Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Dog Days ...

Do you have days like the one I'm having? Days where you can do nothing right in the eyes of your family and especially your children? I have just come downstairs from my 14 year old who tells me I am an evil woman. The reason for this? I told him to turn off his laptop and tidy his room ...

The tirade of anger that met this request was just exhausting. Apparently I don't understand him and my other son is my favourite. I should tidy his room and pick the piles of clean clothes, that I washed, folded and put in his room, from the floor where he has thrown them. Apparently he cannot remember the last time I emptied the dishwasher ... I would imagine he didn't notice because he was on his laptop at the time.

I feel that I am walking an unending tightrope at the moment. I am trying to keep everyone happy - my husband, my sons, my work colleague. I seem to be an invisible woman - up at 6.30, sorting laundry, tidying the kitchen, cycling to work, working in circumstances which are, to say the least, trying, cycling home, studying, cleaning, staying quiet so as not to wake my shift working husband, making tea ( to complaints most days) clearing up, doing homework with the boys, being a psychologist ... The list goes on.

I can feel, lurking in the depths of me, the tendrils of my depression trying to reach up and drag me down. I try to sleep well, exercise, be organised, write, to keep those tendrils at bay. I cannot let myself sink again into the blackness.

As a mum I give everything for my children. I love them so much, but my God, they nearly break me. Tonight as my son slammed his door in my face and told me all my failings I wanted to scream and rage. But I didn't. I remained calm and reasoned. I was the bigger person.

But I wish sometimes that I could just go. Go somewhere where I could not be a skivvy, not be everyone's metaphorical punchbag. I am sick of being expected to hold down a job, run a family, study and put up with everyone else's problems and worries. I have to do all this until I feel as though I am going to break and yet still give and give.

I don't know what to do about my son. I have removed all his electronic goods, much to his fury. I worry about him. He tells me that he is totally stressed, unhappy. He even said he had considered suicide. My God!! He has so much potential, but everything is starting to go wrong. He worries me and infuriates me. He sees no wrong in his behaviour, but is lazy, rude and aggressive verbally. He is also loving, funny, intelligent ...

I feel very alone at the moment. I have no confidence. There are not enough hours in the day and at the moment they mostly seem rather dark ...


11 comments:

"As We Speak" said...

I'm so sorry that you feel all alone in this but, you are not!
Your husband has to be aware of everything that is going on...if he isn't, you, hopefully, will bring him up to speed. The angst of teen years is awful...that's a given but, so is the angst of a mum who is "dancing as fast as she can!"

Razmataz said...

Oh Sarah, You must consider counselling for your boy and yourself. And you must certainly take care of yourself and see your doctor before you slip down. Kids that age can be awful. I always say they disappear into a dark tunnel around 13 and emerge at 18 as fairly decent people. I have had many issues with my kids back then and can barely remember it now they are 24 and 26. You need a night out with a friend to escape the house and chat and have a stiff drink. Hope you feel better soon.

Multi Layer Mummy said...

reading that was hard, it must hurt you so much the way things are at present. Things seem so different now to when we were teenagers. I hope you can find a way through this time & you are definitely not alone x

Lo said...

Oh,Sarah.....you must think about saving yourself. You have every right to feel enraged and if you are not expressing it and recognizing it you will slip into depression. You should NOT be sacrificing yourself to everyone's needs but your own.

Please, do get help and the objective view of someone you can trust.....you need some big time support.

My heart goes out to you, but you must stop letting this go on.

Chloe Brewer said...

Oh Sarah I'm so sorry you feel this way. Firstly I lived at home (briefly I may add) when my younger brother was in the throws of teenage angst and he horribly took it all out on my mum. He would listen to no-one but when I asked my partner about it he said all teenage boys go through this and it's normal, but they all do it to different degrees. Luckily at 17/18 my brother began to emerge from his teenage angst years a fairly decent human being. I know that might seem a long way off but rest assured it's normal the way he's behaving and the things he's saying.
With reagrds to feeling like your depression will come back, I can't do anything but offer sympathy and a hug *hug*, just look after yourself. Remember you are at the centre of your family so it's imperative you take the time to look after yourself. Maybe do something for you, something you enjoy once in a while xx

Urban Cynic said...

You sound like you're trying to do everything on your own and you shouldn't. I suggest you write down everything you do (or copy it from here!) call a family meeting and discuss a rejigging of duties.

Your sons should see that they are part of the family too and they must help to keep the boat moving. If they understood what you have to do in a day they may like to help. Ask if they would like this amount of work to do and if they want to see you unhappy - my guess is that they wouldn't.

I had to iron, dust, hoover and wash up when I was young (my brother didn't) and now he can barely change a duvet cover & still lives at home aged 32, and my Mum has agreed that she did him no favours by not getting him to help.

Of course they do not appreciate what tasks need to get done - they think the loo roll magically appears, the bathroom stay clean by itself, their clothes wash themselves, and the dishwasher only gets emptied by you.

If you want things to change then you need to make them change. If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. They won't know how things are unless you tell them, and of course they are not going to suddenly spring into action & take the load of you.

They may appreciate being asked to be involved in the running of the family as well...

Urban Cynic said...

Also, you don't need professional help - this all sounds pretty standard from what my friends with kids tell me. Just make them help out more & don't put up with their shit. Being a martyr won't benefit you.

sarah at secret housewife said...

Oh my goodness. I didn't use my computer yesterday and today I have come on to find all these kind and supportive comments from you lovely bloggers. I am going to answer each one of you individually hopefully, but I just wanted you to know that I am ok - feeling much better than when I wrote the post.
Not only have you guys written to me but my lovely cousin sent me a very supportive email. I didn't even know she read my blog.
Its incredible how supported and cared for I feel.
My son and I have talked - he was a different boy in the morning. Hopefully in another 4 years time he will be a delightful 18 year old!! Most of the time he is a delightful 14 year old, but when those hormones kick in ...
Thank you all so much.
Sarah
xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah,
believe me everything you feel is so normal. I have 3 boys, the oldest is 19 and he has just turned into a person again, the middle one is 15 and sounds just like your one. the little one is 11 and we all know what he is going to be like in a few years. I can also sympathize with how you feel, the anger, the helplessness, the fear and sadness. I feel like that sometimes but try not to forget that it will pass and is just part of life. Try to do something for yourself, practice being a little selfish. I started a degree 4 years ago and it has kept me sane. Always remember to be good to yourself and don't let them take advantage of you. I force my sons to do their bit, no matter how much resistance they put up. Go on strike if you have to. I gets better, believe me.

Inkling said...

It's posts like these and days like the one I'm having that make me wish to high heaven that I had a jet and could come in and swoop us away to some lovely place where we could sip alcoholic drinks, eat delicious food, and do only what pleased us for a short while before entering back into our real world lives. xoxo

Caz said...

Sarah, I have only just read this post and it never fails to amaze me that whenever I get on to do my own posts, I inevitably come across fellow bloggers who have the same feelings, problems, trials and tribulations. I too am bogged down in it all at the moment as my next post will show, and I know how hard teens can be. It really is the hardest part of parenting - the teen years. It's also a tricky time of life - the teen years. wish I could give you some enlightening advice, but all I have is to keep going, one day at a time. Maybe see a school counsellor re - the talk of suicide, that should always be taken seriously. Take care. XX