Open University Graduation at Ely Cathedral.

I can't believe its over. I have waited so long to graduate, finishing my degree last year, booking up Ely cathedral for my graduation ceremony and looking on my calendar as the day grew ever closer ...  And now its gone!!

It was such a wonderful day. The Open University organised everything so well. There was not a moment when I didn't know what to do or where to go and the volunteers in Ely were friendly, enthusiastic and reassuring.

My husband dropped me at the cathedral where the tents of a small fete nestled on the grass in the shadow of the huge old building. I made my way to the first of two marquees and registered, then went through to the robing area.

It was there that the enormity of the day hit me. A lady handed me my academic gown and hood,pointing me towards a gentleman who was there to help me dress correctly. As he placed the gown around my shoulders I felt the tears began to fall. I couldn't speak and I couldn't see. As he attached the blue hood he smiled "I hope those are happy tears ..."

"I'm so sorry" I managed to sob "Its just been such a long time coming ..."

He was so lovely, making me smile with his understanding words and suggesting I now do my Masters ... "You have got to be kidding!!". I stepped out into the cathedral grounds and found a quiet corner where I turned my back on the thronging crowds of graduates and let myself have a quiet weep.

 And then I phoned my husband, who obviously told me I was a complete wuss and laughed at me! Fair enough I thought! So those were my final tears. From that moment I decided to enjoy every second. I had almost forgotten to have my official photo taken - so busy was I with the whole crying thing!!

For my official photo I wore my mortar board and I assume those photos will turn up soon. When they do I shall post them! Fortunately I wore waterproof mascara so I am hoping I don't look too tear stained! The photographer made me laugh so I think I probably look happy.

I met up with my husband and boys and headed off for refreshments.The Open University had organised sandwiches, water, crisps and fruit at the Hayward Theatre. You could also buy champagne and strawberries so my man and I had champers and my boys had strawberries and cream. Yum!

In the cathedral I found my seat, just behind the people who had gained Masters. My family took their seats a little further down the aisle. It was just lovely to see so many people - all ages, dressed in their academic gowns, gathered together, excitedly awaiting their big moment. Some had taken 3 years, some 6, some 20, but all had juggled home, work, family to achieve their qualification and now the moment had come when they could have their work publicly acknowledged.

I sat next to a very nice lady who also had teenage boys with her and we giggled about the trauma of teenage children. We gasped in amazement when a man was presented with his PhD for a work on something so complicated we couldn't even understand the title of his thesis, never mind what was in it and decided he must have a brain the size of a planet!! We felt really quite thick at that point!

Then came our turn. We were ushered up to the stage while Alumni helpers sorted out our gowns and gently moved us into position. Lord David Puttnam, the Chancellor of the Open University stood on the stage, beaming with happiness and as my name was called I stepped up and walked across to him to shake hands. I was determined to take my time, look him in the eye and smile, and that was what I did!!

My lovely new shoes were like comfy slippers and although I don't often wear heels I strode across that stage with confidence. I smiled and smiled and smiled and as I shook Lord Puttnam's hand and he looked me in the eye I thought "Yes. This is it. At last!" I nearly wobbled then, but took a deep breath and smiled again. As I walked down the side of the church back to my seat I went past my family and I don't think I have ever seen them look as happy or excited. I did a quick jig and waved my arms in the air and then off I went.

Every single person who went on that stage was met with thunderous applause, some cheers and a massive smile. Lord Puttnam was fantastic and the whole ceremony was something I will never forget. The cathedral is a stunningly beautiful place - definitely worth waiting for.

We left the cathedral, walking into bright sunshine. Typically most of the photos are on my husband's camera so I haven't been able to upload them yet, but I will.

I am so grateful that I have been able to do this. I would not have done it if my sister in law had not pointed me in the right direction.I have had support from friends both online and in the real world. And I could not have done it if I hadn't had the love and support of my lovely, lovely husband. He has put up with my doubts and fears and he has encouraged me every inch of my journey. He has given me time and space and hasn't taken me too seriously when I have had melt downs!! I am a very lucky woman.

I am so excited I could burst ... thanks Open University x

I am trying to contain my excitement. No, really. I have been waiting 30 years for this Saturday coming and when I think too much about it I get a lump in my throat...

I have even spent money on a new pair of shoes ... money that could probably have paid off the national debt of a small African nation. But, as I said, its been 30 years in coming.

This Saturday I am going to graduate. I am going to become Secret Housewife BA (Hons) 1st Class. When I started my journey 30 years ago, going to Leicester University to study History of Art and Italian I really never expected that it would take so long to achieve my goal. I assumed that it would be three years of enthralling study in lofty garrets, talking about Vasari and Dante and reading poetry by candlelight.

It didn't end up like that. I spent most of my time at Leicester in a room that resembled a cross between a cell and a section of a multi storey car park. I developed a cheese and tomato twinnie habit and for those of you who don't know what this is - its a massive baguette style sandwich that is absolutely delicious, but wicked on the waistline. Most of my friends were medical students who spent all their time studying anatomy, and not in a fun way.

I was left alone in my room chomping on twinnies and the occasional take away curry, avoiding lectures full of History of Art students in twin sets and pearls who delighted in telling me I was not PLU ( People Like Us) This meant that I had not been to private school and my parents did not own half of Hampshire. The loneliness and boredom crowded in on me like two vicious bullies and I wrote reams of miserable poetry. Just thank your lucky stars there was no such thing as the internet back then or you would have been subjected to my volumes of self pitying despair. No doubt my Twitter feed would have been plagued with 140 character long suicidal verses.

Needless to say that although I was academically successful, mentally I was a mess and during the summer holidays before the third year, where I was due to spend 3 months in Rome (oh, the hardship!), I dropped out.

My tutor, whose name I forget, did not even bother to reply to the letter I sent telling the History of Art department that I was desperately unhappy and would not be coming back. Thanks love.

To be honest it was a move I never regretted. My life turned a corner and I started work in casinos, met my husband, traveled the world and generally led a darned happy life.

But always, in the back of my mind was my failure. I had always been the bright one, the one who might have gone to Cambridge or Oxford ( and not just for the delightful shopping and punting facilities). But I had ended up with only A Levels and a non-professional career. As I hit 40 regret did start to raise its ugly head. There was a sense of "What could I have been...?"

But now I know. My beautiful, kind and clever sister in law told me about the Open University. She told me I could transfer the points I had gained all those years ago and finish my degree. So I did. I have.

On the tab at the top of this post there is a page which links to everything I wrote during the 3 years it took me to complete my degree. It takes you from when I was just considering it, through the hard times, the self doubt and the times when I nearly burst with pride. Like Saturday. Saturday I may well burst with pride and I will definitely be wearing my waterproof mascara. I will write about my day and post photos of me and my lovely family. As I write this I feel a bit tearful, which is frankly ridiculous and could be linked to a distinct lack of chocolate in the house, but I just wanted to let you know. And show you my shoes.

Open University Degree - Done.

I have officially finished my Open University course. All I have to do now is wait until July or August to find out what class of Degree I have managed to get. I can't quite believe I've finished!!! I sat in the sunshine this afternoon reading The Hunger Games, with no intention of writing an essay or analysing the themes within and felt positively odd! It's been three years since I started the course and in all that time there has always been something hanging over my head ... the next essay, the next set of books to read ...

Now its over and I can relax. I know I have definitely passed, its just a case of finding out how well I have done. The course work on this last module - Children's Literature EA300 - has been very enjoyable and I have gained an average mark of just over 90%. I feel a bit embarrassed to put that out there and maybe I shouldn't ... but actually I am proud of achieving such a good score. I didn't even know such grades were possible!! In some ways I am wondering if I will be found out and my average is just a mistake!!

I have a page just above on the tabs at the top of my blog which is all about the OU and my progress. There is a link to all my posts, in reverse order, from the beginning when I was afraid doing this course would be impossible, to now when I have finished. You can read about the ups and downs, the highs and lows ...

And today I have had my blog featured in the Open University student online magazine as Blog of the Month. How cool is that??? I am so chuffed and I really hope that people enjoy reading my blog posts!! I hadn't been on here for a few days and when I looked at my stats they had gone through the roof, so the link must be working!!!

Anyway, if you are reading this because you are an OU student, then welcome. I hope you like my writing. And you might find my OU posts interesting because actually, although this year has been great, my Open University career has been far from easy. I have opened each pack of shiny new materials with trepidation mixed with excitement and I can honestly say that I have viewed the essay titles with emotion verging on terror!! I have always wondered how on earth I will ever write anything as I have rarely understood a word of the titles!!

Thank goodness for some marvellous tutors and a very understanding husband!! I can't quite believe I will never write another essay ... Now all I need is a fab job!!!

Last essay of EA300 on the way, Degree nearly done ... who would have thought?!

Its a beautiful sunny day here, with the breeze blowing my washing on the line in my garden. I can see my neighbours celebrating a birthday with balloons and bunting glinting in the sunshine and the clouds are scudding through the heavens on an endless journey across the English countryside.

I am sitting at my kitchen table, working on the last essay of my Open University course. At least I was before I had this little break! Its due in a week on Thursday - the 24th May. I am so near and yet so far from achieving my goal of graduation.

I have been studying with the Open University for 3 years now and should be heading for a 2:1 Honours Degree if this last piece of work goes well. I started studying as one of those 'bucket list' things that I wanted to tick off before I grew too old and grey. There have been times when it seemed like an impossible task and each new year has found me looking at the fresh list of essay titles with fear and incredulity. Still, I have learnt so much along the way and this year my average score is 90%. I am proud to have achieved that.

When I dropped out of my original Degree course 27 years ago I thought that gaining a Degree would be something I could never do. I felt that I had failed to achieve my potential and yet dropping out was somehow meant to be. If I had not dropped out I would never have met my husband, had our children, worked in casinos, travelled around the world ... Back then I had the academic ability, but not the strength of character to continue.

I remember writing miserable poetry, alone in my room at Leicester University. I have never felt so lonely. I was due to travel to Rome for my last year of the course, to write a dissertation on 15th Century mosaics. I had dreamt of speaking fluent Italian, sitting in cafes discussing the world of art and literature. As it turned out I never made it to Italy. I couldn't face it. Now I look back and wonder what my tutor, whose name I can't remember, was doing when she didn't even reply to my letter saying that I couldn't continue and was leaving the course. Now I think with amazement of the lack of support given to a lonely, miserable girl who spent so much of her time in tears...

But to be honest, I don't spend more than a couple of seconds thinking that way. I am so grateful that I have come this far and shown the determination to keep going when things have been tough. I am glad that I have proved to myself that I am intelligent, I am determined.

Three years ago the journey to gaining my Degree seemed a long and impossible one. Today it is less than 2 weeks away. I am struggling with this essay, but I know that I will get it written and it will be in on time. I am so looking forward to the weeks after I have handed it in when I will know that I have achieved my goal and that I will never have that weight of work hanging over my head again! I am never going to write another essay!!!

This summer holiday I will not spend my time reading and taking copious notes. I plan to read books for pleasure, with no notes at all!!!

I am so grateful to my husband and boys for their unerring support in all this. I have, on occasion, not been an easy person with which to live! And I am forever grateful to my lovely sister-in-law who made me realise that I could do this, who encouraged me and who is just wonderful!

One day soon, in the next year, I know that I will attend my Graduation Ceremony, wear my gown and receive my Degree. I shall post photos of it when it happens and it will be one of the proudest moments of my life.

*Reminder to self - buy water proof mascara.

Children's Literature ... essay number 2 - done!!

I have been waiting for the results of my latest essay to come back. I am studying Children's Literature with the Open University and this is essay was about the models of boyhood in Little Women and Treasure Island. I hadn't thought my essay was particularly good as I found the subject matter a bit dull, although I felt I had done better with my referencing this time.

At my tutorial I was told that all was well, but I still didn't quite believe it, so you can imagine when I saw the email in my in box telling me I could collect my result, I was a bit nervous. There is nothing quite like the emotion of both sending off a piece of work to be marked and then collecting it and seeing one's score.

Each time my fingers hover over the send key I feel sick. Each time I click to collect I feel sicker!! Its an odd feeling, to have sweated over a piece of writing, reading and re-reading, trying to link ideas and incorporate supporting evidence, and then sending it off to be marked and judged. By the time I send it I can hardly see the wood for the trees and often have a distorted view of how good or bad it actually is...

My first essay came back with the best mark I've ever received. I have just picked up my second essay and received an even better mark. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am!!! This part of my degree course is to gain the Honours part of my degree and I have to say I am really enjoying it. There is no exam at the end, but a longer essay and the set books are marvellous.

I am learning so much and my tutor this year is fantastic - so helpful and understanding. Now that I have this essay back I feel I can fully concentrate on the next - motherhood as presented in Peter Pan and 2 poems of my choice. I am looking forward to getting my teeth into this one and feel quite excited that I am doing well this year.

For this evening though I am going to sit back on my laurels, open a bottle of wine and toast a successful result!! Who would have thought 3 years ago ... ??!

EA300 - Children's Literature - first tutorial on Saturday.

This Saturday I will be attending the first tutorial of my new course. I am studying EA300 with the Open University and this course will be my final one before I can finally pick up my degree. EA300 is the study of Children's Literature.

As is usual with these things I am filled with a mixture of excitement and nerves. Will the course be interesting? Will my tutor be helpful? Will I cope with the essays?

I think, having braved the horrors of AA316 which was the study of Nineteenth Century literature, that I can cope with anything!! So far the reading seems pretty reasonable and nowhere near as intense as last year. I am ahead of the game at the moment, having read all the set books and a lot of the course texts too.

Still, its not over until the fat lady sings so I won't be getting too cocky just yet! The books we are studying are:

• Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone.
• The Tale of Peter Rabbit.
• Junk.
• Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry.
• The other Side of Truth
• Little Women
• Swallows and Amazons
• 100 Best Children's Poems.
• Voices in the Park.
• Coram Boy.
• Treasure Island.
• Tom's Midnight Garden.

Some fabulous books there as far as I'm concerned - some of which I had never heard of, but all of which I have loved reading. I especially love Little Women, Swallows and Amazons and Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, but I would definitely recommend them all if you've not read them already.

I will let you know how the tutorial goes!

Fat bird returns from rainy France with a 2:1 - hurrah!!

Well, I'm back. We have just spent two weeks in France, first at my cousin's house near Bordeaux and then near Sarlat in the Dordogne. Both these places are very beautiful, but please, if I ever mention to you that we are planning on driving down there for a two week summer holiday will you please just shoot me? Failing that maybe you could just remind me gently that 15 hours driving is really not a pleasant way to spend the first and last days of your hols ...

We succeeded in ending any drought that France may have been suffering, with our usual nack for bringing grey, dull, rainy weather with us. Luckily I had presence of mind enough to bring nice warm woolly socks with me and my cousin had a fantastic, deep bath with never ending hot water and a supply of bubble bath and wine. There is nothing quite like ending the day with a large glass of Pouilly Fume and a steaming bath that gently turns your skin from blue to lobster red.

The poor weather also meant that I have over indulged not only in the wine stakes, but also in any other type of food based greed. My tummy literally runneth over my jeans because of my complete lack of self control. You name it ... steak, frites, mousse de canard, creme brulee, baguettes, camembert ... the list goes on and on. I can now no longer turn my head without my double chins reverberating for at least two minutes and my backside has started to resemble that of an aged sow.

Still, the good news is that despite the after effects of all this gluttony I did enjoy myself. I also managed to read through 6 of my set books and JOY OF JOYS ... I passed my exam for the Open University!.I have been offered my degree having gained a 2:1, but I intend to keep studying for a year so that I can get my Honours.

So ... I may be fatter than I was, but I am also proven to be brainy beyond my wildest dreams!! Every cloud has a silver lining, as they say, and my French clouds have certainly proved to be lined with silver!

Exam misery, madness and mayhem!! What a lot of lovely alliteration!

Well... you know I wrote that I had done my exam and I was off to drink cider, tend my allotment and generally forget about the whole of my course - letting the knowledge trickle out gently? It seems that I am probably alone apart from one other lady! The AA316 forums are heaving with dissatisfied AA316 customers - seething at the injustice of yesterday's exam!

I couldn't quite believe my eyes as it unfolded before me. There are a lot of upset people out there. I did tentatively write that I enjoyed it, but the other lady went into slightly more detail and ended up in a massive debate. I typed a few replies to some of the points, but decided to delete them as passions seemed to be running high...

Eventually the lady asked whether there was anyone else out there who did not find the exam too awful and I had to answer. Poor girl, I thought. You are not alone, I wrote!

Its a sensitive subject to get involved with and when people are upset already the last thing they need is some smarta*** coming on to say that they loved the exam. I didn't want anyone to think I was belittling their efforts, but I also felt sorry for this woman who was being battered for saying what she thought. Anyway... we shall see if I have offended anyone! I hope not. I tried to explain that, as my family and friends realise, my enjoyment of exams does verge on the weird!!

But, seriously, what is the point of going on and on about how unfair an exam was, or how badly you did, or even just going over what you wrote? There is nothing you can do about it and all anyone can do is wait and see. I suppose that it is very upsetting to have worked hard and to be afraid that you have done badly after a year of study. And, of course, this exam was worth 50% of the course mark...

Let's hope that everyone did better than they fear and as well as they hope.... and now I promise not to mention the exam again. ITS OVER!!!

Another year, another exam ... done! Goodbye AA316!!!

I am just about to pour myself a lovely long, cold glass of cider. I have not been partaking of any such nonsense recently because I had my Final exam today for my Open University course - AA316.

I have been snuggled away revising Nineteenth Century novels, critics and more critics from the 20th century. So today was the big day. I had to do a 3 hour exam - 2 analytical questions, one on a passage from a novel and another from a critical essay passage. Then there were 2 essay questions to write, an hour each.

As I confessed last year when I did my exam for A210, I actually quite enjoy exams. Luckily I have a good memory for facts and figures and can think on my feet when it comes to quirky exam questions. Today I got lucky and everything went to plan. Well... at least I hope it did! I could be writing this in blissful ignorance of a paper failed!!

There are always those people afterwards though who want to deconstruct the paper, chat about where and how they went wrong. I tend to make a hasty retreat so I don't have to talk to anyone. My philosophy is 'What will be will be.' There is no point going into details as you leave the exam - what on earth can you do to change anything?

I did get stopped by a couple of people who asked what I thought of it and I remained neutral, but they seemed quite upset which is a shame. I would hate to have worked so hard and yet be faced with a paper that I couldn't do. I hope they are ok...

For me though the war is over for this year - well, until October anyway. I can while away the hours at my allotment!! I will get my results in August and they will offer me my degree. I can't quite believe it!! I am not going to take it yet though as I want to add on the Honours bit.

From October I will be studying Children's Literature which sounds lovely. The reading list includes some real classics like - Little Women, Harry Potter, Treasure Island and The Tale of Peter Rabbit!! Can't wait!!

A good use for A210 or AA316 course cds.

I have discovered an excellent use for my Open University course cd's. They are now hanging from my runner bean poles and cloches in order to scare away any thieving birds that might take a fancy to my lettuce, French beans or cucumbers.

As I tied them up with green gardening twine a smile played across my lips. I wonder what the stuffy course guests who appear on said cds would say if they knew they were relegated to an allotment in Hertfordshire, swinging in the breeze??

All the pretentious twaddle they spouted and now they are flashes of sunlight reflecting on my marigolds, clicks of plastic on bamboo as they tap against my canes...

AA316 revision ... now that's a post title that smacks of fun and interest!!

When I have written this I am going to revise. I have an exam in 2 weeks and really ought to be revising now instead of trolling around Facebook, Twitter and various other websites. I seem to have a built in timing system. Without actually working out how much time I need to complete something I just seem to know when to start.

Its as if my inner clock is working everything out in my subconscious and then, when the time is right, I begin. It was like that with my long essay and it worked out well.With my A levels , years ago, it worked out ok too. So I am hoping this exam will be ok too.

Having attended an Exam Revision Day School last week I now know what I need to revise and I spent a few hours downloading info. All I need to do now is force myself to sit and learn it!! 

Being a mature student and fitting everything in...

I was over at Student Mum's blog and she had posted a link to an interesting site. It certainly interested me as a mature student/ full time mum/part time worker. The thing is that when you sign up to be a mature student you sign up for a lot of hard work.

When I was 19 and started at University the first time round there were several mature students on my course. The thing that really impressed me about them was their dedication. They truly loved the course and were totally committed to their study. They had given up their day jobs to study full time and had a lot on the line.

Now I find myself in a similar position to those mature students of 25 years ago, only I (along with hundreds of other Open University students) am having to both study and run my normal life at the same time. One of the essential skills I have learnt during the last couple of years is that you need to be organised to do this. Its not enough to be passionate - you have to get yourself sorted.

We all have different ways of organising our study, but for me I have to plan ahead. Last summer as soon as I had finished my last course, in fact the day after my last exam, I started on my reading for this course. I ordered my books and made sure that I both read and made notes on the books every day. Even when I went on holiday I was up and by the pool in the shade by 7.45 each morning. I know that sounds obsessive, but I knew that if I was going to get through Middlemarch, Dombey and Son and the other 10 novels on the list - never mind the thick book of critical essays - then this was a necessary evil.

I follow the course diary and, to be honest, I cherry pick. I look through the course and decide what is essential and what is not. You just have to face sometimes that you cannot study everything on your course. You have to think about what is important and what will get you the best understanding of the subject in the time you have.

As often as I can I get up an hour early, before my children are awake, to read.

Often all my plans go to pot. There are times when I have planned to read something, write something and I have a window of an hour or two in which to do it. But my boys and their needs get in the way. Yes, I know that sounds awful, but its the truth.The times I have had to abandon my plans in order to sit with my son and do his maths homework with him ... or help with trumpet practise.

Most of the time I keep my books open on the kitchen table so I can have a quick look while the water is boiling for pasta.Keeping everything out saves time and its amazing what you can take in in small bites!!

I have finished my last essay of this module now. I planned the writing of it over 2 weeks and then gave myself a target of 500 words a day for just over a week. The amount of words fitted with my lifestyle and made the 4000 word limit reachable without too much grief.

Now all I have to do is sort out my revision for the end of module exam in a month's time. The thing is that all over the country... all over the world there are people from all walks of life attempting to study. They are holding down full time jobs, part time jobs, looking after children, struggling with illness... you name it people are working through all sorts of obstacles to achieve their dreams.

25 years ago I didn't realise how lucky I was to be able to be at university and have no distractions( other than boys and drink) to my studies. Now I understand the commitment it takes to study something and succeed.

If you think you fancy learning something new, achieving a life goal, then you should go for it. I am so close to getting to the end of this and the sense of satisfaction will be amazing. In August I will have finished my degree, but I have another module to do next year to gain my Honours. I am thinking of starting next year's books before this year's exam this time!!

jack of all trades and master of none.

Well thank goodness for that. Essay number 5 has been written and sent off. I had to write about the relationship between work and identity in Madame Bovary and The Woman in White. Good grief. After 200 words of a 2000 word essay I had just about said what I had to say. I even had to ask my tutor for an extension and was granted an extra week in which to complete it.

I have crawled my way to the 2000 word target. I have fought all the way in a mire of boredom and disinterest. But I got there. I sent the darn thing off today - 2025 words of drivel. I just wish I could be inspired. I feel that I am working completely alone. You could as well have just sent me the text books and told me to get on with it.

Whereas last year I would look forward to my tutorials and come away inspired this year I sit through them trying not to slash my wrists. We learn nothing of interest or relevance. I question myself really. Obviously my tutor is very learned with a wealth of knowledge - so it must be me. I wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew. I enjoy reading the novels and I understand what the critics are saying, but good grief... It is so dull, with so little relevance to my life.

I have lost all confidence and sit wondering about position of commas rather than depth of content. I could understand my tutor's interest in punctuation if I was a bad writer, but I am not ignorant. I do know when to insert a comma, but my tutor's preoccupation with it rather than in what I am writing has thrown me off track. It is all so frustrating. I have resigned myself to getting a poor mark for this course.

I wonder if I will end up getting a degree which is not really worth having - yet another mediocre attempt by me to succeed at something. Another reminder that I am a jack of all trades and master of none. Maybe I will get a reasonable mark for this essay, but I doubt it. Please forgive my pessimism. I would just like to actually be good at something for once.

And I am studying AA316 ... why??? Time for a wobbly moan.

I started essay number 4 of my course today. For those of you who don't know I am studying a level 3 Open University course - The Nineteenth Century Novel. Last year I managed to get a Grade 2 pass in Approaching Literature in my goal to gain an Honours Degree in Humanities with Literature.

This afternoon saw me reach an all time low in my confidence levels. Although the title of the essay is quite a promising one - looking at how the critical essays in the course book can help us understand the relationships between men and women in Germinal and Far from the Madding Crowd - I am finding it very difficult to get into.

I think that my main problem is a lack of motivation/interest/enthusiasm, closely followed by a lack of belief in myself. I have been ill for a week and in spite of this I have tried to keep up with the work. I have read the books, read the essays and written notes on them. When it comes to getting this thing done by next Friday though I am stuck.

The stuff I have written so far is dross. I just don't have the knowledge levels to be able to write to this standard. Last year I did well. This year I am struggling. Working with the OU means an awful lot of studying alone. There is no discussion, little feedback. The tutorials are frustrating this year. The last one I went to I ended up making myself be quiet because I felt few of the other students were contributing. I ended up thinking 'Why should I give them all my ideas?' I was about the only one who appeared to have actually read the novels we were talking about.

I suppose I should think that in that case those students will be struggling more than I am... but it doesn't work that way.I am beginning to see this course as a 'get througher'. I just need to get through it and do the best I can. But at the moment that is a thankless task.

I am trying to hold down a job that is practically full time at the moment, organise a family, blah, blah,blah. I know - worse things happen at sea. There are people out there who would cut off their right arm to swap places with me. It doesn't really matter if I don't get a great degree. I don't 'need' it. But I want it. I want to be able to teach and right now everything is being thrown in my way to stop that goal.

I tell you what - I will make bloody sure my children don't give up a year off their degrees when they are at Uni. When I look back and think how close I was all those years ago, and yet I threw it all away... What a fool.

Thanks for listening to me moan. Let's hope my tutor replies to my email and I feel better after a good night's sleep.

My chest is gurgling like an old radiator...

I am lying on my sofa, bored out of my skull, off work for the third day with what is something very similar to if not actually the flu. I am reluctant to say I definitely have the flu, but I ache all over, have a temperature, keep coughing and sleeping. I have not been on my computer for 3 days either, so that really shows you how ill I have felt. I think and hope that I am rounding the corner to being better. I am usually a very fit and healthy person and this virus has just laid me low.

Thank goodness for friends is all I can say. My lovely friend has been taking and delivering home from school my son. I just have been unable to get out of the house. Getting downstairs to make his packed lunch has been a huge effort each morning, so the thought of getting in the car to take him to school was an impossibility. It has been a case of setting my alarm, making his lunch, ensuring he had eaten breakfast, seeing both boys off and then collapsing back into bed. I have been sleeping for huge amounts of time. Ridiculous.

I am becoming more worried as the time goes on, however.I have a 2000 word essay which is due in to my tutor by the end of next week. I am so behind on my reading for this course and goodness knows how I am going to be able to write this one.The course is awful.I know you are probably bored of hearing this, but its a case of just getting through this one. I just sat down to try and read some critical essays on Thomas Hardy, but I am finding it very difficult. I know that it will get done, by hook or by crook, but I wish I could find more enthusiasm.

I suppose I am just affected by this illness. As I get better I will regain energy, but right now I barely have energy to think.My chest is gurgling away like an old radiator. My mission for today after I have written this, is to have a shower, get dressed, and pull myself together. You will not get the best of me, you fiendish germs!!

The Art of the comma - my essay is back.

Well, I got my essay back - at last! And the result was fine. I moved up 2% on my last essay.It is quite frustrating though.I looked at the feedback from last time which said I needed to use slightly fewer quotations and this time, having followed the advice, she tells me I need to use slightly more! And the main feedback was an obsession with comma placement.Comma placement?? I ask you!! I am certainly not a slouch when it comes to grammar, but for goodness sake.... This is a level 3 essay and her main gripe is my placement of commas??!!

I am determined to get it right next time.I shall study her comments and do my best to learn from them. After all, she is a professor and I am a student. I have no doubt that she is absolutely right in what she says, but it is most frustrating to learn that your main failing is whether you put a comma in the middle of a reference, or not!

Now if she had complained about my over use of exclamation marks she might have had a point!!!!!

Anyway, I am glad to have it back and to have raised my score again. I am now half way through the course with only 3 more essays to write, one of which is a 4000 worder. I will not be sorry to see the back of this course. I am back in the mind set of 20 years ago when I was doing my B.A in History of Art. I was so turned off by the total pedantry and pretentiousness of the whole thing.

I absolutely love the novels I am studying, but the work of the critics which we also have to study is just mind numbingly dull.Do they have nothing better to do with their lives than nit pick over literature? I listen to the CDs which are part of the course and the critics taking part in discussions on there just make my bile rise. I find myself talking to the CD player, telling them to stop talking such pretentious drivel...

Ah well. One more year to go after this and then its done - I will have a B.A with Honours. I just need to get those bloody commas sorted...

p.s if you fancy asking anything about this post do feel free to use the video thingamejig on the right!! Thanks for dropping by x

Nearly at the end of the week.My thoughts...

I have nearly made it to the end of a busy week... a week punctuated by full moon influenced children, trips to the physio and general over eating. Oh, and by the nagging fact that my essay has not yet been returned to me.

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that we are all influenced by the moon. Call me crazy if you want to but I can tell by the behaviour of a) myself and b) the kids I work with that the moon is full.If you look around and there is tension in the air, unrest, frustrated grumpiness, then look into the sky and the odds are the moon will be full... its true, trust me.

My leg is still not fixed. I am very lucky to have been able to see the physio 3 times now for treatment to my calf muscle. I have torn some muscle fibres which are healing rapidly, but not quite rapidly enough. The physio has magic, if somewhat cruel fingers with which she massages my leg. Strange how something so bloody excruciating can be doing you good! Still, she swears she is doing me good and not just indulging in some sort of mean torture...

I realised the other day that I had forgotten I was supposed to be on a diet. A pathetic excuse for over eating, I know, but its true.I am waiting for a new battery for my weighing scales and then I will get on and weigh myself. After that the plan is to restart football and running. At least I will do that as soon as my physio says I can. When I mentioned football the other day she told me off. I am not allowed to play until she says I can. So there. Must stop eating...

And my essay? Still not back. How long does it take to mark these things? Last time it was 2 days, this time its a week and a half and no sign of the darn thing. I am checking my e-mail every 5 minutes to see if its back yet. Come on tutor lady!!! Get it back to me!!!

And last but not least... my VYou thingy. Have you seen it on the side there? I know... its a bit odd and the quality is not great, but I am still weighing it up. To keep or not to keep... Looking at the VYou web site I seem to be the oldest person on there by about 20 years - not that age matters to me. I just like the technology and the thought that I can interact.We shall see how it goes...

AA316 - TMA04 done and dusted. Thank goodness that's finished - only 3 more to do.

Tonight I am luxuriating in my lap top. I have finished my essay on George Eliot's Middlemarch and the works of various nineteenth century critics and can spend an evening kicking back, drinking wine and watching rubbish on tv.

This was the third essay that I have written on my OU course this year and was 2000 words. Those 2000 words had to be wrung out of me like blood from a stone.I remember looking at the title and thinking 'Bloody Hell! I don't even know where to start!!' I am finding the course somewhat joyless at the moment. I love the set novels, but, good grief, the study of the critics is dry stuff.

The thing I find quite supportive is the OU forum.It certainly makes me feel better to read that other people are finding it just as difficult as I am. Strangely there seem to be different rules for different tutorial groups as far as word limits go. Some have to stick exactly to the limit, others can vary the word count by up to 10%. When you're writing a 2000 or 4000 word essay that's a big difference.

The strange thing is that in the end my essay just seemed to appear on the page. I turned to one of my books and it fell open on a page full of exactly the right information for the bit I was writing.Its like being blindfolded and then pushed down a sticky helter skelter. There is no way of knowing where you are, but gravity pulls you inexorably down the slide. I had no idea where I was going, but I got there in the end.I have no idea what sort of mark I will get but thank goodness its done.

I just need to keep plodding on and I will get there in the end.

AA316 - I will be 104 before I qualify to do anything more than take notes.

I am in the inbetweeny position of having handed in my essay on Jane Eyre, having not started my next essay and having the 'calm before the storm' frame of mind that occurs when I haven't got my marked essay back. At this moment my next essay could be brilliant. My last essay might have been brilliant. Nobody yet knows and the ignorance is bliss.

Of course, underneath the calm exterior all hell is letting loose. I fully expect to receive an even worse mark for the essay I've just handed in than I did for the first one. Whereas last year I was pleasantly surprised and my marks got better and better, this year is proving increasingly difficult.

I am not being humbly modest here. I truly believe the essay I wrote to be a pile of old rubbish. Being in the OU means that one is working alone and this year I am finding it very difficult to keep motivated. I wrote my introduction and was quite pleased with it until I went back a couple of days later, reread it and realised that what I had written was drivel...

The real shame is that I love all the books on my course, but doing the course means that I cannot read them for pleasure. They have to be dissected, analysed, noted. I cannot remember the last time I read a book for pleasure, without having to take notes, read background and critical essays. Its a load of old tosh and I am not enjoying it.

Hopefully things will pick up, but my plans to finish the Degree, do Teacher Training and become a Primary school teacher seem distant and faintly ridiculous. I am not feeling sorry for myself - this is just a statement of fact. I will deal with it, get over it, do my best with the course and hopefully, one day, teach. I may, however, be 104 before that happens.

And now I need GCSEs .... my life is full of hurdles to jump and I'm only little.

I am writing this in the small space I have between study and getting tea ready. My chicken is in the oven, as are my roast potatoes, but soon will come the moment when I have to get busy with vegetables and gravy! So, off we go quickly now!

I am planning, as some of you know, to train to become a Primary School teacher.Once I have completed my Degree I will get myself on GTP ( that's a Graduate Teacher Programme ) This means I can train and get paid for it. Hurrah!! As an experienced Teaching Assistant I was hoping it would be pretty easy to get on a course ... well, when I say easy... these things are never easy and I know that they only take the best candidates. However, I thought with my experience and qualifications I would stand a better chance than many.

Now I discover that I need GCSE level maths and Science. Bugger.I have 'o' level maths at a grade D and Biology at a grade E I think. That is not good enough. I am going to check with the local university tomorrow, but I am pretty sure I will have to pay for 2 GCSE courses. For those of you who don't know this is the most basic level that kids take at age 16.

I am happy to do them if that's what it takes, but Holy Moly... they are going to cost me over £800. I understand that you have to be of a level to teach, but I am doing an Honours Degree in Literature and I am fully numerate in everything Primary School aged children require. I may not be hot hot hot on logarithms and quadrilateral equations, but really... Primary school aged children don't do that sort of maths!

I can work out the internal angles of any polygon... would that help??

Ah well, another frustration, but one that will eventually get resolved.How come they let practically illiterate people into schools to teach and yet its so hard for me?? Right... on with the chicken now... rant over.