I can't sleep. Yet another bedtime row with my eldest son. He's 14 and I love him, but my God he knows how to press my buttons. Its not as if the row was over anything spectacularly bad, but I end up shouting, then trying to make up, then just getting upset.
And I walk away down the landing to catch a glimpse of myself in my full menopausal glory - a fat, bloated toad.
This does nothing for my self esteem.
So here I am typing away, trying to empty my mind when I should be asleep. I am the only one with the answers to my problems, but I don't have the energy right now to address them. My relationship with my son is fundamentally good and I know that in the morning he will apologise and we will be fine.
My real problem is me. 5 years ago I was training to run the London Marathon. I would look forward to my runs - 4 times a week and a short run was 4 or 5 miles. I'm not saying I was a good runner - far from it - but I was capable of going out and running distances. I was a size 10.
5 years later I am a size 14, getting bigger by the day, and my exercise has decreased to a leisurely game of football once a week if I'm lucky. I don't eat massively, but I eat more than I burn. And thus I am gradually getting bigger and bigger. Middle age does not help. I know that the answer to this problem is to get up, go out and run or walk ... but I am too bloody lazy.
The thing is I have to do something. I am changing from someone who always felt quite attractive to someone who is overweight, feels heavy and is not at all attractive. Call me shallow, but I quite liked feeling that I looked nice.
And another thing - could as well just spew everything now ... What am I doing with my life?? I have a First Class Honours degree, but am doing nothing with it. My job is enjoyable, but easy to the point of brain mushing. I have applied for volunteer work and am attempting to do something else which will hopefully be challenging and interesting, but at the moment there are no vacancies in my area.
In moments like this I look at my life and think "What a waste ..." I am 48 and could have done so much more. I've never really succeeded at anything. Even my Marathon was pretty pathetic. I might sound like I'm fishing for compliments or feeling very sorry for myself here ( which I probably am) but I just need to get all of this out of my head or I won't sleep. I need to pull myself together and lose weight. I have to get fitter for life.
Tonight I feel old and bloated and ugly. I am also tired. My row with my son has shaken me up and upset me, made me doubt myself. I need to stop, pull myself together and just get on with life. I will be ok, but right now I just need a good cry.