My career in Musical Theatre is Over.

I have just returned from singing in my Community Choir. I love the choir and, for someone who spent most of her life miming in any given singing situation, I am singing with all my heart for the first time. We sing a range of music, from musicals to Coldplay and from hymns to African anthems. It is heart warming and confidence giving. Before joining choir I had only ever sung infront of my husband and children, or possibly my neighbours in a 'merry' karaoke session.

So, when our choir mistress told us that we were going to be singing a medley from Les Miserables, my favourite musical, I was thrilled! In my mind I was Fantine, or Eponine... Buoyed up by the other voices in the choir I had the voice of a West End star... well, maybe West End chorus... And then she asked for volunteers for solo parts....

It is a terrible trait of mine that I have an itchy arm. If anyone asks for a volunteer I am there. Need a secretary for your PTFA? I'm your woman. Need someone to go first or sit in the front row of a meeting? Yup. I'll be there. Need someone to sing solo? Yup. I can do that... Idiot.

I volunteered to sing "On My Own". What on earth was I thinking?? Mary, Mother of God...

Samantha Barks photo courtesy of fanpop.com

I have avoided my solo for weeks now as we have worked on other songs, worked our way through Les Mis. And tonight was the night I had to do it. As I write this my stomach is churning with the total gut wrenching embarrassment of having sung, badly, very badly infront of 40 other people - some of whom are very good singers indeed.

I was overcome with nerves and was truly awful.

Part of me is very proud that at least I had the guts to stand up and sing, but a much bigger part of me never wants to do it again. If I do things I want to do them well and I think I can honestly say that I do not have a solo voice. It was excruciating. Although I think I can safely say that if any theatre group is looking for a woman who can sing not only out of tune, but out of time as well... I am their woman.

I couldn't look at anyone when I was done and there was only a polite silence. My two friends were very very kind, giving me hugs afterwards and telling me my voice had a lovely tone, but oh dear... 

I think I need to get out of this. I have given it a shot, failed and now need to make a quick exit. For me, a career in musical theatre is over. I am not pretending I was bad in order to get compliments... I seriously was bad. Only a decline into extensive drug use that rendered me insensible to my abilities or lack of ability can change my decision to back out of this. Call me a coward if you like, but I cannot put myself or the other choir members through that again.

Right. I'm off to pour myself a gin.

From secret housewife to angry fishwife....

I am, usually, a very calm person.Most people I know would probably describe me as pretty chilled out and I have, in the past ( much to my horror) been described as "placid".There are very few circumstances that rile me... I found myself, this weekend, however, in a situation that was both mortifying and unusual.I have discovered that I am not always the calm person I had considered myself.... and more...I have discovered that where my family is involved I am a bit of a tiger...


Yesterday we were watching my eldest play football. My husband runs the touchline most weeks and, to be honest, he is rather fed up of doing it.Before the match he told me that he would do the first half, but then someone else would have to do it.So, half time came and nobody stepped up to help.Although all the other dads had spent the first half moaning about my Man's offside decisions, all of a sudden they were all the walking wounded.There were bad backs, sore legs... you name it they had it. Every possible excuse not to get up and run the line.


So, I'm afraid I lost the plot..... I told them that my Man runs the line every week and never gets to watch his son actually play.They repeated their various ailments and obviously thought it quite amusing.I got up and raised my voice to tell them that they were"out of order", that it wasn't right that none of them could be bothered.I even said I would run the line ( dead glad my Man turned me down on that one as I had tight jeans,a floaty top and no sports bra on )I felt myself race past the point of no return as my voice grew louder and more shrill.I knew that I had turned, a la worm, from quiet yet enthusiastic football mum to all out harridan.


I am afraid that I ranted.Not a quiet, online, bloggy rant, but a full blown, fish wife,ground open up and swallow me with embarrassment rant...And still none of them got up to help.I sat down and shut up and fought back the tears.You could have cut the silence with a knife.


And then, of course, came the self analysis.Was I right to rant?Should I have let myself become quite that irate?Could I not have put my point over in a calmer way?Why did I get involved at all? All these questions swirled around my head.Had I hopelessly embarrassed both myself and my husband?


I think the answer is yes.Yes I could have been calmer and more measured and yes I did prove an embarrassment to our family as a whole.There was no need to get so angry and I don't really know why I reacted in that way. It was totally uncharacteristic of me. But, on the other hand, why should I, or anyone, put up with idle people who can't be bothered to give something back to the team?Should a person sit quietly and be trodden all over?Sometimes you have to stand up and be heard.I just can't sit and do nothing when I feel a member of my family is being wronged.I know it was hardly the Dreyfus Affair, but all my instincts are to protect.


Now I just have to face them all at training tomorrow night....