Friday, 23 July 2010

Am I odd?

When I was about 14 I only wore my hair one way to go to school - bunches.The reason I never changed my hair style was because I was so afraid people wouldn't like me if I changed in any way.Yes... I know... that's quite odd.

I worried then that people would think me odd and, to be honest, I worry now.I have moved on slightly, in that I do actually change my hair style!! But, fundamentally, underneath my confident blonde exterior, that 14 year old still looks out with worried eyes at the world around her.

Last night I went out with friends from work and I had a lovely time. They are all really nice, down to earth girls.But I came away worried. Worried that they 'put up with me'. That they don't really like me in the same way as other people are liked. I think what started it was the fact that a mutual friend had invited them all to a party at her house. I am not invited.I am not invited to a lot of things that go on.

The vast majority of the time that is absolutely fine with me, but last night it got to me.What is wrong with me ?Am I odd? I know that it took me a long time to learn social skills. Not until my early 20's could I mix with people socially and feel anything other than crushingly shy. I went to an all girls school so boys were a mystery to me. Working in casinos helped, but at the bottom of it all I still feel odd.

At parties or social gatherings I hate making small talk and I would rather be with the children because I know that, with them, I can be completely 'me'. I know that recently there have been a few parties/barbecues/events that I have not been invited to, while my friends have. Now I don't want to go to stuff really, but I would love to know why I don't get invited, because maybe I could change.

Do I smell? Am I rude? Do I speak inappropriately? I just don't know... The people who count,love me - my Man, my children... Why does it even matter to me at all? I try to spend my life being interested in other people and trying to make other people feel good about themselves. I am happy and confident most of the time. But there are times when I am not. I just hate this feeling of inadequacy. I hate that I even care at all. I hate that I am whinging to you about it.

For goodness sake... this is ridiculous. I don't want to be invited as a charity case to 'do's'. I like sitting on my bench with my neighbour or my husband or by myself.I like reading and writing my blog. Isn't it odd that, at the age of 46, a girl can still feel like a 14 year old? I remember my Granny saying, at the age of 70, that she looked like an old lady, but inside she still felt like a 16 year old girl. I suppose that's the fate of all of us. I am sure that I am not alone in feeling shy or inadequate. I just need to 'get on with it'.

But while I am attempting to 'get on with it' I feel sad and a bit silly...

8 comments:

Urban Cynic said...

Hmm interesting; I've never much cared about what people think about me - fuck em. At some point we're all going to be pushing up daisies, so who cares what the daisy next to you may or may not have once thought?

I gather this way of thinking is quite unusual however! Maybe you're often not invited as people think you might not want to come. Sometimes shyness is seen as self-centredness & they may think that you wouldn't enjoy yourself or don't like being around them.

In my experience, it's usually never about you & people are far too busy thinking about themselves to be thinking about you... you're not THAT special!

Also perhaps look at WHY you would want people to like you - as long as the people who care about you (& most importantly, you) think you're ok then who gives a toss what a stranger might think? You probably don't sit around thinking about their personalities, so it's unlikely they're doing the same about you.

When I ran a pub, the landlord from the next pun told me that he worried people were talking about him all the time & didn't like him. I said that once he left the bar I barely gave him a second thought & that he should get over himself! He's never thought of it that way before. x

sarah at secret housewife said...

You are soooo right. That's the pathetic thing isn't it? I know that everything you say is spot on and I really need to get over myself! That's why I love blogging - honesty. I can be honest, you can be honest.I like that and I love it when you comment. You are so straight and to the point. Thank you hun. xx S

Marlene said...

Sarah, I agree with what was said by Urban Cynic - who cares what people think. I have had a few friends that were extremely shy and before I really got to know them they came across as stuck-up. If you really care maybe you should let your inner child out for them to see once in a while.

Urban Cynic said...

Haha - you probably mean rude & direct! It's a good job I don't care what you think about me I guess; otherwise I would never have said it & you'd never know! x

Razmataz said...

I entertain fair bit and sometimes exclude certain people only because my house is small and I have to have a cut off somewhere. I feel bad sometimes not inviting certain people, but then if I invite them, I have to invite so and so and it goes on.

That said, not getting invited is a bit like being the kid not invited to the birthday party. It can make you feel like crap. Don't dwell on it. I don't think anyone is actually saying to themselves"hmmn....I am not inviting Sarah" more likely they just didn't think. Likely busy and distracted, and if you are shy, maybe your quiet demeanor didn't make you come to mind right away.

Sometimes after an event, I say "I don't know why I didn't think of it, but I should have invited so and so.

So what I am trying to say, is don't feel bad even though it's a stinger.

Juli Ryan said...

I know what you mean! I'm introverted and "do's" take a lot out of me. I really overthink things sometimes.

We really do not entertain enough. I intended to start having regular dinner parties, but I have not started doing it yet. (sigh)

Sarah said...

Thanks for all your thoughts everyone!The strange thing is - I don't consider myself shy any more.I am pretty extrovert these days and not afraid to speak my mind.Maybe that's what's odd about me??!! Maybe people don't like the fact that I come straight to the point about 'stuff'.Anyway... I am moving on from all this. If I am odd... well, it makes me an original doesn't it?? My Man loves me, as do my boys and my real friends... so I think I need to think less and live more. Sarah xx

Razmataz said...

Well, I LOVE people who speak their mind (in the blogging world too) and should you live closer you would receive an invite to my parties since I love lively guests and challenging converstation. Lots of people are quite content with the status quo and miss out on the variety and depth of a zillion people.