Blogging conference nerves ...

I am sitting on my sofa with freshly painted toenails and a tummy that is rumbling for breakfast.Its also rumbling with nerves. I am heading off in about 3 hours to the BritMums blogging conference - BritMums Live 2012. I have a lovely hotel to stay in and I am sure that the conference will be great ... but ....

I am asking myself "What the Hell am I doing??" I know nobody there and to be honest my little blog is just that - my little blog. Its just my way of freeing myself of the stuff in my head. I read about bloggers who are sponsored, featured in magazines and newspapers, bloggers who seem to be totally confident, totally professional. And I seem to have fallen into this. I am so tempted not to go. The only reason I am going is because my husband has been so lovely in paying for my hotel.

I am worried about getting there. Worried about finding the hotel, finding the conference centre, getting back to the hotel ... What about food tonight?? I read about bloggers who are planning on going out together for meals, going for drinks ... Oh God. I reckon I will be back in my room with room service chips and crap tv.

On the outside I hope I appear calm and confident, but on the inside I am totally twitching, afraid that everyone will think me odd, boring ... Sorry about all this. You would think that by now I would have a tad more confidence.

This year has been a bit of a bugger so far and I feel so exhausted by life in general. I'm not going into details on here, but between work and family I just feel like curling up in a little ball some days. And I have put on loads of weight ... could as well get all my moans out in one go ... I am going to a very glam party on Monday and thought I would try on my possible outfits. The little black dress I wore to a similar party two summers ago will not zip up. There is a gap of probably 7 inches ... It turns out that all the eating, drinking and total lack of exercise has actually had an effect. I don't weigh myself but I have turned into an unfit, matronly blob. And I'm not saying that to get your sympathy. Its true.

So here I am. Feeling sorry for myself. Worried. Overweight. Come on woman!! I have to stop this. Just put on a smile, think about other people, get out there. I know I will pull myself up, its just that right now I feel a bit wobbly. I am sure there are other women going to BritMums Live who are feeling just as rubbish. Not everyone is actually as chirpy and confident as they sound on Twitter are they?

I will write again this evening from my hotel room and hopefully I will be full of enthusiasm. I just need to get my head round how lucky I am ... appearance is not important, its how you are on the inside ... just need to smile and think of making other people feel relaxed ...

Perhaps I will start by cleaning my teeth.

Dog Days ...

Do you have days like the one I'm having? Days where you can do nothing right in the eyes of your family and especially your children? I have just come downstairs from my 14 year old who tells me I am an evil woman. The reason for this? I told him to turn off his laptop and tidy his room ...

The tirade of anger that met this request was just exhausting. Apparently I don't understand him and my other son is my favourite. I should tidy his room and pick the piles of clean clothes, that I washed, folded and put in his room, from the floor where he has thrown them. Apparently he cannot remember the last time I emptied the dishwasher ... I would imagine he didn't notice because he was on his laptop at the time.

I feel that I am walking an unending tightrope at the moment. I am trying to keep everyone happy - my husband, my sons, my work colleague. I seem to be an invisible woman - up at 6.30, sorting laundry, tidying the kitchen, cycling to work, working in circumstances which are, to say the least, trying, cycling home, studying, cleaning, staying quiet so as not to wake my shift working husband, making tea ( to complaints most days) clearing up, doing homework with the boys, being a psychologist ... The list goes on.

I can feel, lurking in the depths of me, the tendrils of my depression trying to reach up and drag me down. I try to sleep well, exercise, be organised, write, to keep those tendrils at bay. I cannot let myself sink again into the blackness.

As a mum I give everything for my children. I love them so much, but my God, they nearly break me. Tonight as my son slammed his door in my face and told me all my failings I wanted to scream and rage. But I didn't. I remained calm and reasoned. I was the bigger person.

But I wish sometimes that I could just go. Go somewhere where I could not be a skivvy, not be everyone's metaphorical punchbag. I am sick of being expected to hold down a job, run a family, study and put up with everyone else's problems and worries. I have to do all this until I feel as though I am going to break and yet still give and give.

I don't know what to do about my son. I have removed all his electronic goods, much to his fury. I worry about him. He tells me that he is totally stressed, unhappy. He even said he had considered suicide. My God!! He has so much potential, but everything is starting to go wrong. He worries me and infuriates me. He sees no wrong in his behaviour, but is lazy, rude and aggressive verbally. He is also loving, funny, intelligent ...

I feel very alone at the moment. I have no confidence. There are not enough hours in the day and at the moment they mostly seem rather dark ...

Positivity ... not.

Right, now call me a hypocrite if you will and, to be honest, I probably am ... but having extolled the virtues of positivity like some sanctimonious ... well, positive person ... I now see that most of my 2012 posts have been moans. I plan to continue in this vein with the following post, so please accept my apologies.

Its like this ...

•  I've got the decorators coming in tomorrow and my house is a tip
• I'm on a course until the end of the week so I have no time to do anything
• I'm trying to organise a group skiing holiday which keeps going pear shaped
• I have 1500 more words of a 2000 word essay to be done by Wednesday night
• I have a thumping headache

Now obviously the first thing I would advise if I was reading this would be to ... 

GET OFF THE BLOODY COMPUTER AND DO SOME WORK!!!!!

However, I have been working, non-stop, since 7am and I am due a break.

Its one of those times when I just feel snowed under and this blog is a good way of putting all my worries down on paper so I can sort them out and do something about them. I have always done this - its one of the reasons I started my blog. Unfortunately for you it means that my readers have to put up with a bit of a frenzied moan and groan. As I say ... my apologies.

I am telling myself that this time next week it will all be sorted. The house will be sparkly and freshly painted, I will have a holiday to look forward to, my essay will be done ( by hook or by crook) and this headache will be a distant memory.

Its weird isn't it how things can just pile up and drive you nuts? Each thing by itself is ok, but together they weigh me down. Its kind of pathetic really - after all I'm hardly facing a torrid time. In fact now that I've written my worries down I am wondering whether I should just delete them as I sound like a complete idiot.

Well, I'm not going to delete them. I am a normal mum/woman with normal worries. I am not the only one sitting at my laptop tonight feeling a bit stressed and, let's face it, its better to blog than to drown my sorrows with a bottle of Merlot. Well ... maybe I might do a mini drown with a glass of the stuff rather than a bottle, but hey. Life sends you worries and part of life is getting through them in the best way you can.

If you have made it through to the end of my moan, well done and thank you!

Someone shut me up - pathetic woman alert!!!

You would think that by the age of 47, which is my age now, I would have learnt to be a tad more self confident and rather more able to keep my mouth shut in situations of stress... Sadly though it would appear that I am as incapable now as I was when aged 13 to keep my thoughts to myself.

I feel sorry for my friends and my husband who have to put up with my whining, self pitying drivel.The occasion that spurs me to whine some more, but this time on my blog rather than out loud, is a party I went to last night. I came away feeling ashamed of how I behaved.

Don't get me wrong ... I didn't drink and end up making a fool of myself ... I just acted in a way that a 47 year old ... shouldn't. I suppose its my innate lack of self confidence and self belief that causes it. And my inability to keep my mouth firmly closed. I arrived and spent the first 10 minutes moaning about how I hated parties like this because I never knew what to say ...  and about how the place was 'full of grown ups'.

I look back and think that perhaps somebody should have, at that point, pulled me outside and given me a slap. Nobody is interested in me rambling on about my inadequacies ( ironic that I am again writing about them, but hey, you can always click away can't you??!!) and I should just learn to bite the bullet and get on with it.

The younger people in our party were a prime example of lovely, well mannered guests who spent their time being interested in everyone else. I, on the other hand, was a walking, talking neurotic idiot. I think I just want people to say , 'But, Sarah, we all hang on your every word - you are thrillingly interesting and we love you...' Please excuse me while I vomit discreetly.

The party was lovely. The people were kind and friendly and just generally nice folks. I couldn't stay long as it was, but as I walked away to my car I just felt like a mug. Why oh why do I still feel like this at my age?? My husband is getting excited at the thought of us having a joint 50th birthday party and I am dreading it. The thought of being the centre of attention, of having to talk to people on a large scale, of worrying whether people are enjoying themselves ...

Good grief, but this is pathetic. Perhaps I am hormonal, but I am sick of feeling this way, sick of being so weak and wobbly. I am not shy - I am confident in lots of ways, but I hate parties. I hate feeling that people are only talking to me because they have to for my allocated 5 minutes, and then they will move on, relieved, to someone more interesting. I hate the fact that last night I let myself down by being so needy. I am a very honest person - I cannot lie to save my life, but there are times when you just need to keep your mouth shut. Nobody is interested in how uncomfortable I feel at parties and by droning on about it I make them feel uncomfortable too.

So, if you see me at a party and I start to moan and drone and generally rabbit on with unsuppressed self indulgence ... please, for the love of God ... tell me to shut up.

The earliest post ever...

This post is going to be the earliest ever post written by me.I have been awake since 4.30 this morning when my husband's alarm went off for him to get up and go to work.I had not slept well all night, for some unknown reason, but after lying in bed, tossing and turning for another hour I eventually got up at 5.30 and came downstairs to make a cup of tea and do some work.

It is now 6.39 and I am still feeling really quite strung out. I don't know why... I am perfectly happy, but I feel tense and headachey. I just want to be able to sleep. Usually I can sleep anywhere at anytime, but not today.I think I will make myself some toast and Marmite and do some reading.

Still no news about the audition, which does not bode well. And the allotment keys have not arrived either. I feel like I am in limbo, waiting for things to happen, not in control of anything... Oh gosh...

Have I peaked too soon??? Award winning blogger panics horribly...

Over the last couple of days my blog has blasted off into the stratosphere as far as I am concerned. However, I think I may well have peaked too soon.The lovely Mr London Street kindly gave my post about my dad an award on his 'That was the Week that Blogged' spot and all of a sudden I have had lots and lots of visitors coming to read my stuff.

Well...that's magnificent isn't it?? But, bloody hell.... what on earth can I write now?? My 'dad' post was, as usual, from the heart and just came to me as I sat at the computer, having spent that night sobbing quietly into the duvet...But that doesn't happen very often does it? And if it did you would all be fleeing in droves from the misery of my life!!

So... I am left with a dilemma... what can I write about now? Shall I just accept that my moment of glory is over? Shall I bow gracefully into retirement? Or shall I rummage about in the depths of my soul to find more skeletons in the family cupboard? Believe me, there are a lot in my family... Shall I attempt to write gorgeous flowing prose? That's the thing, isn't it? Whatever I write for the next few posts I will be trying to live up to my 'dad' post... And I will never do that because it was a one off...

I think I just have to face the fact that 'what will be, will be' 'que sera, sera...' I write for enjoyment, for therapy, for huge amounts of money  sorry... huge pleasure and I am just dead chuffed if you enjoy what I write too.If Mr London Street sent you, then you are very welcome. If my posts never quite live up to my 'moment of glory' post? Well, please forgive me...

I love it when people come by here and read and comment. It makes my day. So... thank you for coming and as Abou from the Simpsons would say.... ' Please... come again! '

Family worries and the credit crunch...

I had my sister on the phone to me today in floods of tears.She had phoned my Mum for a chat and ended up having to put the phone down before she said something she regretted. My Mum is not the person to call in a crisis. She says things that can make you feel like a bug on the floor.... its not what she says but her tone of voice. She is damning and unsympathetic.
stormy times call for stormy pics..... not mine I'm afraid.

My sister is going through harsh times... business went under, husband made redundant, massive mortgage. She has kept much to herself, but from our conversation today I begin to realise how awful things are. I did all I could to try and make her feel better, at least in the short term and I am trying to seek advice on how they should proceed. The thing is, they are very proud and don't want to admit that they need help.


I just wish that my Mum could realise that what my sister needs is a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear, a soothing voice... not strident criticism and being made to feel like dirt. I know my sister is not perfect... she knows she's not perfect... but there are times when you need to stop flinging blame and just be there.


I know that my Mum has helped them financially and practically with child care and so on, but she does it in a way that ensures you always feel in her debt. It is always brought up.


I feel trapped in the middle, trying to help both of them, but mostly my sister. I want them to have a good relationship and I want my Mum to treat my sister with love and caring, not condemnation. I tried to speak to her about it today and tried to stress that my sister needs her now more than ever, but she just can't understand. She thinks we are a Walton like family... all happy and jolly and we all adore her as the matriarchal figure. Well, I'm afraid she is sadly mistaken. Our family is like a soap... riddled with hidden secrets and unspoken words.


When it comes down to it all I can do is my best to support my sister and not fall out too far with my Mum, but its a hard job.


And in the meantime my husband's job is far from safe. All the managers have been called for a meeting this week and he has no days off next week. We are amongst many people all round the world with these fears and, compared to my sister's situation, we are fine, but it still lingers in my mind in the wee small hours...