ... all the things that I really should pull myself away from and forget about.

I probably just need an early night and a good talking to ( Urban Cynic, are you there??!) I know I will get it all done and every good girl deserves a rest sometimes, but my apathy is beginning to annoy me!!

I think I might write a list with something to do each day ... Oh I don't know. Someone give me a magic wand and a will of iron!!

Choosing the perfect pillow.

2011-10-14T08:00:00.003+01:00

My pillows are currently lying on my bed in a state of pathetic flatness. Their limp apathy is something that is beginning to offend me and I am plan to rectify the situation.

I have always been ... I am a little reluctant to admit this ... a tad on the tight side when it comes to spending money on such things as pillows. Cheap is good has always been my motto. However, the other day when I sauntered into the bedding department of John Lewis I entered a world of pillow luxury that I never knew existed.

For a woman who had always gone with the synthetic, bouncy and unfluffable cheapest, the John Lewis offerings were a revelation. Did you know that a person can buy pillows fashioned from Siberian goose down? Pillows of soft feather middles surrounded by the down of a million geese, enveloped in soft, cool, silky cotton?

Yes? No? Well I didn't ... It would seem that the sky is the limit when it comes to the world of luxury pillows. I have been reading reviews of people sleeping the sleep of the enchanted upon them and you know what? I want that fairy tale night of luxurious sleep. I want to feel the Siberian softness of snow goose caressing my head ...

My only hesitation is the price. Can I really think of parting with large chunks of my hard earned cash just for a pillow?? What do you think? They are from £30 upwards... each ... Can I justify them? Am I being sucked in by the evil of the consumer world? The well worn phrase of " I just want them" whirls around my head ...

I may just wander to John Lewis again today and stand by the pillow section ... stroking them ...

Update!!
Reader ... I could resist no longer ... I am now the happy owner of Siberian goose down pillows and can report that I slept the sleep of the pampered last night. With one night of decent pillow sleeping in my life I can definitely recommend it. x

Making a compost bin from pallets.

2011-10-05T17:08:00.002+01:00

Autumn is coming and I need to put the allotment to bed. Before I can do this though I need to have a compost bin for all my green stuff. I scrounged some pallets for free some time ago and this weekend I managed to get my husband ( long suffering as he is ) to help me make them. When I say 'help me' I actually mean 'do it all himself while I watch.'

Below are some photos of him working on it and then the end result. I need to line it with weed membrane possibly and get some wood to put on the front, also something to put over the top, like some old carpet, to keep the warmth in. But - nearly there, thanks to my wonderful man.

America's Next Top Model versus Scunthorpe Rovers.

2011-10-05T00:06:00.001+01:00

My family of 2 boys and a husband breathed a collective groan tonight as I insisted that the new series of America's Next Top Model be taped. Why they are groaning I really don't know - its not as though I make them watch my telly.

Right now I am enjoying the thrills of ANTM ( see above ), X Factor, Strictly, Downton Abbey, Country House Rescue and 71 Degrees North. Yes, I know. None of them are exactly intellectual fodder, but who cares?? I think I deserve a few hours of delicious escapism each week. Especially as I wait until I am alone to watch them - apart from X Factor which is weekend family viewing with a compulsory watching clause.

And, let's face it, in a family of the masculine orientation I am usually surrounded by nothing more stimulating than Match of the Day and Fifa 12 on the X Box. If they knew the boredom I had to cope with on a daily basis when nothing but football, football, football is on the telly ... well ...

I reckon I am a pretty tolerant girl and I enjoy sport on the telly, but given the choice between some sweaty team from Outer Mongolia playing Scunthorpe Rovers and the dulcet tones of Tyra Banks discussing bone structure and the relative merits of the Smeyes ( if you watch ANTP you'll understand ) then for me its Tyra every time.

EA300 - Children's Literature - first tutorial on Saturday.

2011-10-03T23:06:00.002+01:00

This Saturday I will be attending the first tutorial of my new course. I am studying EA300 with the Open University and this course will be my final one before I can finally pick up my degree. EA300 is the study of Children's Literature.

As is usual with these things I am filled with a mixture of excitement and nerves. Will the course be interesting? Will my tutor be helpful? Will I cope with the essays?

I think, having braved the horrors of AA316 which was the study of Nineteenth Century literature, that I can cope with anything!! So far the reading seems pretty reasonable and nowhere near as intense as last year. I am ahead of the game at the moment, having read all the set books and a lot of the course texts too.

Still, its not over until the fat lady sings so I won't be getting too cocky just yet! The books we are studying are:

Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone.
The Tale of Peter Rabbit.
Junk.
Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry.
The other Side of Truth
Little Women
Swallows and Amazons
100 Best Children's Poems.
Voices in the Park.
Coram Boy.
Treasure Island.
Tom's Midnight Garden.

Some fabulous books there as far as I'm concerned - some of which I had never heard of, but all of which I have loved reading. I especially love Little Women, Swallows and Amazons and Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, but I would definitely recommend them all if you've not read them already.

I will let you know how the tutorial goes!

Enormous pumpkin !!

2011-10-02T22:02:00.001+01:00

I know I harp on about the old allotment, but I wanted to share with you my enormous pumpkin!! Here it is, rescued from the plot and nestling on my kitchen table next to an empty wine bottle ( so you can realise scale!!)

and then ... a picture of me next to it. I am not looking at my best as I am just about to go off and play football - hence the shin pads and rather too tight lycra!!

Help for Heroes - a quiz that made me think.

2011-10-01T16:41:00.000+01:00

I went to a quiz last night. I am a bit of a fan of quizzes being very competitive and strangely full of useless information. Sometimes it takes a little while for other team members to realise this as being small blonde and a big fan of lip gloss some people seem to think, initially that I am nice, but thick. Wrong.

Anyway, last night the quiz was to raise money for Help for Heroes and my team despite valiant efforts, were rubbish. I include myself in that description. Having blown my trumpet I realise that I am now revealing that despite flashes of brilliance I also exhibit quite large flashes of ... stupidity. I am not afraid to admit to weaknesses. For example I am quite weak when it comes to crisps ...

Anyway, I digress, as the lovely Ronnie Corbett would say. What I really want to talk about is Help the Heroes
because I felt really rather moved by last night. The hall was packed with people raising money for them and as I looked around I was touched at the number of ordinary people who had crammed into the hall in support of the charity, but really in support of the men and women out in Afghanistan.

At the end of the evening a young man stood up to ask us to buy some of his wrist bands. He joked about only being allowed to wear one type of wrist band by his sergeant major and he hoped that we would buy his bands. Then he mentioned, almost as an afterthought that his regiment the Royal Anglians were being deployed to Afghanistan in the near future.

I went over to him to buy 2 of the bands, one for each of my boys, and as I gave him my money I wished him good luck. For a split second as our eyes met the bravado disappeared and he quietly said 'Thank you.'

I wanted to say more, but I couldn't. Firstly because it wouldn't have been right and secondly because if I had opened my mouth to say more I would have blubbed. Meeting a young man and putting a real live face to someone who was actually going to be heading off to the war stopped me in my tracks. Personally I don't think we should be out there, but I totally support the men and women who are out there doing their jobs in very difficult circumstances. As long as they are out there I will do what I can to support them. The reality of what that young man was about to face, what he may well have already faced on a previous tour, was momentarily written in his eyes and it moved me immeasurably.

As that young man continued to sell his wrist bands I hoped very much that he would never need the services of Help the Heroes. Unfortunately in the past I have heard the Royal Anglians being mentioned time and again when the radio announces another young soldier has been injured or killed by an I.E.D or shooting. I hope they all come home safe.

Trying to learn about autism.

2011-09-29T17:35:00.001+01:00

You may have noticed the book I am reading at the moment. You may not have noticed, but bear with me! My friend at work lent it to me. I have only just started it, but already it is a book that is hard to put down. It is called Multicoloured Mayhem and its by Jacqui Jackson. If you click on my GoodReads section on the right hand panel you can find out more about it.

It deals with the family of Jacqui Jackson, a remarkable lady who has 7 children, 4 boys and 3 girls. All the boys are on the autistic spectrum. As a person who does occasionally come into contact with autistic children through my work I am eager to discover more about autism and its many 'colours' as Jacqui would say.

From what I have learned it would seem that there are as many colours of autism as there are autistic people. Each person has their own very special traits which can make their lives both very difficult and very different to those of us in the 'normal' range. I have to state here that I consider myself very lacking in knowledge when it comes to autism. It is a mystery to me and that is why I want to find out more. Our reactions to children with autism although well meant can often be completely the wrong thing to do. Putting an arm round an upset child seems to be a natural reaction, but to an autistic child the action can feel threatening, the touch like fire.

The last thing that I want to do is hurt or upset a child through my own ignorance. This book speaks from the point of view of a mother and a remarkable mother at that. Her patience is incredible. When realising that one of her sons was unable to follow her finger to where she was pointing she began a long process of training him by colouring the tip of her finger red and attaching a length of red ribbon from her finger to the window where she had placed a red smiley face. Over time she got him to follow the red ribbon to the face and then she slowly shortened the ribbon until he understood how to follow an imaginary line from her finger tip to where she was pointing. Now that's dedication.

Understanding an autistic child's literal view of things is essential too. To a child with autism 'crying your eyes out' is a scary thought. I have a long way to go in my understanding and I have to admit that I find understanding autism very difficult. For me body language and facial expressions are easy to understand. For me approaching life with a sense of humour is second nature. But in my job I have to think more and more about how I speak, the language I use as autistic children do not have the same understanding or outlook on life. For those of you who know about these things please don't worry - I am only a small cog and am not connected to any autistic children right now. I just want to learn for when I do come into contact with them so I can give them my best care.

When I have finished reading I will write a more thorough review, but for now if you are interested I would say its well worth having a look at.

The wasps nest.

2011-09-28T13:44:00.002+01:00

It is a gloriously sunny day outside so I am not going to write for long. After all, living in England you do have to make the most of any hint of warm weather. I am about to head off to the allotment and do a bit of weeding. Things are not too bad, but I like to keep the place tidy.

There is a huge wasps nest in my burning barrel which I am slightly concerned about. The barrel is an old oil barrel that is full of plant matter which can't be composted and which needs to be burnt. Unfortunately the wasps discovered it and have made it their home. It won't be their home for much longer if my husband has his way.

One of the first things my husband told me when we met was that he knew how to make napalm ... Yes, it wasn't a promising start. However, 25 years later his napalming skills may at last be coming to the forefront of usefulness in the destruction of the nest. My hope was to wait until the cold weather set in and then they would disappear by themselves. My husband is keen to get rid of them far sooner and his idea of getting rid involves large amounts of flammable liquid. Needless to say I won't be there when he does it.

Book Review of Your Daily Walk with the Great Minds: Wisdom and Enlightenment of the Past and Present. (3rd edition).

2011-09-24T16:45:00.000+01:00

A little while ago I wrote a review of Now:Embracing the Present Moment by Richard Singer. I was thrilled when the author himself contacted me to ask me if I would write a review of the third edition of his book Your Daily Walk with the Great Minds:Wisdom and Enlightenment of the Past and Present.

Now I am in a dilemma because I believe that honesty is paramount and I want to write an honest review of the book. When I read Now:Embracing the Present Moment it touched a part of me very deeply. I absolutely loved it. I have to say though that Your Daily Walk with the Great Minds:Wisdom and Enlightenment of the Past and Present is not for me.

Both books embrace the same ethos - that of seizing the moment, but where the first is a book that one can dip into, the second, to me, is more a recipe for daily life. It seems to be designed to be read every day and to be used as a tool for self improvement, self enrichment.

Each day of the year is provided for with a book of the month to read and a daily meditation on which to ponder. The reader is guided through each day with gentle suggestions that lead towards positivity and an emphasis on living in the 'Now'. Personal journalling is encouraged and the book is not a short term quick and easy read. This is a book aimed at people who are prepared to put in a lot of care, thought and effort.

Some of the monthly book suggestions are books that I have found inspiring - for example Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven.The sentiments of the book are genuine, heartfelt and will definitely inspire people. Unfortunately, however, I just don't think its for me.

Maybe its because I am a bit of a cynic or maybe its because I don't feel I need that much improvement (that does sound a bit arrogant doesn't it??) but the book left me cold. Where Now:Embracing the Present Moment inspired me Your Daily Walk irritated me with its use of language. Perhaps its my down to earth Englishness but sentences like 'Today I will remember that I have a vital purpose in this universe and that it is my responsibility to fulfil this obligation.' are not my cup of tea.

Now, having said all this don't let me put you off. Just because I didn't like it doesn't mean you might not find Your Daily Walk fantastic. This book is in its third edition and Richard A Singer is well regarded, but I am not going to lie and say that I loved it because I didn't.

What is it not? Or how to make maths less scary.

2011-09-17T21:53:00.000+01:00

I went on a training course the other day and it was brilliant. It was all about supporting primary school age children with maths. Now, although my first job involved using maths ( lots of mental arithmetic ) I hated maths at school. It was like someone pulled up a big grey curtain infront of me and expected me to punch my way through it.

It all seemed pretty stupid. As I started this course I could feel the old resentment and dislike of maths rearing its ugly head. I admitted to my friend just how much I hate teaching maths. I moaned about lack of resources, lack of enthusiasm ... I just felt myself filling with negativity.

And yet, as the course went on, the woman running it began to change that feeling. She was brilliant. She made me realise that it wasn't about having lots of all-singing all-dancing resources, it was about familiarity, positivity. She talked about 'scaffolding for success'. Well, when you see that written down it seems a bit airy fairy, but in reality its excellent.Its about creating an environment where children can feel positive and can see themselves succeeding. Her favourite phrase was 'Good Mistake!!!' Because even though a child might have got something wrong their mistake will be a stepping stone to getting it right.

There will be something in their answer that will show you they are heading in the right direction and that works for other subjects too, not just maths. For example they might think that a 'b' is an 'h'. Yes, they have got it wrong, but the good thing is that they knew 'b' and 'h' both have a similar shape. 'Good Mistake!!!'

She also emphasised the importance of developing memory. As adults we can hold facts in our head, but children have to learn this skill. She talked about having a memory tray - a tray full of everyday objects - and you play the game of remembering what was on it, or maybe you take something away and they have to work out what it was. Simple games, positive thinking and behaviour - that's the key.

She also talked about changing our thinking. Instead of asking 'What is 5+2?' you ask 'How can you make 7?' Immediately the mind has to open up and think of lots of things, not just be limited to a closed answer.

Another idea was asking what something is 'not'. Asking a child to look at the number 8 and to think what it is 'not' opens lots of thoughts ... its not odd, its not bigger than 10, its not a banana.

How about 3 numbers next to each other? 7, 11, 28 ... what is the same about them? or what is different? or ... what can you tell me about them?

The course made me realise how to make maths so much more interesting and therefore so much more understandable. Repetition and familiarity create confidence and a solid foundation. If you think you are good at something you are far more likely to enjoy it so building that success into activities is a good thing to do. I have to say - none of these ideas are mine - I have been a maths dinosaur, but I am hoping to use what I have learnt so that maths isn't as awful as I always thought it was.

A Ghostly Coincidence.

2011-09-14T22:58:00.000+01:00

When we were travelling back through France from our holiday my husband reached into our box of CDs and plucked one without looking to put in the player in the car.It turned out to be a Horrible Histories CD about the First World War.

As we drove along we listened to the story of the war and we realised that we were driving through the fields of the Somme as the narrator talked of the battles that took place there.

I always feel a heaviness when we drive through that area and I always feel that we are there before we see the sign. On the CD the man began to tell a ghost story of an officer who allegedly came back in spirit form to rescue his men. As the narrator told us that this story happened in a little place called Albert, at the exact moment that he said the word 'Albert' do you know which exit from the motorway we passed? Yep ... Albert.

Now, in a ten hour journey when you have been driving for 5 hours already and you chose your CD randomly ... that's one heck of a coincidence!

The Eccentric Cyclist.

2011-09-13T21:53:00.000+01:00

I always promised myself that when my youngest went to Secondary school I would start cycling to work. I work about 1 or 2 miles from home and it always seemed like a good idea, but when I was taking my son to school it was too complicated.

So, last week he started at his Secondary school, walking there with his brother and I took the plunge. I donned my helmet, bought a bike lock and girded my loins ...

The worst thing, I thought, would be having to cycle through the crowds of school children and I felt really rather nervous that they would laugh at me. But do you know what? I am so glad I have started. I absolutely love the freedom of whizzing along on my bike, wind in my hair and smile on my face ( although I try not to smile too much for fear of flies in my teeth ... )

The children I come across don't laugh at me and even if they do I don't care! Mostly we just say hello and I try not to run them over! I think that I am now entering the eccentric phase of my life. People will say " Oh, you know Sarah ... she's that woman who cycles everywhere looking like a deranged French onion seller and spends her whole time talking about her allotment!"

An excellent by-product of my eccentricity is that the weight is dropping off me! I have a new enthusiasm for exercise and am now cycling, swimming, footballing and zumbaing. Before you know it I will be stick thin and built of pure muscle ...

Well, you know I won't be, but I'll certainly be fit .. and probably wearing purple sequins and a floppy hat.

Allotment questions and photos.

2011-09-10T18:14:00.000+01:00

My life seems to revolve, these days, around my vegetables. My apologies to those of you who have no interest in either fruit or veg!!! I am just loving the satisfaction of seeing something that is completely under my control and to actually eat things that I have planted is amazing.

I am really grateful for your lovely comments and I hope I can answer your questions, (Inkling), in this post!!

I have little book that I write countless plans in for the plot and I am going to be running a 5 year crop rotation system. Crop rotation means that you don't grow the same crop in the same place each year and this helps prevent disease and so on. For example, I have grown potatoes in bed B this year and they won't be back there for another 5 years. I have to write my plans down, and also where I have grown particular veg. or I will forget.

I have learnt this year to grow only veg that we are going to eat. It seems obvious, but its tempting to grow things and then it comes to the stage when they are ready and you realise that nobody in the house will actually eat it.

And delayed planting seems the way to go. I planted loads of delicious cos lettuces and of course they were all ready at the same time! We were practically eating lettuce for breakfast, never mind every other meal!!

I have bought myself a cheap greenhouse which is one of those plastic contraptions covering 4 or 5 shelves. I am going to keep it outside my back door so it is easy to care for. I will be able to plant my own seeds and then put the seedlings in the ground when any danger of frost has gone. This will be cheaper and I will be able to stagger the planting of the seeds. Hopefully!!

As far as having too much produce is concerned - this has not been a problem. We are eating lots of runner beans, french beans and cucumber and the excess I enjoy giving away to friends and family. My pumpkins are growing nicely and I can't wait to be able to give some of them away for Hallowe'en.

My winter cabbages are coming on nicely. I weeded them today and they look good. I have covered them with yellow netting which is very fine gauge and designed to protect them from bugs.I have loads left and will use it again I think. It lets the rain and light in still so all is well.

I have learnt so much this year and am absolutely chuffed to have grown so much. I have ordered some summer raspberry canes which I will plant alongside my autumn fruiting raspberries. That way I will have raspberries all summer and all autumn!!!

The plan this Autumn is to plant garlic and spring cabbage to over winter. I am going to order a load of manure to shovel onto the earth so that by spring the beds will be full of rich lovely soil. Tomorrow we are adding more gravel, this time to the side paths and soon my compost bins will be built from the old pallets I've scrounged. Next weekend is the Allotment show and I am entering the Then and Now competition to show photos of the difference we have made in a year.

I dreamed of gravel pathways ...

2011-09-06T21:28:00.001+01:00

When I first started my allotment I dreamed that I would have gravel pathways ... and this week it came to pass. At least now I have some gravel on my paths and I am bery happy!

zumba and pumpkins...

2011-09-02T00:14:00.000+01:00

Oooer ... I was going to post about my latest allotment stuff, but I have been hijacked by the new blogger layout. How swish! So far I like it ...

Anyway, before I ramble on about the allotment I can tell you that I went to Zumba tonight. Its my 3rd time and I am getting slightly more co-ordinated each time I go.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about when I mention zumba - it is an exercise class based around latin american music. Its wild! Lots of shaking of my voluptuous booty, awiggling of my shoulders, hips and most other bits! There are routines which we attempt to follow and as I go with a few of my friends from work it is a real laugh!

The allotment is coming along well. Weeds are under control, gravel is on its way for my paths and I have worked out a plan for planting for next year. I have also discovered a fab new website called Gardenersclick It is set up for all sorts of gardeners and you can ask questions, post photos, read articles and enter competitions - all gardening based. If you like gardening its well worth a look!

For now though let me just post the photos I took today. I hope you like them!

Autumn Allotment Show and photographic competition ... here we come!!

2011-08-26T00:01:00.000+01:00

I know I go on about my allotment, but I am proud of it ... This Autumn the local council is holding an Allotment Show. People can come along and enter their produce into competitions. I am going to enter 2 of the competitions - Then and Now, which is a photographic competition showing the difference between your allotment when you first started ... and now. The other competition I want to enter is a photographic one where you can show photos of fruit or veg on your plot.

As you know, I have been taking photos ever since we started the plot. Each time I go down I take my camera and the result is a good record of the work we have done. Over the time I have taken some nice photos of my fruit and veg too.

So... I thought I would post some possible entries on here for you to see. I won't put the Then and Now ones on - you can see the sort of thing I will put on the allotment page above. What I am posting are my photos that I plan to enter in the purely photographic comp. I am not a photographer, but a snapper. I hope you like them!

There you go ...

When to say no to x box games - even if your kids hate you.

2011-08-24T21:32:00.000+01:00

My son is currently not talking to me. The reason is this ...

He wants to buy Blood Diamond James Bond for the X Box. It is a game and its certificate is 16. My son is 11, therefore he is not getting it. I think that's fair enough, don't you? As I have explained to him at great length and with great patience, games and films are given certificates for a reason. It is not appropriate for him to play games that involves killing, maiming, swearing and general horribleness.

Personally I don't understand why anyone would want to spend their leisure time playing such games.

He nearly tricked me not long ago, wanting to buy a game that was certified 15. He gave me the box and the money and asked me to go and buy it. I really don't know what came over me, but I went up to the till to buy it without looking. I suppose, foolishly, I trusted him.

Luckily the lady at the counter asked me who I was buying it for and whether I realised it was a 15 certificate. Although it meant losing a sale she advised me not to buy it, saying that it was violent and totally inappropriate for an 11 year old. I was so impressed by her and felt so stupid to have not checked the box properly. She was excellent - advising me without being pushy or making me feel useless.

She worked for Game and I wrote their Customer Service team an email as soon as I got home. I am not afraid to complain if I am not happy about something, but also I am quick to praise. I wrote about how grateful I was for her professionalism and wanted to pass on my thanks to both her and the shop generally.

It does get to me though that games depicting death, blood, destruction, wounding, swearing - all these things - are sold at all. What is there that is entertaining about killing even a virtual person?? My son tells me that lots of his friends have such games. Their parents are fab because they allow them to have what they want. I have explained to him that actually I am the fab parent here because I won't let him have them.

It is so easy as a parent to go for the easy option. Let them have what they want and bypass all the bad feeling and grumpiness. Part of being a good parent however is to take the difficult option and be cruel to be kind. I hope he appreciates how brilliant I am some day!!!

The allotment - what a difference a year makes ...

2011-08-23T12:29:00.000+01:00

I look at my allotment and I cannot quite believe that almost a year ago it looked like this ...

That first day I had in my head the way I wanted it to look, but I didn't know if I had the skills to achieve the picture in my head. It turns out that I had some of the skills, but the best thing was the friendship shown to me and that friendship has resulted in the allotment looking better than I could ever have hoped.

My husband has worked incredibly hard on the heavy stuff - building raised beds for me and encouraging me no end. But I think the real turning point came when my friend Len arrived. One day the plot looked like this ...

and then the next time I went down there it looked like this!!!

I have spent many an afternoon down on the allotment with Len. He has taught me how to dig, how to plant and prepare and his knowledge of the countryside is from a bygone age. He is kindness personified, wrapped up in a parcel of cheroot smoking, slipper wearing gruffness. He is now 80 and has been growing vegetables since he was 4. He knows everything!!

He built the runner bean frame behind him here for me and the other day we were joking about getting ourselves a little bench and a vase of flowers so we could drink our tea together. Next time I came down he had built us a bench!! Its made of some wood he found in the woods behind the plot - a 'for sale' post and the discarded slats of a bed. He put it together, varnished it and now I can use it for sitting, standing on to reach my beans and generally as an all purpose piece of genius!!

You can just see it on the right hand side of this photo. I will take a better one when I go again - unfortunately my camera ran out of charge yesterday!

What a difference from the first photo. Len has helped me prepare the plot and my husband and I have made the beds. I have planted and as you can see I have so much stuff growing!! In the yellow mesh covered bed I have planted winter cabbages. I have Autumn raspberries growing, marrows, pumpkins, French beans, runner beans,cucumbers - all doing well and very tasty.

Next I plan to put down gravel on my pathways. Len is helping another new plot holder, but we still chat for ages and I love both the banter and the wealth of knowledge and kindness he has brought to my life. I wish I could bottle what I have and share it with you more!!

An allotment update - photos of our harvest so far!!

2011-08-20T18:29:00.000+01:00

We arrived home from our holidays last Sunday and I went over to the allotment to see how everything was doing. Well ... you would not believe how everything has grown!! My pumpkins have taken over like triffids, climbing up and across everything they can find. I had to really cut some of them back. I counted loads of the things growing away like big yellow lanterns.

Another surprise was my marrows. When I left there was nothing on them. When I looked at them earlier in the week there were masses! I cut two and left the others to grow more. I have picked and prepared masses of French beans, runner beans, spring onions, garlic ... I think I have enough garlic for both us and my neighbour's family for a year!!

My Autumn fruiting raspberries are growing big and juicy too. I had planted All Gold which are yellow when ripe and sooooo sweeeet! Anyway ... I have posted some photos below for you.

Holidays in the Charente and the Dordogne - my photos.

2011-08-19T18:30:00.000+01:00

Having just about finished my holiday washing pile I am now in a position to show you my holiday photos. Do you fancy having a look? Do you have a few minutes to browse through some pics of the Charente and the Dordogne?If so, pull up a chair, sort yourself a cup of coffee or a glass of vino and have a peruse! As per usual there are absolutely none of me as I am the only one who bothers to take any photos at all ...

Fat bird returns from rainy France with a 2:1 - hurrah!!

2011-08-16T14:25:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm back. We have just spent two weeks in France, first at my cousin's house near Bordeaux and then near Sarlat in the Dordogne. Both these places are very beautiful, but please, if I ever mention to you that we are planning on driving down there for a two week summer holiday will you please just shoot me? Failing that maybe you could just remind me gently that 15 hours driving is really not a pleasant way to spend the first and last days of your hols ...

We succeeded in ending any drought that France may have been suffering, with our usual nack for bringing grey, dull, rainy weather with us. Luckily I had presence of mind enough to bring nice warm woolly socks with me and my cousin had a fantastic, deep bath with never ending hot water and a supply of bubble bath and wine. There is nothing quite like ending the day with a large glass of Pouilly Fume and a steaming bath that gently turns your skin from blue to lobster red.

The poor weather also meant that I have over indulged not only in the wine stakes, but also in any other type of food based greed. My tummy literally runneth over my jeans because of my complete lack of self control. You name it ... steak, frites, mousse de canard, creme brulee, baguettes, camembert ... the list goes on and on. I can now no longer turn my head without my double chins reverberating for at least two minutes and my backside has started to resemble that of an aged sow.

Still, the good news is that despite the after effects of all this gluttony I did enjoy myself. I also managed to read through 6 of my set books and JOY OF JOYS ... I passed my exam for the Open University!.I have been offered my degree having gained a 2:1, but I intend to keep studying for a year so that I can get my Honours.

So ... I may be fatter than I was, but I am also proven to be brainy beyond my wildest dreams!! Every cloud has a silver lining, as they say, and my French clouds have certainly proved to be lined with silver!

Book Review of NOW Embracing the Present Moment by Richard A Singer.

2011-07-31T22:45:00.000+01:00

In 2007 I began to train for the London Marathon. I am not a natural athlete so the training was hard. As I started to run longer and longer distances I found myself breaking them up into manageable chunks in my mind and I focussed on NOW. All I allowed myself to think about was the NOW – if I am feeling ok right NOW then I am doing alright.

If only I had read Richard A Singer’s little book at that time it would have confirmed in my mind that this was not only a way of training well for a marathon, it was a way in which to live my whole life well.

The book is split into two sections. The first is a group of 99 quotations from various writers and philosophers, intended to be dipped into daily. Singer adds a post script to each quote to explain how to adapt its message to your life. The second section is a collection of essays, each focussed, again, on how to live one’s life in the moment.

As Paul Coelho is quoted as saying, “No matter how long you wait, it will never be tomorrow. The only time to be happy, peaceful or joyous is Now; this present moment is all that will ever be.”

The philosophy of the book is so simple and yet stunningly meaningful. The only thing we really have control over in life is ourselves. If we live every moment as if it were our last, give our full attention to the people and things around us then will we be truly happy.

Thinking, living in the moment seems to slow everything down. I have been trying to live my life this way since Singer’s book arrived on my doormat and I have to say that I have experienced some beautiful moments. Stopping in the hubbub of the day to sit in the sunshine and listen to a little girl read, really listening to my son as he talks about his worries, breathing in the fragrance of the buddleia tree in my garden …

Richard A Singer’s NOW Embracing the Present Moment is a book of simple thoughts that touch deeply. It is easy to read, enjoyable to read and it is a precious addition to my library.

Article first published as Book Review: NOW: Embracing the Present Moment by Richard A. Singer on Blogcritics.

The hell of holidays ...

2011-07-27T11:41:00.000+01:00

The summer holidays are upon us and although I do realise how lucky I am to have the luxury of 6 weeks paid holiday in one big glorious chunk I find myself feeling a bit strange. Now don't worry. I don't expect any of you to feel any sympathy for me. After all why should you feel sympathy for a woman who has nothing to do all day but read, garden and generally do whatever fancy takes her??

It is odd though how much a creature of habit I am. In term time I have my routine of getting up at 6.30 am, preparing for the day for both myself and my boys. Then I work and obviously the day is filled with routine. Now that the holidays have arrived I find myself floating about in limbo.

I have my chores to do, but it doesn't matter when I do them. If I want to stay in bed all day I can... Is your heart bleeding for me yet??

Its odd how we all long for our holidays, dreaming of lazy days of relaxation, but when it actually comes down to it we need order and routine. At least I do ... I am happiest actually when I am doing things. I like the thought of "Right... I am doing this and then I have to do that, and after that I might have time to do this... " This week I have to get all my washing done for going to France. I also have to read my set books for my course that starts in October. I need to tidy my garden and write a review for Blogcritics. But I am a bit disorganised.

Here I am writing about not being organised when really I should be doing the things on my list!! So, on that note I am going to get off here ... maybe I will check my emails and have a look on Facebook before hanging out my washing and maybe getting lunch ... Durrr ...

Gardening Club Summer Picnic.

2011-07-19T22:44:00.000+01:00

Since May half term I have been helping to run a gardening club at my work. Each week we have met, planted lettuces, herbs, marigolds, sunflowers, tomatoes ... Between us we have taught the children about planting and weeding, watering and caring for the plants. They have enthusiastically pinched out tomato side shoots and pulled weeds from between paving slabs.

Today we had our end of term summer gardening club picnic and it was just wonderful.We set up a long table in our garden courtyard and served the children pizza garnished with our homegrown oregano. We made salad with our lettuces and poured glasses of water that sparkled in the sunshine.

It was so uplifting to see such a happy scene - so simple and yet, I hope, something that will be remembered.

Go the Fuck to Sleep - read by Noni Hazlehurst

2011-07-15T16:35:00.000+01:00

I wrote a review on Blogcritics about this book and today I found this youtube video showing Noni Hazlehurst reading it a la children's presenter. Despite the bad language I think its hilarious. I hope you do too !!

Sunshine.

2011-07-14T19:10:00.000+01:00

I don't write about the place I work on here. I don't want to get myself into trouble by revealing too much or giving opinions on the place or people. Today however is different. I am shortly going to be working with a new boss and today I had a trial run. The thing that hit me today was not so much my views on this new colleague, but my views on the person I work with now.

It suddenly struck me how very happy I have been working with her. Each day has been a partnership and she has made work fun. As the year has gone on our friendship has grown and today I realised that she has brought sunshine into my working life. Its weird how sometimes its only when you are about to lose something that you begin to value it fully.

I have been so fortunate to be able to work with someone who is honest and kind, funny and trusting. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met and although I am old enough to be her mum I am very glad to be able to call her my friend. I really hope we will stay in touch.

I felt really quite tearful today. This year has not been an easy one at work for various reasons, but I am so glad that we two were paired together. I know it sounds a bit naff, but we have been on a journey together, both of us learning as we went along.I have learnt a huge amount this year - both about myself, my strengths and weaknesses and about my job. The main thing though is that I will miss her so much. I think everyone at work will. She is just like a ray of sunshine bathing the whole place in light and joy. And yes, I know that sounds a bit daft, but its true.

To weed or to be shot - that is the question.

2011-07-12T21:12:00.000+01:00

I went down to the allotment yesterday to do some weeding and my fairy godfather Len had been there before me. He had dug over my pumpkin patch and the spare bit at the back. He is so lovely! I couldn't stay for long unfortunately as I was a bit worried.

The reason was that someone , I think, was using an air rifle nearby. I could hear some men's voices in the garden of the house near the woods and then I kept hearing noises. They were like either fireworks or an air rifle discharging. I felt nervous as, obviously...duh ... I didn't want to get shot. I couldn't smell any smoke or see anything shooting up into the sky so I began to think it must be a gun.

I started to hear the discharges and then shortly afterwards the leaves at the top of the trees nearby were being hit by something. Much as I wanted to stay and work more I thought it would be mad to be there alone. To be honest it would be mad to be there with other people! I thought about calling the police, but didn't as I wasn't sure and didn't know for definite where the people were.

So, instead I went to B&Q. Always a better option than being shot - don't you think??

Manners - do you think they are important?

2011-07-11T19:12:00.000+01:00

There was much uproar over here recently over an email that was made public and went viral as they say. It was from a woman to her daughter in law and it contained a list of dos and don'ts as far as manners are concerned. The daughter-in-law described the mother-in-law as the mother-in-law from hell, but I have to say that the points raised by the older woman made me think that perhaps the younger woman may be the daughter-in-law from hell instead. Perhaps they just deserve each other??

Some of the points raised by the mother-in-law are important though ...

"When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms."

Well, to me this sounds entirely reasonable. Would you ever go to stay at someone's home and loll about in bed all morning? Surely you would be up and having breakfast with them?

"No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity-style behaviour."

This one is trickier. To me it is not terribly important whether you get married in a castle, a church, a field or a beach. Its the vows that matter and if you can afford to get married in a castle then why not? Its all a question of taste and individuality. People can be just as naff and brash in a village hall as a castle.

"You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host."

Now, this one conjures up all sorts of images... dinners around at the mother-in-law's house with daughter-in-law piling her plate high with mash. She is right though. You don't just steam in, do you? You eat slowly, commenting on how delicious the food is and then when you and everyone else is finished the hostess should be asking whether you would like more. The least you could do if she forgets is to ask if anyone would mind if you had some more ...

"I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved for their daughters' marriages.) If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding."

This one really touches a nerve. It is just not the done thing to be talking about how much people can or cannot afford. It sounds as though the husband's parents are being expected to fork out lots of cash for the 'castle wedding' and if that's the case then I think she has a right to protest about the wedding being very expensive. It is usually the bride's parents who are more involved financially than the groom's, but surely in this day and age the couple should be paying for their own wedding?? If you can't afford it, don't do it.

The whole email strikes of absolute frustration - a woman at the end of her tether. We all do things we may regret later. I have written many a letter that was never sent, but in this age of emails all you need to do is press that send button with a feather like touch and your bile is off and flowing throughout the universe forever.

Of course, one would hope that family members like this would be able to talk to each other, but sadly this is not always the case and definitely not in this couple's lives. Not only is it sad that the email was written in the first place, but how mean to send it to everyone you know.

The thing that really got to me in all this is the way people mocked the need for manners. To me they are massively important and you are judged and judge others by their manners. Can you use your knife and fork correctly? Can you address a letter correctly? Are you respectful to others? Do you eat with your mouth open, or in the street?

I may sound a little old fashioned, but to me manners, good manners, are essential. It may not matter to some people, but it all comes down to respect for one another. When I see children who come to tea and have no idea how to sit at a table and eat politely, or who get up from the table immediately they have finished I get quite annoyed. I know that my boys have good manners and if they brought home a girl who ate like a pig and, slept all morning and paid no regard to anyone's feelings I would be very disappointed. Knowing my boys though I think the chances are that they will bring home someone lovely.

Cometh the Summer, cometh the rain, cometh the weeds ...

2011-07-06T18:12:00.000+01:00

Having spent hours weeding the allotment you can imagine my thoughts when I went down there and discovered this....

It just doesn't seem fair ...

So I set about weeding ... AGAIN ... and after a while decided to put down more weed membrane on the path. My plan had been to do this at some stage when all my beds were built and then put gravel on top of it, but I really don't want to spend all my time weeding blinking paths when I should be weeding ... beds ... GROAN!!!

Luckily, using raised beds it is easier to keep the weeds down among my vegetables, but it does offend me to see so many weeds everywhere else!! Still - we are eating lots of potatoes and my French beans and cucumbers are looking fine.

As are my lettuces and runner beans ...

I do have a bit of a problem with blackfly.I have pinched out the sappy growing shoots that these horrible creatures enjoy so much and will have to spray with soapy water if they persist. There do seem to be lots of ladybirds about so I am leaving it a bit to see if they can knuckle down to work!

My carrots are looking lovely and I pulled a couple up to thin and they look nice.

So ... its going ok. I am loving eating meals that I have grown myself - potatoes especially are to die for!! Now I just need to get my last bed made, put gravel down and start thinking about some brassicas ... don't I sound all countrified??!!

Take That at Wembley - review.

2011-07-03T13:55:00.000+01:00

This Friday just gone I put on my comfy boots, bought myself an over the shoulder bag and headed off to Wembley to see Take That. I went with 10 other women, all of us as excited as teenagers. We got there early, early enough to get great seats level with the stage and settled down in the sunshine to munch on expensive but revolting cheeseburgers and chips.

The Pet Shop Boys came on first at 7.15pm. I was never a great fan of them but they were good - you forget how many hits they actually had. Then, at 8.30, there was a countdown to The Show beginning. Over 75,000 people, mostly middle aged women, counted down to the beginning and then Take That hit the stage with Rule the World. I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything like it. 75,000 people screaming, cheering, singing ... unbelievable!!

The 4 came on first and did a set and then Robbie Williams came on to do a set a set of his own. He was brilliant in a self indulgent kind of a way. It must be very difficult not to develop a God complex when you have 75,000 people, night after night, screaming in adoration at you. I did find myself after a little while though thinking "ok - enough now - I have actually come to see Take That, not just Robbie". Still, when he sang Angels and asked us all to think of people we have lost, I found myself with tears streaming down my cheeks ...

Then the rest of the band came on and the longest set was all 5 of them.You forget how many great songs Take That have written. I did have a discussion with a musical friend on the relative merits of Take That compared to 'real musicians'. I had to say that I would imagine most 'real musicians'
would give their right arm to sell out 8 nights at Wembley stadium as well as all the other sold out stadia around the country. And how anyone can not recognise Gary Barlow as an absolute musical genius is beyond me. To fill over 2 hours with hit after hit, album after album, to which every person in Wembley could sing along to is no mean feat. There is a place for all sorts of musicians in the world and just because you like Take That doesn't mean you're a sentimental old fool!

There were times during the concert where it felt like we were all old friends getting together again after time apart. It was comfortable, funny and at the same time bloody spectacular. I have been to a lot of gigs over the years and I reckon, to be honest, that Pink Floyd at the old Wembley 20 odd years ago is the best one I have ever seen - made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. But on Friday night I found myself thinking at times that these were some of the most wonderful moments of my life. I was swept along by incredible music, fantastic showmanship and a sense of emotional belonging.

Heading back to the tube to wend our way home we commented on how this must be the easiest police operation ever to see all of us middle aged, middle class ladies back home!! No fights, no drunken behaviour, just a heady feeling that all was right with the world. It may not be as cool to be a Take That fan as to head off to Glastonbury with your wellies and a tent, but I think there is room enough in the world for us all... don't you?

Irritated.

2011-06-27T16:24:00.000+01:00

I sat down to write this and several topics popped up in my mind. Unfortunately I can't write about any of them. It was one of those times when you think to yourself "I feel strongly about this and I want to write about it", but another little voice in your head says "Careful, tiger!! If you write that and someone you know reads it you might end up losing your job."

So I am not going to write about those things. You will not have the joy of learning my views on strikes, decision making or certain irritating people. I am bound to silence. I hope you are impressed by my professionalism??

Instead I am sitting here being irritated by Venus Williams. She is playing a match at Wimbledon against Pironkova. Why do these tennis players have to make so much noise?? I don't think the men do, do they?? It sounds as if she is about to explode in some sort of massive orgasm every time she hits the stupid ball.

I can understand that she is putting in a lot of effort, but really ... Is it necessary? I think its just gamesmanship and when I have finished typing this I am going to turn the tv over. I am now feeling particularly peeved.

Oh, and another thing. Have you ever wondered where those aeroplanes flying overhead are off to? Well now you can find out by logging into Flightradar24.com You can click on the map and go to your part of the world and you will see little planes. If you click on them you will be told where they are coming from or flying to. In my little world of irritatedness this afternoon I have found light at the end of my tunnel. Now ... cup of tea I think ...

Bugs, berries and (b)otatoes down the allotment...

2011-06-24T20:26:00.000+01:00

The summer here has turned into the British summers we know and love. That is to say its pretty cold and pouring with rain a lot of the time ...

Anyway, this amount of rain means only one thing on my allotment ... weeds. Luckily I have got rid of lots of them so when they start to appear they are pretty easy to dig up. However, going down there the other day and seeing my nice neat beds peppered with little green seedlings offended me!!

I knuckled down and spent a productive couple of hours weeding and tidying. I just love to see the place looking neat and tidy again.

I took some photos of the bugs I could see - this nice ladybird which is always good to see as she eats the aphids that turn up. There was also this bug, possibly a longhorn beetle, and I have no idea if its a good or bad thing to have in my garden. Let me know if you know!!

We are starting to eat from the plot too. As you can see we have redcurrants, gooseberries and some lovely potatoes. Our lettuces are looking scrumptious and everything else is growing well. Who knew?? You can plant stuff, it grows, you eat it!!

Book Review of Go the F*ck to Sleep ...

2011-06-22T19:25:00.000+01:00

A little while ago I received an email inviting me to write reviews for the Blogcritics site. I was really pleased to be asked and have written a couple of reviews so far. The following review appeared on Blogcritics today. I have to say that I really loved this book - it actually made me laugh out loud!

Article first published as Book Review: Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach on Blogcritics.

A Review of Go the F*ck to Sleep, by Adam Mansbach

As a mother of two boys now aged 11 and 13 I can only wish that this book had been written when I was struggling through sleepless nights and ghastly bedtimes with my little dears! I think that any parent with young children will recognise the tone of voice in which this book is written – recognising the frantic desperation and ever present guilt suffered by parents. I would have loved, as I cried myself to sleep, to have known that I was not alone in being “fed up”, to say the least, with being a mum!

I laughed out loud at the beautifully written lines which would give a Gruffalo a run for his money! The juxtaposition of gorgeous illustrations, courtesy of Ricardo Cortes, and the poetry that mimics many a children’s story book taps into the rebellious side of any parent. Each stanza ends with a desperate, but wickedly funny line that had me giggling with guilty understanding.

At a glance Go the F*ck to Sleep with its bright paintings of babies, kittens, moonlight and mountains would slip into any nursery bookcase, but maybe this would not be a wise idea. It’s more a guilty pleasure – to be savoured away from young eyes.

I think that this book should definitely take its place as a compulsory gift, given about three weeks after becoming first time parents. It’s about this time you realise that having a baby is not a laugh a minute and the guilt over the thought that maybe having a baby wasn’t such a great idea after all, is just kicking in. Haggard and exhausted parents the world over would benefit from a read of this, accompanied by a glass of wine or a large bar of chocolate. Possibly both.

Adam Mansbach has taken a bold step in writing a book that totally understands an unspoken part of parenthood. I don’t imagine there are too many parents who can honestly say they don’t identify with Mansbach’s take on the art of being a mum or dad and haven’t spent time trying desperately to get a child to sleep. Part of me cringes at the use of the “F” word like this, but somehow it works. It’s funny – very funny. Placing an expletive in the title of what appears to be a children’s book is a real taboo, but obviously, this is not a children’s book and when you are drowning in a never ending stream of nursery rhymes in the sugary sweet realm of early parenthood Go the F*ck to Sleep is a refreshing shot of reality.

Father's Day - a memory of my dad.

2011-06-19T22:09:00.000+01:00

Its Father's Day over here in the UK. On Facebook people have been changing their profile photos to photos of their dads. I changed mine too - to one of daddy and me on my wedding day. I have posted it below so you can see.

I had some lovely comments about the photo and I realised, again, what an influence he had on many lives, not just mine or my family's. He was a doctor and I will always remember that on my wedding day there were little clusters of his patients who came to stand outside the church to see his daughter get married.

Those same people came to his funeral too.

I always remember that for the first time ever we held hands on my wedding day. I suppose when I was a little girl we must have held hands, but as I got older he was very reluctant to do things like hold hands or link arms. It became a bit of a joke between us - trying to hold his hand without him realising ...

But on my wedding day I slipped my hand into his and he held it tight - his eldest girl getting married. You can see in this photo that we are holding hands and that meant the world to me.

My brother said to me today that he thought Father's Day was another day of commercialism, but it doesn't have to be that way does it? You don't have to buy into all the commercial tat. I think its lovely to see all the photos of dads on Facebook. I am getting to the age now, as are my friends, when many of us have lost our fathers, and it is rather lovely to be able to post a photo and say "Look everyone - this was my dad and I loved him"

Do you wear sun cream or baby oil??

2011-06-18T15:24:00.000+01:00

I listened to a radio article the other day that left me with my jaw scraping along the floor in astonishment. The reporter was asking people about their use of sun cream, both for themselves and their children. It was a subject I am interested in as I have always been a bit fanatical about using sun cream for both myself and my boys.

Most of the people they asked seemed to think that they didn't need to wear sun cream unless they were abroad on holiday, and even then they were wearing low factors. One woman even said that she just put on baby oil ... baby oil??? I couldn't believe it.

I have always had skin that tans easily - I usually am quite an olivey colour, but I always wear sun cream on my face - factor 25 at least and on my body I wear either factor 30 - 50. I sometimes feel a bit embarrassed that people might think I don't wear sun cream, but as I spend so much time outdoors - either running or on the allotment, I do tend to have a rugged 'outdoorsy' look !!!!

The other day I saw a young boy I know whose legs were horribly sun burned. He always, at the first sign of sunny weather, gets burnt. Its not his fault is it? Its his parents' fault. I can't quite believe in this day and age that any parent can allow their child to get burnt.

I don't want to sound sanctimonious about this, but its so important. And its not expensive to put a t shirt on your child - a hat. Supermarkets sell their own brand creams and sprays at a fraction of the price of the more well known brands. Its just about getting into the habit and realising that its a really essential thing to do. The sun can do so much damage without you even realising, so to get into the habit of putting on sun cream can only be a good thing.

Of course there are stories of children suffering from lack of sunshine... over molly coddled kids who rarely go out or who are so drenched in total block that they develop deficiencies caused by lack of vitamin D. I am not saying that that's the kind of thing we should be heading for! My kids spend most of their time outside - on their bikes, playing football, running about...

But what every parent should avoid is allowing their kids to get burnt, pink or affected by the sun in any adverse way. By refusing to use sun cream themselves, or by using low factors or sun beds ( a whole different post, don't even get me started ) people are setting a really bad example. Its about living a healthy lifestyle and being aware of the dangers without being paranoid.

I think most people are aware and hopefully most people protect both themselves and their children. But when I saw that little boy the other day, with his calves and shoulders red and peeling and heard the woman on the radio saying that she used only baby oil - I just felt appalled. I could have posted photos of people suffering from skin cancers, but I don't think that's necessary - is it?

Coping with a teenager... just about.

2011-06-15T20:55:00.000+01:00

My little blond boy has turned overnight into a teenager ... I have never had a teenager in the house, but I am doing my best to cope. It is really quite odd... one moment he is my boy - well behaved, polite, caring - the next moment he is scowling, angry and bolshy.

I am trying my best to KEEP CALM. I am trying to be reasonable, pick my battles and not raise my voice. This is sometimes easier to aim for than actually do. When confronted with a lumbering mass of hair and hormones who is refusing to empty the dishwasher it is sometimes tempting to just let him get away with murder or, on the other hand, just scream at him to empty the bloody thing and do as he is told.

I do remember, however, the advice of my grandmother who told my mum ( who now tells me regularly) "If you let a 5 year old get the better of you, God help you when they are 15! " I have just had a 'moment' over the dishwasher emptying thing. Apparently it was absolutely unfair of me to ask him to empty then load it. He did, however, eventually do what I asked. 15 minutes of arguing the toss, 5 minutes of doing it. I didn't lose my temper and when he had done it he was fine.

I suppose things could be worse. He is basically a good young man. He likes being at home with us and most of the time he gets on well with his brother. If the worst thing that I can moan about during his teenage years is him stealing a bag of mini cheddars or arguing about whether or not he wants to empty the dishwasher I reckon I will look back and be happy.

Somehow I need to keep him onside and keep our relationship on an even footing. He has to realise that I am in charge.There are rules. Its a question of give and take isn't it? I suppose he's testing the water to see what he can get away with ...

This evening I have won the battle. He is sitting here clean, happy, watching football on the telly and unharmed from his foray into the world of dishwasher work. Let's hope I keep winning and one day I will wake up and a fine young man will emerge from his bedroom like a butterfly from a cocoon - sweetly smelling, on time and offering to make me a cup of tea.

Exam misery, madness and mayhem!! What a lot of lovely alliteration!

2011-06-14T21:26:00.000+01:00

Well... you know I wrote that I had done my exam and I was off to drink cider, tend my allotment and generally forget about the whole of my course - letting the knowledge trickle out gently? It seems that I am probably alone apart from one other lady! The AA316 forums are heaving with dissatisfied AA316 customers - seething at the injustice of yesterday's exam!

I couldn't quite believe my eyes as it unfolded before me. There are a lot of upset people out there. I did tentatively write that I enjoyed it, but the other lady went into slightly more detail and ended up in a massive debate. I typed a few replies to some of the points, but decided to delete them as passions seemed to be running high...

Eventually the lady asked whether there was anyone else out there who did not find the exam too awful and I had to answer. Poor girl, I thought. You are not alone, I wrote!

Its a sensitive subject to get involved with and when people are upset already the last thing they need is some smarta*** coming on to say that they loved the exam. I didn't want anyone to think I was belittling their efforts, but I also felt sorry for this woman who was being battered for saying what she thought. Anyway... we shall see if I have offended anyone! I hope not. I tried to explain that, as my family and friends realise, my enjoyment of exams does verge on the weird!!

But, seriously, what is the point of going on and on about how unfair an exam was, or how badly you did, or even just going over what you wrote? There is nothing you can do about it and all anyone can do is wait and see. I suppose that it is very upsetting to have worked hard and to be afraid that you have done badly after a year of study. And, of course, this exam was worth 50% of the course mark...

Let's hope that everyone did better than they fear and as well as they hope.... and now I promise not to mention the exam again. ITS OVER!!!

Another year, another exam ... done! Goodbye AA316!!!

2011-06-13T20:34:00.000+01:00

I am just about to pour myself a lovely long, cold glass of cider. I have not been partaking of any such nonsense recently because I had my Final exam today for my Open University course - AA316.

I have been snuggled away revising Nineteenth Century novels, critics and more critics from the 20th century. So today was the big day. I had to do a 3 hour exam - 2 analytical questions, one on a passage from a novel and another from a critical essay passage. Then there were 2 essay questions to write, an hour each.

As I confessed last year when I did my exam for A210, I actually quite enjoy exams. Luckily I have a good memory for facts and figures and can think on my feet when it comes to quirky exam questions. Today I got lucky and everything went to plan. Well... at least I hope it did! I could be writing this in blissful ignorance of a paper failed!!

There are always those people afterwards though who want to deconstruct the paper, chat about where and how they went wrong. I tend to make a hasty retreat so I don't have to talk to anyone. My philosophy is 'What will be will be.' There is no point going into details as you leave the exam - what on earth can you do to change anything?

I did get stopped by a couple of people who asked what I thought of it and I remained neutral, but they seemed quite upset which is a shame. I would hate to have worked so hard and yet be faced with a paper that I couldn't do. I hope they are ok...

For me though the war is over for this year - well, until October anyway. I can while away the hours at my allotment!! I will get my results in August and they will offer me my degree. I can't quite believe it!! I am not going to take it yet though as I want to add on the Honours bit.

From October I will be studying Children's Literature which sounds lovely. The reading list includes some real classics like - Little Women, Harry Potter, Treasure Island and The Tale of Peter Rabbit!! Can't wait!!

Someone shut me up - pathetic woman alert!!!

2011-06-12T11:15:00.000+01:00

You would think that by the age of 47, which is my age now, I would have learnt to be a tad more self confident and rather more able to keep my mouth shut in situations of stress... Sadly though it would appear that I am as incapable now as I was when aged 13 to keep my thoughts to myself.

I feel sorry for my friends and my husband who have to put up with my whining, self pitying drivel.The occasion that spurs me to whine some more, but this time on my blog rather than out loud, is a party I went to last night. I came away feeling ashamed of how I behaved.

Don't get me wrong ... I didn't drink and end up making a fool of myself ... I just acted in a way that a 47 year old ... shouldn't. I suppose its my innate lack of self confidence and self belief that causes it. And my inability to keep my mouth firmly closed. I arrived and spent the first 10 minutes moaning about how I hated parties like this because I never knew what to say ... and about how the place was 'full of grown ups'.

I look back and think that perhaps somebody should have, at that point, pulled me outside and given me a slap. Nobody is interested in me rambling on about my inadequacies ( ironic that I am again writing about them, but hey, you can always click away can't you??!!) and I should just learn to bite the bullet and get on with it.

The younger people in our party were a prime example of lovely, well mannered guests who spent their time being interested in everyone else. I, on the other hand, was a walking, talking neurotic idiot. I think I just want people to say , 'But, Sarah, we all hang on your every word - you are thrillingly interesting and we love you...' Please excuse me while I vomit discreetly.

The party was lovely. The people were kind and friendly and just generally nice folks. I couldn't stay long as it was, but as I walked away to my car I just felt like a mug. Why oh why do I still feel like this at my age?? My husband is getting excited at the thought of us having a joint 50th birthday party and I am dreading it. The thought of being the centre of attention, of having to talk to people on a large scale, of worrying whether people are enjoying themselves ...

Good grief, but this is pathetic. Perhaps I am hormonal, but I am sick of feeling this way, sick of being so weak and wobbly. I am not shy - I am confident in lots of ways, but I hate parties. I hate feeling that people are only talking to me because they have to for my allocated 5 minutes, and then they will move on, relieved, to someone more interesting. I hate the fact that last night I let myself down by being so needy. I am a very honest person - I cannot lie to save my life, but there are times when you just need to keep your mouth shut. Nobody is interested in how uncomfortable I feel at parties and by droning on about it I make them feel uncomfortable too.

So, if you see me at a party and I start to moan and drone and generally rabbit on with unsuppressed self indulgence ... please, for the love of God ... tell me to shut up.

Alice Pyne goes global and the world shows it's heart.

2011-06-10T16:50:00.000+01:00

Two days ago I posted on here about a 15 year old girl called Alice Pyne. Alice has terminal cancer and had set up a blog, as she says 'for a few friends and family'. She wanted to try and sort out a few experiences in her life before her time, sadly too short a time, ran out.

click the photo to go to Alice's blog!!

Since I posted about her it would seem that many other people have been touched by her story too. Little by little - well, actually pretty darn quickly - the word has spread until, as I write, Alice has gone global as they say!! Not only does her blog have over 10,000 followers, but she was mentioned at Prime Minister's Question Time. She has trended on Twitter and she has been avalanched by offers to fulfil her wishes.

Please don't forget either that her wishes are not for money or fame, but for simple heartbreakingly touching things like to stay in a caravan for a night, have a back massage, have a photo shoot with her dog, go to Cadbury World ...

And the thrilling thing is that these things are happening for her. She asked to meet Take That and this weekend she is off to see their show and meet them - brilliant!

She is keen, on her blog, to emphasise that she does not want money and that she knows there are other children who are ill just like her. She has set up a link so people can spread their kindness to other ill children.

Another of her wishes was that people sign up for the bone marrow register and apparently many many people have. People have also been sponsoring her sister who is running in their local Race for Life to raise money for Cancer Relief - so far people have donated £10,000. Amazing.

Throughout all this there is a sense of joy that we can help a little girl who does not have long to live, but who has a simplicity that has touched us all. That joy is tinged with sorrow in the knowledge that she is so ill. The internet is blamed for all sorts of things, but on this occasion it has shown its invaluable usefulness. Could the news have spread so quickly without it?

I was so touched by the people who reposted or retweeted what I and other people had written about Alice and it was through the invisible links of friendship that the story grew. Its quite lovely that one 15 year old girl can touch so many hearts and in turn those hearts reach out to touch hers.

Alice's Bucket List - please read and visit.

2011-06-07T19:33:00.000+01:00

There are days when you read a blog post that rises above the mundane - the idle chit chat of Blogger or Twitter or Facebook - and stops you in your tracks. There are blogs that need taking note of - not 'blogs of note', but blogs that are a simple, brave and touching cry from the heart.

Today, a moment ago, I came across Alice's Bucket List .

Alice is 15 and has just found out that the cancer she has been suffering from is terminal. She has not chosen to curse the world. She has chosen to live with dignity and has set up a blog with a simple list of things she would like to do before the little time she has is over.

She would like to stay in a caravan, visit Cadbury world, have a back massage ... The simple wishes of a 15 year old girl are heartbreaking.

I would ask you - whoever you are, wherever you live - take a moment, please, to visit her blog and send her support. If you can help her with her wish list that would be wonderful.

A recipe for happiness ... it works for me anyway.

2011-06-05T12:26:00.001+01:00

There is nothing better for clearing my mind than to spend time outside. When I was thinner and fitter I would go for a run and let the wind rushing through my hair blow the cobwebs and the frustrations of the day away.I am still hoping that my running days are not over! Nowadays though you are more likely to find me escaping either into my garden or my allotment to clear my head.

No matter what has happened in my day there is something about being outdoors, alone, in the sunshine and the breeze that empties my head of my worries or my sadness. The quiet trek from water butt to vegetable beds, with water from my watering can slopping onto my feet, becomes a process of meditation. My only companions are the birds and the insects and somehow my mind reaches a quiet place - a place of contentment and happiness.

There is much to be said for being able to find that place. I don't have to be anything I am not. There is no expectation to be anything other than the carrier of water for my plants.

I crouch in the dust of my pathways, slowly making my way around my plot, weeding and tidying and slowly emptying my mind of the day's happenings. I probably spend about 45 minutes each day doing this and although it will never change the world it changes me. I choose to put away everything negative and just concentrate on making my plants healthy, my plot spotless.

We have eaten two of my lettuces now and each day I go there are changes to everything. The runner beans are shooting up the canes and the redcurrants are turning into scarlet jewels, nestled amongst the shading leaves. Spring onions are pushing their way up through the earth to protect my carrots. And the bush I thought was another red currant is now laden with ... gooseberries!

I am very lucky to have my little sanctuary. It may not change the world, it may not be very interesting to anyone else, but I love it and it makes me happy on days when I could have been sad.

An English country garden...

2011-06-02T21:02:00.000+01:00

This evening I sat in my garden drinking a glass of cold cider, looking at my plants and I thought I would take some photos. When we first moved into this house the garden was bare and so every plant you can see was planted by me. I know its not a Chelsea Flower Show garden, but I love sitting in it, smelling the flowers, watching all the bees and birds and listening to my little water feature burbling away. When I think back at the dry, sad little desert it was when we moved in I think we have done a jolly good job!! Even though I do say so myself!!

A good use for A210 or AA316 course cds.

2011-05-31T16:56:00.000+01:00

I have discovered an excellent use for my Open University course cd's. They are now hanging from my runner bean poles and cloches in order to scare away any thieving birds that might take a fancy to my lettuce, French beans or cucumbers.

As I tied them up with green gardening twine a smile played across my lips. I wonder what the stuffy course guests who appear on said cds would say if they knew they were relegated to an allotment in Hertfordshire, swinging in the breeze??

All the pretentious twaddle they spouted and now they are flashes of sunlight reflecting on my marigolds, clicks of plastic on bamboo as they tap against my canes...

I just want to be ...

2011-05-30T17:59:00.000+01:00

I seem to have lost my way. Well, by that obviously I don't mean that I am lost. I know where I am. I'm on my sofa. What I mean is that I have lost my blogging way... I seem to spend my time posting photos of vegetables and talking about inter cropping. Now that may be interesting to some people...in fact I find it interesting ... but is it really setting the world alight?

this is as exciting as my life gets ...

There is no frantic jostling over the airwaves as people fight to retweet my posts. I am not forced to shut down my comment boxes because they are liable to collapse under the strain of avid readers posting their reactions to my blog.Maybe that's not what its all about.

I have had moments in the past when I worry about my blogging. I can be a worrier.I am neither an amazingly interesting writer - filling my pages with flowing prose. Nor am I witty or acerbic. I am just me. I suppose my blogs appeal to other people like me... people who have no claim to fame, no amazing lifestyle. Its a bit like sitting on a bus and gazing through the windows of houses as you drive by - peering briefly into the lives of other ordinary people as they have their tea or do the ironing.

For a moment their quiet mundaneness is comforting. The knowledge that there are other people out there leading average lives, cooking, planting vegetables, complaining about their kids.... that knowledge reassures us that its ok to be average.

Most of the time I am fine with that, but today I am a little hormonal, a little lost. I am like the little girl I once was - full of dreams of success, of being popular. But, unlike that little girl, I am also aware that none of those things are going to happen. I am not going to shoot to spectacular success with my writing. I will continue to plod along, telling the ether of my everyday life - my study, my vegetables, occasionally my frustration with some world problem ...

Shall I tell you a secret though? I don't want to be average... I want to be successful and popular. I want people to think I'm brilliant and funny and interesting ... Don't worry ... I will be back to normal tomorrow ... I just need to get my head back together and accept my averageness ... and maybe post a photo of my French beans?

AA316 revision ... now that's a post title that smacks of fun and interest!!

2011-05-28T16:38:00.000+01:00

When I have written this I am going to revise. I have an exam in 2 weeks and really ought to be revising now instead of trolling around Facebook, Twitter and various other websites. I seem to have a built in timing system. Without actually working out how much time I need to complete something I just seem to know when to start.

Its as if my inner clock is working everything out in my subconscious and then, when the time is right, I begin. It was like that with my long essay and it worked out well.With my A levels , years ago, it worked out ok too. So I am hoping this exam will be ok too.

Having attended an Exam Revision Day School last week I now know what I need to revise and I spent a few hours downloading info. All I need to do now is force myself to sit and learn it!!

Trees.

2011-05-27T18:29:00.000+01:00

I had spoken to the local council about two enormous trees that overhung my allotment. I was worried because a couple of their branches were huge dead and rather dangerous. The lady arranged, after I had expressed my fear of death or serious injury, to have them felled. Its amazing what the mere hint of litigation or responsibility can do to gird the loins of local authorities!

Today I went along to the plot and both trees had been felled. The men who did it must be some sort of geniuses because they managed to do it with no damage to my plot whatsoever. Quite incredible!! I hadn't realised how close they were to my fence. Now I have some more light and I no longer am afraid of enormous branches dropping on my head!

There. I may complain when things go wrong, but I say nice things when they go right!!

before the trees were chopped

after they were felled.

you can see one of the stumps thru the undergrowth.

Recycling jobsworths ... idiots.

2011-05-24T22:31:00.000+01:00

Right. Another day and another thing that has riled me... What is going on? I am usually such a happy bunny! I got home from work to discover that the bin men had refused to take one of my bins. We have various bins here - one for card, food, garden waste. One for glass, tins, plastics. One for paper. They had left the one that is full of paper in an insert box and plastic, glass and tins in the main bin.

Their reason for the refusal? Their reason for the large label on my bin marking it as Toxic?? They had found one sheet of A4 paper in the main bit of the bin. Yes, you read correctly.... ONE SHEET OF A4 PAPER.

Can you believe that? Two weeks worth of recycling, carefully sorted and one sheet of paper in the main bin instead of the insert box means that we have to wait another two weeks. I don't even know where the paper came from. It could have come from a passer by opening my bin and throwing the paper in.

I am so cross. What is wrong with these people?? Are they such jobsworths that they have to be so anal over things?? I could understand if we were abusing the system - not recycling, or putting any old thing in our bins... but ONE SHEET OF PAPER??!!

My sister in law lives 5 minutes away and does not recycle food at the moment. She just chucks it all in the bin to go to landfill. I separate all my stuff - plastic, glass, tins, paper. Bloody nora ... I work hard to do it right. And these idiots leave me with a bin full of stuff.

I have emailed them and will phone them tomorrow to try and appeal to their sense of fairness. But I don't hold out much hope. I will let you know.

Women's rights pushed back 50 years by sexist club.

2011-05-23T16:31:00.001+01:00

Before I began my life as a secret housewife I had another life. For 12 years I worked in casinos. I was fortunate that I worked in high end, Mayfair clubs and although some of you may have visions of seedy dives occupied by gangsters and girls of easy virtue, the truth was a long way from this. In fact there are no such places in Britain - they are myths left over from the 1960's.

I considered myself a career woman, respected by both those I worked with and the punters. Women worked hard to dispel the image of being bits of fluff who happened to deal roulette or blackjack. We wanted to be considered equal to the men with whom we worked.

And now I am so disappointed to read about the opening of the Playboy club again in London. I refuse to even put a link to it because it represents everything that is wrong with casinos. The 'bunnies' were 'cast'. They were not interviewed as any other person would be interviewed. Its not about 'How good are you at the job? Can you deal games efficiently? Can you handle difficult situations?' Its all about 'Does she look good in a bunny outfit?'

Now tell me... if you went into a club and was greeted by a girl in a tiny leotard with her boobs pushing voluptuously over the top and legs up to her arm pits, wearing high heels and fish net tights - what would you think? 'Oh, here's a professional woman with whom I can have an intelligent conversation? Here's a person I can trust and respect?' Or would you maybe think ' Here's a tart I might get something out of? If I pay will she let me cop a feel?'

I cannot believe that women, in the 21st century, are willing to allow themselves to be put in the position of being hired purely for their physical appearance.Few of the staff there, and by that I mean the female staff, are there because they are good at their job.Some have never worked as croupiers before. They are there so they can provide eye candy for the punters. Their ability to operate as croupiers is unimportant. I believe that many of the old staff at the club have left - either pushed out or having left of their own accord because they refused to wear the 'uniform'. After all - the powers that be don't want some old bird with cellulite in their bunny outfits do they??

I had many an argument in my days working for casinos with the girls who allowed themselves to be used like this. Some said I was jealous that I did not have their 'assets'. Some said that it was their choice, their decision to wear skimpy santa suits for the Christmas card shoot and that it was all a bit of fun. I would argue that yes, it was their choice, but that it destroyed any respect we had ever fought for as women. By positioning themselves as sex objects they demeaned not only themselves, but the other women around them.

Maybe I am a killjoy in some people's eyes, but to me the position of women in society is fragile enough without them being put in bunny outfits that have them tottering about in high heels with their boobs and bums hanging out. What on earth is the aim of this? How can this possibly be anything but a backwards step?

Working in a casino is a difficult job. You have to make quick decisions, work out complicated bets, deal with angry clientèle. You have to be aware of so many things and it is a profession already tinged with disrepute. Many people see female croupiers as little more than tarts.

Well, I certainly was not like that. I was a hard working professional and I took pride in my job. Yes I always made sure that I looked as good as I could, because I was in the 'entertainment business' in a way. But that was as far as it went. I cannot believe that the powers that be can have the gall to put women's rights back 50 years by choosing women purely on their physical appearance. And I am gutted that the women who have chosen to work as bunnies are content to be viewed in this way.

I am so angry.

A fifth bed ...

2011-05-22T19:47:00.000+01:00

Just a quickie to show my fifth bed and my pumpkin patch...

There you go...

Lettuces, lavender and French marigolds on my allotment.

2011-05-20T22:05:00.000+01:00

I spent a lovely afternoon on my allotment. I had been to the garden centre and bought some plants - pumpkins, lettuces, lavender, thyme and french marigolds. I popped along to my plot and set about planting. I cannot tell you wonderful it is to be alone in my allotment with the birds and the breeze, planting and watering. Its so simple - something that people have done for centuries and I am amazed every time I go down there to see my plants growing.

It is starting to look like a kitchen garden, with a mix of vegetables, fruit and herbs. My ambition is for it, one day, to be bright and buzzing with bees and hover flies, butterflies and ladybirds - along with healthy beds of scrumptious lettuces, runner beans, potatoes, french beans ...

Hopefully this week we will put in the last raised beds so we will have 6 in all. Getting there... getting there.

A crappy day, but a perfect husband.

2011-05-18T15:18:00.000+01:00

I am having one of those afternoons... Do you know the ones I mean? The ones where you have loads of things you ought to be doing, but end up doing nothing and then you start feeling sorry for yourself because you have so much to do? I know that sounds a bit dumb, but I know what I am trying to say...

I have been sitting here downloading revision material from my course web site. I have a casserole in the oven and have taken another one round to a friend who has been poorly. I have been doing necessary things, but I still feel a bit useless...

I think the whole downloading of revision stuff has made me realise how little I know!! I have yet another meeting tonight - I have been out at meetings three times this week. I would really like to just sit down with my family and a glass of wine and just relax infront of the telly. But its not going to happen.

I still have to plan for work tomorrow, tidy my kitchen, peel potatoes and serve tea, as well as going to the allotment. Thank goodness I married the perfect man - a fact proven to me today when I came home at lunch time to discover he had made a rhubarb crumble for tea...

Even crappy days have their silver linings!!

Being a mature student and fitting everything in...

2011-05-17T23:23:00.000+01:00

I was over at Student Mum's blog and she had posted a link to an interesting site. It certainly interested me as a mature student/ full time mum/part time worker. The thing is that when you sign up to be a mature student you sign up for a lot of hard work.

When I was 19 and started at University the first time round there were several mature students on my course. The thing that really impressed me about them was their dedication. They truly loved the course and were totally committed to their study. They had given up their day jobs to study full time and had a lot on the line.

Now I find myself in a similar position to those mature students of 25 years ago, only I (along with hundreds of other Open University students) am having to both study and run my normal life at the same time. One of the essential skills I have learnt during the last couple of years is that you need to be organised to do this. Its not enough to be passionate - you have to get yourself sorted.

We all have different ways of organising our study, but for me I have to plan ahead. Last summer as soon as I had finished my last course, in fact the day after my last exam, I started on my reading for this course. I ordered my books and made sure that I both read and made notes on the books every day. Even when I went on holiday I was up and by the pool in the shade by 7.45 each morning. I know that sounds obsessive, but I knew that if I was going to get through Middlemarch, Dombey and Son and the other 10 novels on the list - never mind the thick book of critical essays - then this was a necessary evil.

I follow the course diary and, to be honest, I cherry pick. I look through the course and decide what is essential and what is not. You just have to face sometimes that you cannot study everything on your course. You have to think about what is important and what will get you the best understanding of the subject in the time you have.

As often as I can I get up an hour early, before my children are awake, to read.

Often all my plans go to pot. There are times when I have planned to read something, write something and I have a window of an hour or two in which to do it. But my boys and their needs get in the way. Yes, I know that sounds awful, but its the truth.The times I have had to abandon my plans in order to sit with my son and do his maths homework with him ... or help with trumpet practise.

Most of the time I keep my books open on the kitchen table so I can have a quick look while the water is boiling for pasta.Keeping everything out saves time and its amazing what you can take in in small bites!!

I have finished my last essay of this module now. I planned the writing of it over 2 weeks and then gave myself a target of 500 words a day for just over a week. The amount of words fitted with my lifestyle and made the 4000 word limit reachable without too much grief.

Now all I have to do is sort out my revision for the end of module exam in a month's time. The thing is that all over the country... all over the world there are people from all walks of life attempting to study. They are holding down full time jobs, part time jobs, looking after children, struggling with illness... you name it people are working through all sorts of obstacles to achieve their dreams.

25 years ago I didn't realise how lucky I was to be able to be at university and have no distractions( other than boys and drink) to my studies. Now I understand the commitment it takes to study something and succeed.

If you think you fancy learning something new, achieving a life goal, then you should go for it. I am so close to getting to the end of this and the sense of satisfaction will be amazing. In August I will have finished my degree, but I have another module to do next year to gain my Honours. I am thinking of starting next year's books before this year's exam this time!!

Allotment,AA316 Study and Roger Water's Music ... with photos

2011-05-15T22:28:00.000+01:00

I have had such a weekend! Its been spread out between studying, gigging and gardening. I am just over 3000 words into my final essay of the year and things are going pretty well. I had my last tutorial yesterday and amazingly that was quite interesting too.

Last night we went to the O2 to see Roger Waters perform The Wall. He is ex Pink Floyd and the show was absolutely incredible. The man is a genius!! We went with the other guys from my Man's band and I have to say they are all just lovely. Its so cool when you are with people you genuinely like and enjoy being with!

Because of all my writing and socialising I couldn't go to the allotment yesterday. Its the first time I've not been down for weeks if not months and I felt terrible - like I had abandoned my veg!! I went up there today though to water and couldn't believe L's latest kindness.

He has finished digging over the plot as far as is possible so we can put up 2 more raised beds this week or next. As I stood looking about though I realised that he had put up wooden borders on two sides of the plot. He has brought along wood, painted it with wood treatment and dug in metal posts to hold it in position. I was, as we say in this part of the world, gobsmacked!!

This lovely man is 80 years old for goodness sake. P and her daughter came over to chat and said that L had been there all day and I felt really quite tearful. These people have taken me into their community with such kindness and I am so fortunate.

My allotment photos back up again .... can't wait for blogger any more.

2011-05-13T21:29:00.000+01:00

Blogger ate my post with new photos of the allotment so I am putting them up again. Thank goodness my posts were not full of flowing prose - I would have been gutted to have lost something like that!! Luckily I am not that talented so here goes again with my pictures...

Grrrrrrrrrr Blogger.

2011-05-13T18:01:00.000+01:00

I am not impressed with Blogger. I have not been able to sign in to my blog for some time and the last 2 posts I wrote have been deleted. No apology or explanation from Blogger. I may look into moving to Wordpress, but to be honest I really like the way Blogger works.

Not very good the last few days though. Perhaps I can forgive them if they promise not to do it again