When I was about 14 I only wore my hair one way to go to school - bunches.The reason I never changed my hair style was because I was so afraid people wouldn't like me if I changed in any way.Yes... I know... that's quite odd.
I worried then that people would think me odd and, to be honest, I worry now.I have moved on slightly, in that I do actually change my hair style!! But, fundamentally, underneath my confident blonde exterior, that 14 year old still looks out with worried eyes at the world around her.
Last night I went out with friends from work and I had a lovely time. They are all really nice, down to earth girls.But I came away worried. Worried that they 'put up with me'. That they don't really like me in the same way as other people are liked. I think what started it was the fact that a mutual friend had invited them all to a party at her house. I am not invited.I am not invited to a lot of things that go on.
The vast majority of the time that is absolutely fine with me, but last night it got to me.What is wrong with me ?Am I odd? I know that it took me a long time to learn social skills. Not until my early 20's could I mix with people socially and feel anything other than crushingly shy. I went to an all girls school so boys were a mystery to me. Working in casinos helped, but at the bottom of it all I still feel odd.
At parties or social gatherings I hate making small talk and I would rather be with the children because I know that, with them, I can be completely 'me'. I know that recently there have been a few parties/barbecues/events that I have not been invited to, while my friends have. Now I don't want to go to stuff really, but I would love to know why I don't get invited, because maybe I could change.
Do I smell? Am I rude? Do I speak inappropriately? I just don't know... The people who count,love me - my Man, my children... Why does it even matter to me at all? I try to spend my life being interested in other people and trying to make other people feel good about themselves. I am happy and confident most of the time. But there are times when I am not. I just hate this feeling of inadequacy. I hate that I even care at all. I hate that I am whinging to you about it.
For goodness sake... this is ridiculous. I don't want to be invited as a charity case to 'do's'. I like sitting on my bench with my neighbour or my husband or by myself.I like reading and writing my blog. Isn't it odd that, at the age of 46, a girl can still feel like a 14 year old? I remember my Granny saying, at the age of 70, that she looked like an old lady, but inside she still felt like a 16 year old girl. I suppose that's the fate of all of us. I am sure that I am not alone in feeling shy or inadequate. I just need to 'get on with it'.
But while I am attempting to 'get on with it' I feel sad and a bit silly...