I have calmed down now, but today has been one of those days... you know the ones ? The ones where you just feel like nothing, like life is a complete waste of time. And yes, I know that this is complete and utter self pity, but this is my blog and I'll cry if I want to...
I won't go into the ins and outs of it all, it may even be just down to hormones ( those evil buggers ), but suffice to say that I ended the day hating everyone, from my family to general passers by. I couldn't even hide it today. For the first time in, well probably years, I felt genuinely depressed - the sort of numb hatred of existence.
I don't like feeling like this, but it helps me to write about it. Much as I reason to myself that I have a brilliant life with wonderful boys and a fabulous husband, days like this just suck the life blood from me. There is no rhyme or reason - a combination of events to make me feel invisible, worthless. My rational head says " Get a grip, woman. You have everything and more " My self pitying, whingeing alter ego sinks deeper into the mire.
I think the only answer is to go to bed determined to wake up happier tomorrow and to spend my day totally involved with other people - to forget "me, me, me ". No doubt I will wake in the morning, horrified that I have written this on here, but that is the great thing about blogging - the honesty born of anonymity, whether the subject matter be good, bad or indifferent.