The Liebster Award - I won something!!

I am dead chuffed today to let you know that I have been given Liebster Award by the lovely Tiddler on the Loose blog. This award is given to blogs with fewer than 200 followers, with "good content" that warrant more support. I am so touched as I have recently discovered this blog and have also been following her @pootlehat on Twitter.

Liebster Award Rules

1. Show your thanks to those who gave you the award by linking back to them

Thank You Tiddler on the Loose!!

2. Reveal 5 of your top picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

 Keep reading ...

3. Post the award on your blog. Yup.

4. Enjoy the love and support of some wonderful people on the www!!! Keep posting, keep commenting and keep being positive.

So ... here are my nominations for the Liebster Award ... dadaaaaah ...

1. Memoirs of a Farm Wife  The daily diary of a mum and farmer's wife in Illinois who I have followed for a long time. She is honest, kind and down to earth and shows a little slice of life over the pond that I love.

2. The Paddock  Pauline writes about her family in New Zealand - her children and grandchildren - and she posts photos of where she lives - one of the most beautiful places in the world. Well worth a visit through the ether.

3. Urban Cynic One of my favourite bloggers who I have 'known' for years now. She is honest, opinionated and supportive - writing about her life in Brighton, films and events in the news. I think she's brilliant!

4. Beautful or practical  Louba's blog is written about her life and is such a lovely positive and caring outlook on life that I love to visit - hope you do too. Oh ...  and she sometimes finds some gorgeous shoes!!

5. My Life as a Mature Age Student  Caz writes her blog whilst also studying and raising a family. She reminds me of myself in a lot of ways - but she has 2 teenage girls - not sure I could cope!! Anyway, she's in Australia and she's great!

There are other people I would have liked to add to my list, but some of you have more than 200 followers so you don't qualify! You are far too popular already!!!

I hope you can find time to visit these blogs. I enjoy them and I hope you do too. xx

Late party problems and decisions to be made...

My son has been invited to a birthday party.My son is 11 on Monday and his own birthday party consists of 3 friends, his brother and my husband and I going to the cinema and then out for lunch. The party he has been invited to is for 50 children, at a swimming pool from 8pm to 9.30pm some other day.

My son's usual bed time is 9pm and although he does sometimes stay up later than this the thought of him being in a swimming pool at that time of night with 49 other children... is ridiculous to say the least. Call me old fashioned and an over protective mother, but I am feeling really quite irritated that the parents of his friend have been so blasé and, frankly, irresponsible.

I could, of course, tell him he can't go, but then his friend would be upset because this friend is supposed to be his best friend.I also do not want to upset his friend's mother. However, their feelings are not really my priority - my son's safety is. I know the sort of behaviour that will be acceptable at the party and its not the sort of behaviour that I am comfortable with.

In the past I have avoided play dates because of lack of supervision. The last time my son played at their house he came home very proud that he had saved his friend's life.When I asked how he had saved him he said that they had been playing out in the front of the house and his friend had been in the road. A car had come down the road, not seen the boy and my son had dragged him out of the way just in time.He was 8 at the time. When I asked why they were out on the road and where the mummy was I was told that this was usual practise and mummy had been in the house.He has not played there since.

I am too much of a wimp to be honest and up front about this event, but it has tainted my opinion ever since and I have backed off from my friendship. This latest problem is just another example of how different we are. I suppose, to be honest, I am controlling, she is easy going. We each have the right to parent as we please. She is a lovely person and if our children were not an issue everything would be fine. But they are an issue. I am unhappy trusting my children with her or her offspring.

Next year they will all go to new and different schools and the problem will be over hopefully, but for now I have to decide what to do. Do I let my son decide for himself and hope everything is fine? Do I say no to the party and tell the truth as to why he can't come? Or do I say he can't come and make up an excuse, somewhere between the truth and a kind place? I just don't know...

Am I odd?

When I was about 14 I only wore my hair one way to go to school - bunches.The reason I never changed my hair style was because I was so afraid people wouldn't like me if I changed in any way.Yes... I know... that's quite odd.

I worried then that people would think me odd and, to be honest, I worry now.I have moved on slightly, in that I do actually change my hair style!! But, fundamentally, underneath my confident blonde exterior, that 14 year old still looks out with worried eyes at the world around her.

Last night I went out with friends from work and I had a lovely time. They are all really nice, down to earth girls.But I came away worried. Worried that they 'put up with me'. That they don't really like me in the same way as other people are liked. I think what started it was the fact that a mutual friend had invited them all to a party at her house. I am not invited.I am not invited to a lot of things that go on.

The vast majority of the time that is absolutely fine with me, but last night it got to me.What is wrong with me ?Am I odd? I know that it took me a long time to learn social skills. Not until my early 20's could I mix with people socially and feel anything other than crushingly shy. I went to an all girls school so boys were a mystery to me. Working in casinos helped, but at the bottom of it all I still feel odd.

At parties or social gatherings I hate making small talk and I would rather be with the children because I know that, with them, I can be completely 'me'. I know that recently there have been a few parties/barbecues/events that I have not been invited to, while my friends have. Now I don't want to go to stuff really, but I would love to know why I don't get invited, because maybe I could change.

Do I smell? Am I rude? Do I speak inappropriately? I just don't know... The people who count,love me - my Man, my children... Why does it even matter to me at all? I try to spend my life being interested in other people and trying to make other people feel good about themselves. I am happy and confident most of the time. But there are times when I am not. I just hate this feeling of inadequacy. I hate that I even care at all. I hate that I am whinging to you about it.

For goodness sake... this is ridiculous. I don't want to be invited as a charity case to 'do's'. I like sitting on my bench with my neighbour or my husband or by myself.I like reading and writing my blog. Isn't it odd that, at the age of 46, a girl can still feel like a 14 year old? I remember my Granny saying, at the age of 70, that she looked like an old lady, but inside she still felt like a 16 year old girl. I suppose that's the fate of all of us. I am sure that I am not alone in feeling shy or inadequate. I just need to 'get on with it'.

But while I am attempting to 'get on with it' I feel sad and a bit silly...

The Bench

I want to tell you about my bench.Its not any old bench. Its not sitting in the middle of a park with a discarded newspaper and someone's old sandwich packet waiting forlornly... My bench is The Bench.

After a long day doing Mum type things or even after a short day doing Mum type things The Bench is where I go to sit and contemplate life and the universe.And joining me, quite often is my Bench Mate. My next door neighbour.As we stand in our gardens bringing in the washing or dead heading the roses, our eyes meet and we know that it is a Bench Moment...

'Fancy a bench?' one of us will say... and five minutes later we are there, looking out over the garden, wine in my hand, beer in hers.We don't have to talk, but we usually do...And after our wine has been supped, our beer enjoyed... we head off back to our lives... cooking the dinner, helping with homework, strengthened and re-envigoured to face life afresh... by The Bench.

Turkish Delightful holiday cancellation nightmare. Secret housewife not a happy bunny...

We have had a holiday nightmare.Our dream Turkish delight which we were all, as a family, looking forward to with baited breath, has gone down the tubes.

                                            
                                                   where we should be going....


Our usual holiday experience involves sitting in the rain somewhere in France, listening to the downpour beating like a thousand drums on our tent roof. Last year we didn't go on holiday at all. I came to the momentous decision that this year we would go somewhere hot, somewhere with a beach, a pool and guaranteed sunshine. I booked an hotel in Turkey, last August, for this August.We paid, in full, two days ago.

And yesterday the travel agents called to say... 'Sorry, the hotel owner has backed out... you don't have a holiday.'

#*@@#####!!!!!!!!!!! was my reaction to that.....

They have offered us a full refund or a holiday in some dingy apartment 5km from the beach. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!

I am so pissed off that I cannot type my real feelings. I could cry. We will not accept their replacement tat. We want a decent holiday in a decent place. But its June and what availability is there?? I have one hope - my next door neighbour and best friend works for this travel agency - she took our booking. She is nearly as devastated as we are and has promised to do everything to help us and sort out a holiday.

I know that she will do all she can. It is not her fault, but that of some idiot further up the chain. I feel sorry for her and her colleagues who have had to break the news to us.My husband has gone into town to try and sort things out. I will keep you posted.

More indoor skiing and Pampered Chef friendship worries...

I went skiing today. My Man and I snuck off to the indoor ski place with our old salopettes and had an hour of skiing. How bizarre! My main impression was of darkness. Of course it wasn't dark, but as it was inside, with no windows, the overall feeling was... darkness. The thing I love about skiing is the massive skies and the mountain air - the feeling that you are a tiny dot amongst the mountains and sparkling snow, the feeling of freedom. Here there was no sky and no feeling of freedom. That is not to say that I didn't have a good time.After the first few runs where I felt as though I was wearing huge planks on my feet, all went well. I could not stop myself from smiling as I hurtled rustily down the slope.What a lovely way to spend a Wednesday afternoon!!

I am feeling a tad anxious this evening. I am having a Pampered Chef party at my house. You can Google them and look up the stuff they sell - its good. I e-mailed my potential guests last night and there has not been a clamouring to attend. In fact, there has been a marked and stony silence.My fragile self confidence has taken a dive and I am thinking that I may have to cancel if more people, as in.... any people, don't let me know they can come.

Its time like this when I go back to the whole thing about friends. Maybe they all read my post going on about how I liked my own company. Maybe they all thought I could have a Pampered Chef party by myself as I liked my own company so much... Actually, I don't think they read my post as none of them know that I write this blog.... maybe they just don't like me.....

Snow and friendship .... sometimes they are both like old rice pudding.

So.... back to work today. I love my work, but at the same time... what wouldn't I do to be able to not work. I would never run out of things to do. I hate the fact that I have to go in every bloody day.... have to get up with the alarm.....

Still... life could be worse.It snowed again today - quite thick and heavy, but it didn't stay for long... just lay about like a thick, cold, wet layer of old rice pudding. It was my friend's birthday today. We used to be really really good friends, but we moved on from each other. Its odd to see her clutching gifts from mutual friends in the playground and not even going over to say hello.Life just moves on sometimes doesn't it? She's happy, I'm happy, but its strange how someone who used to be a massive part of my life is now a virtual stranger.

I think I am a bit flitty with friends. When it comes down to it I like my own company. My Man is my best friend and I don't really enjoy being girly girly with people... in each others pockets, doing lunch, our husbands playing golf... not me at all.I like my own space, my own interests and I don't like to be part of some big social whirlwind.I dip in when I feel like it .Most of the time I don't feel like it at all. Do I sound weird?Unfriendly? I'm not ... I just like to feel like I have a choice. I don't want to be bestest friends with people. Even when I was little I didn't want to have friends over for tea... I just like... me.

A Reunion at the V&A.

It had been 24 years since I last saw my room mates from university.We had all shared rooms off a corridor in Villiers Hall Leicester - a place more akin to a concrete multi storey car park than a home.When I dropped out of my course in the summer of .... well, too long ago to worry about, my life moved on to pastures new and I did not keep in touch, other than the odd Christmas card.Then they dwindled and stopped coming too, from both sides.

I ran into my closest friend from those times in a camp site in the Dordogne a couple of years ago and we got along like a house on fire. I suppose she must have kept in touch with the others for before long the Christmas cards started coming again.

So... yesterday we had arranged to meet in the cafe of the Victoria & Albert Museum in South Kensington - all very spy like. I arrived at just gone 10am, not knowing what to expect and really not knowing whether I particularly wanted to meet up again. After all, if I hadn't kept in touch with them there was probably a good reason... However, I was pleasantly surprised to spot them buying coffees in the distance and even more surprised to find myself welling up with emotion.

Being the hard cow I am I quickly forced all that nonsense back down into my tummy and gave them all a cuddle.We spent the next3 and a half hours chatting and looking at photos. They had brought along envelopes of the things, whereas I had sadly brought only my car keys, phone, debit card and a jolly nice lip gloss.

It is strange to have to give a potted history of one's adventures over the last 24 years. You begin to realise that editing is essential, not purely from the time point of view, but to avoid looking smug or arrogant.You just can't plough in with detailed info of all the things you have done, places you have been, people you have met, holidays you have taken, blah, blah,blah, without looking like a knob.Best to sit back and listen to their tales of adventure... or not.I don't particularly enjoy talking endlessly about myself, although this blog may have you thinking otherwise.Even when I went mad after the children I soon got bored with therapy and having to drone on endlessly about my childhood.Its far more interesting to listen to other people.

I can't say that their lives surprised me. If you had asked me 24 years ago to predict what they would be like, what they would be doing in 24 years time, and put that prediction in a sealed envelope, to be opened yesterday, I think I would have guessed pretty accurately. Of all of us I would choose my life every time - which may sound smug, but is in fact quite pleasing from my point of view. I have no envy of their lives, no sorrow over mine. I did the right thing dropping out and my life has been fun and varied.

The nicest thing about yesterday was that it was as though we had popped out for an hour or two and were now back in our digs discussing the day over coffee. As I said to them, I felt completely comfortable and relaxed in their company, despite the intervening years.There was talk yesterday of a walking weekend with our husbands, but I am not sure if that will come about, or even whether I particularly want to... But it was good to see them and I know that we will meet up again.

Friends reunited.

On Saturday I am meeting up with 3 girls I knew at University. We shared a dorm or should I say our rooms were off the same corridor in our halls of residence in our first year.Two of them were medical students, the other did... economics I think.I haven't seen the two med students for 24 years. The other girl I ran into in a campsite restaurant in the Dordogne a couple of years ago.

So.... it will be strange to see them again. One of them sent me some photos of her and her family and she really has not changed - maybe a few more lines, but I would have recognised her straight away in the street.My campsite friend looks the same too. I wonder what the third one will be like? Part of me is looking forward to seeing them.Part of me thinks that there is always a reason you don't keep in touch with people...

Still, I am old enough and relaxed enough to enjoy the day out without feeling pressured to become bosom buddies again.Not that there will be any pressure.I think we are all just a little curious to see how we turned out.

So.... what do I wear? Do I go comfy, in jeans and a sweater? Or chic in a little dress and boots? Do I bejewel or stay simple? You know what women are like... even though you are trying to be nice and genuine and good, you cannot help but look at the other girls' shoes, bag, nails, jewellery. Not that I will judge....much.....God... how shallow am I?? Oh, yes, that's right.... very.

An inspiration.

         My friend came into work today to visit. She is undergoing chemotherapy at the moment as she was diagnosed with breast cancer some months ago.She is just the most amazing woman.She has lost all her hair and today was wearing a beautiful pink bandana on her head. She is so beautiful.I don't mean in a Beyonce kind of a way, or a made up, perfect, glossy way. She is a mum with all the insecurities and failings that all we middle aged women have. What I mean is that she has such a character, a strength of character that shines through and makes her beautiful.She makes her illness easy for the rest of us. She is so up front, so honest. There is no embarrassment, no whispers, no fear of talking to her. Everyone is glad to see her and unafraid to talk about everything - from how her chemo is going and how she is feeling through to silly everyday stuff and rude jokes.People don't turn away in embarrassment when they see her...people go to her because she makes being with her easy... a pleasure.

I don't quite know how she does it, but she does it with style.If ever I were to fall ill I would hope that I could cope with it the way she has. I know she has moments of misery... probably more than moments.But she is one special lady and she is inspiring in her positivity and honesty. At this point, if she was reading this she would probably say something rude to me and I would be rude back, but I just wanted to put this down on "paper". There are people in our lives who touch us and make a difference.I wouldn't say that she is my bosom buddy, she has many friends far closer to her than I am, but I love her as a person and she has made a difference in my life. I look forward to when she is through all this treatment and can feel truly fit and healthy again.She is one good woman.                                                                             

Virtual Tea over at Farm Wife's place!!

I went a visiting over to Farm Wife's blog and I was pleased to see that she is running her virtual tea party again. I first went a couple of years ago - dressed up in my Sunday best. You can go too, you just have to answer the follwing questions!! I have typed in my answers.... what do you think??

Please introduce yourself tell us how you came to be a visitor here at of a FarmWife

Hello! I am Secret Housewife, or Sarah , which ever you prefer. I have been visiting Farm Wife since about 2007. I stumbled across Farm Wife and her Farm Hands by browsing through Blogger and I immediately enjoyed her blog, felt at home. Farm Wife has been kind and supportive over the last 2 ½ years and I love reading about her and her family.

What book is currently on your bedside table (or coffee table) and are you really reading it?
I have 3 at the moment: JK Rowling’s “ Tales of Beedle the Bard “ ( not too bothered about that one. “Villette” by Charlotte Bronte, an old favourite that I am rereading. 3 Cups of Tea – about Greg Mortensen, just started it.

Is there anything you would like to accomplish this summer?

I want to lose some weight and get started on my Degree Course.

Did you take any lessons as a child? What kind & did you retain anything you learned?

Mmmmm… I wanted to learn ballet and took a few lessons, but my mum promised she would stay and never did, so I gave up. My real joy was horse riding. I took lessons from aged 8 to 18 and loved it. I was a bit scared sometimes, but my favourite was jumping. Somehow I was never scared of that!I often wonder if I will ever ride again. I hope I will - but I'm a bit frightened that I might break if I fell off!!


If someone had told you 10 years ago what you'd be doing now, would you have believed them?

I don’t think I would have believed I could have run the London Marathon, or that finishing my Degree would be a possibility. But I never say never, so maybe I would have believed it!

What are you making for dinner tonight?

We have already eaten… sausages, new potatoes, hispi cabbage, carrots, onion gravy and mange tout from our garden… oh, and white wine.

There. Thank you for inviting me, Farm Wife. Toodle Pip.