Year 10 Revision and trying to help my teenage son.

Having been quite frustrated with my 15 year old son for a while I have taken the bull by the horns.

To give you some background I have to tell you that my son is absolutely wonderful! He is good and kind. He is loving and a real home body who would rather be with us than out and about with his mates in town. He reminds me of myself in so many ways ... we are very similar ... content with our own company, but happy with our friends too.

Recently he has shown signs of teenagerdom and can answer back with the best of them. But he always thinks about his behaviour and although we might have a row he will always apologise  without prompting. All in all we are very lucky to have him!!

However ... his school work has started to be of a concern recently.He has started to show cracks in his otherwise A Grade school career. We have tried to get him to revise for upcoming exams, but he has not done nearly as much as he should have done. He seemed really rather lost and without focus.

I was beginning to really worry. After all, whatever his potential I want him to achieve it, to the the best he can.

Yesterday I had a moment of clarity, of realisation. I realised that he is afraid. He is afraid to fail, awed by the vastness of what lies before him and this fear has made him think 2 things :

a) I just don't know where to start, how to begin, because there is so much to do.

b) If I try hard and fail I will be a real failure, but if I don't try ... and fail, people will say " Oh well, he didn't try. If he had tried he would have been brilliant"

I know because that's how I have thought in the past.

So today I got up early and took his planner so I could see what lessons he had when. Then I worked out a revision timetable, a study timetable with a file for notes on what he does each day and an exercise book that I can guide him as to what to do .... things like

• What did you cover in your lesson today ... summarise briefly.
• Any problems?
• Key words, formulae?
• Go to school website and follow instructions for past paper, game, article etc

Each task had a box to tick and there were not too many tasks. At the end of each subject he could look and see that he had ticked all the boxes and actually achieved a block of work.

I also bought chocolate as an incentive and wrote at the start of his book ...

 Every journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step ...

To my joy and amazement he sat at the kitchen table and studied. He took breaks between subjects, but seemed genuinely pleased and relieved that I had done this for him. It will take up some of my time, but I hope that he will start to understand how to do it for himself and gain a real sense of achievement.

I hope I have done the right thing. I just want to support him and help him to do the best he can. He is such a lovely boy.

The allotment latest.

I went down to the allotment today and put more gravel down on my pathways. I also planted some herbs ( sage and thyme ) in what will be my permanent herb bed. Then I planted a few more Charlotte potatoes in one of the big beds.

Everything is in the quiet stage, just before the whole place starts bursting with growth and greenness. I sat on my bench and surveyed my grand estate with much satisfaction!!

I have planted runner beans which await germination on my window sill and there are carrots in my big blue tub. Not long now and the allotment will be thriving with greenery. Fab!

The lid to the laundry basket does come off you know ...

Its the Easter Holidays and my boys are BORED!!! The only things they are interested in doing are sitting slumped in their dressing gowns playing the x box ( I hate you x box inventor!!!) or avoiding helping me with the household chores.

Getting them to empty half the dishwasher each is akin to forcing them to gouge their own eyes out with spoons ... or wash. However I do persevere in an attempt to teach them that this house is all our responsibility and they need to partake of various duties. I am not sure whether it is perhaps a genetic deficiency but neither they nor their father seem to have realised as yet that the lid of the laundry basket does actually come off. I am met constantly by piles of their clothes dumped unceremoniously on top of the lid, on the floor by the basket ... anywhere other than in the damned thing.

Being the only girl in a male dominated house can be frustrating to say the least some days. Don't get me wrong - I love sport and can enjoy a game of football or a round of golf with the best of those hairy types, but sometimes it gets a bit much. For example this afternoon ... We have decided to go to the pictures. All we need to do is decide on a film. An easy task? NO!!

I would like to go and see the Marigold Hotel ideally. Pirates is a possibility. But the film of choice which we will end up seeing is ... Wrath of the Titans. Oh deep joy. 99 minutes of testosterone fuelled machismo. I did look to see if there was a film being showed at the same time as this ghastly one that might keep me sane. But nope. Nothing. Nada.

I seem to spend my whole time immersed in the world of men. There is little pink or glitter involved and at the moment I am alternating between chief cook, bottle washer and psychiatrist. Of course I love all 3 of my boys and maybe day long dance competitions, preceded by gluing on thousands of diamante beads, would drive me just as mad. But I do seem to watch rather more than my fair share of Top Gear, Match of the Day and The Simpsons ...

This is why I escape to the gym, the allotment ... and why I have started having hour long manicures. Anyway ... enough writing for now. I have to go and iron my husband's shirt ...

Why I am not blogging.

I seem to be blogging less and less. When I first started, nobody I knew had any idea that I wrote a blog, but as the years have gone on more and more of my friends, family and work colleagues have discovered my llittle secret. In a way this is nice, but in other ways its kind of limiting. I don't feel I can totally rant about certain things in case I hurt someone's feelings ... Of course there aren't that many times when I would rant as I am far too nice a person to be angry and manic ( yeah, right... ) but these days I do find myself thinking twice before I commit finger to keyboard.

So where does that leave me? Blog posts about my allotment?

I don't think it would be so hard to write if all was rosy in my garden, but right now its not. And my blog has always been the place where I could let off steam, have a moan ... Now I don't want to write stuff that I will get into trouble for writing, or write stuff that will reveal too much ... And yet, at the moment, my life is focussed on a couple of things that I can't get out of my mind. Writing about my potatoes or the latest delivery of manure feels somewhat trivial when compared to what is actually concerning me. The price of fame I suppose!! And its my own fault as I was the one who decided to post the odd blog link on Facebook, or tell people about my scribblings ...

So what's a girl to do? Maybe I should just pour my soul out on here? In the past when I did just that I received comments thanking me for writing about problems we all have. People told me it was good to see that they were not alone in feeling a certain way as I clearly felt that way too.

At the moment I don't feel totally happy with my life. For various reasons. Luckily these things will pass, but as I wait for them to go away, get better, I feel as though I am wading through treacle. I have a lot of support from some good friends and family, but fundamentally I am alone. We all are aren't we really? After all the talking, all the hugs, we are alone in making decisions, coping with emotions and problems. Right now I feel pretty strong. There is a deep down strength which I have not always had and for which, right now, I am very grateful. But its not comfortable feeling this way - waiting for life to be ok again.

I am very fortunate in so many many ways, but I don't like this feeling of uncertainty, of worry. I just have to keep my head down, keep plodding onwards and wait for the sun to come out again.

Give a little love ...

Today I came across a quotation from Maya Angelou. It struck a chord with me and made me think about life as it is at the moment ...


“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”   Maya Angelou


I saw Ruby Wax being interviewed on tv about her new website Black Dog Tribe and her words took me back to the time when I was suffering from Post Natal Depression. The Black Dog Tribe website is designed to be a place where people suffering from depression can meet on-line, talk, find help. Ruby is raising awareness of the issue of depression - trying to lift the veil of shame.


I remember the day I finally sought help for my depression and I will never forget my doctor and the way she made me feel. She was so incredibly understanding and somehow had just the right words. She told me that this was the first day of the rest of my life and that far from being the failure I believed myself to be, I was brave - I had shown the courage to seek help and take the first steps towards recovery.


Her kindness and care have left a lasting impression on me. I try to live my life doing the same for other people. I am not a religious person and I do not believe in a god, but I do believe that the least we can do with our lives is to make other people feel good, feel safe and feel loved.


When I was in the depths of misery, drowning in the darkness of depression and overwhelmed with a sense of failure and shame, my husband enveloped me in love. He gently took over, washing, cleaning, cooking ... and never once made me feel guilty. He made me feel so loved. Whatever else happens in our lives I will always remember that love.


I want to be remembered and regarded as the person who gave love and care too. I try very hard to make people feel comfortable and respected when I am with them. I want to be the person who always had a smile, a friendly word, a caring touch. If I could make a difference to someone's life in the way my doctor or my husband made a difference to me it would make everything worthwhile.


The funny thing is that by giving in that way you actually get so much from other people. 


When I was really down I can remember wondering why I bothered. I could see no point in my life, no future. And now I count myself so fortunate that even when times are difficult for various reasons I can see the point of my life totally. Its in the smile from a friend, the hug from a child. Its in the simple joy created by kindness and care.


Maya Angelou got it right when she said that people will remember the way you make them feel. It doesn't take much, but it does take a little bit of thought, a little bit of selflessness. Its about trying to make someone else feel good and about putting yourself second sometimes. It doesn't mean you have to be a doormat or a walkover, but the feeling you get from making someone else feel good about themselves is worth millions.


Just a thought ...

Secret Street Dancer ...

Tonight I am street dancing. When I say street dancing please don't imagine that I have suddenly become cool and athletic with a penchant for spinning on my head ... In fact I shall be appearing infront of an audience of shrieking children and their parents - the object, I would imagine, of great hilarity and ridicule.

Yes ... the time has arrived for the annual staff dance. We have been practising for our cameo appearance in the local amateur dramatic society's production of The Wizard of Oz for ... well, I would say a total of probably 40 minutes now. That's 40 minutes dedicated practise.

I shall be wearing a white hoody, white baseball cap and white 3/4 length trousers in an attempt to look ... well, as much like a street dancer as is possible for a middle aged mum of two to look ... 

Perfection is not expected. We are the token idiots ... 

And I love it!!!

Blogger Love.

I have been blogging now for about 5 years and over that time I have built up a steady and loyal readership of which I am very proud. Each time I see another person has clicked to follow my blog my heart takes a little leap!

One of the reasons I started to write was as a way of releasing my emotions. I've always done this - when I was at university many years ago I wrote depressing poetry in reams!!! The difference now though is that whereas when I was at university, alone in my little concrete room, nobody read what I wrote, nowadays not only do people read it, they reply.

My last post was a cry from the heart, a release of my angst over the trials of motherhood, and from out there in the ether you came to help me. I was and am so touched by the care and friendship shown by people I have never met. This world of blogging gives us all a link and as we write about our everyday experiences, whether they be good, bad, joyful or sorrowful, it helps us to understand each other. Whether we live in the Home Counties of leafy England or half way across the world there is an understanding that fundamentally we are all pretty similar. We all have good days and bad. We all benefit from a hand that reaches out in tenderness.

Your comments made me feel good about myself. Your comments made me brush myself down, pick myself up, take a deep breath and carry on being a mum. I cannot thank you all enough.