Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Mid Life Crisis Alert

I can't sleep. Yet another bedtime row with my eldest son. He's 14 and I love him, but my God he knows how to press my buttons. Its not as if the row was over anything spectacularly bad, but I end up shouting, then trying to make up, then just getting upset.

And I walk away down the landing to catch a glimpse of myself in my full menopausal glory - a fat, bloated toad.

This does nothing for my self esteem.

So here I am typing away, trying to empty my mind when I should be asleep. I am the only one with the answers to my problems, but I don't have the energy right now to address them. My relationship with my son is fundamentally good and I know that in the morning he will apologise and we will be fine.

My real problem is me. 5 years ago I was training to run the London Marathon. I would look forward to my runs - 4 times a week and a short run was 4 or 5 miles. I'm not saying I was a good runner - far from it - but I was capable of going out and running distances. I was a size 10.

5 years later I am a size 14, getting bigger by the day,  and my exercise has decreased to a leisurely game of football once a week if I'm lucky. I don't eat massively, but I eat more than I burn. And thus I am gradually getting bigger and bigger. Middle age does not help. I know that the answer to this problem is to get up, go out and run or walk ... but I am too bloody lazy.

The thing is I have to do something. I am changing from someone who always felt quite attractive to someone who is overweight, feels heavy and is not at all attractive. Call me shallow, but I quite liked feeling that I looked nice.

And another thing - could as well just spew everything now ... What am I doing with my life?? I have a First Class Honours degree, but am doing nothing with it. My job is enjoyable, but easy to the point of brain mushing. I have applied for volunteer work and am attempting to do something else which will hopefully be challenging and interesting, but at the moment there are no vacancies in my area.

In moments like this I look at my life and think "What a waste ..." I am 48 and could have done so much more. I've never really succeeded at anything. Even my Marathon was pretty pathetic. I might sound like I'm fishing for compliments or feeling very sorry for myself here ( which I probably am) but I just need to get all of this out of my head or I won't sleep. I need to pull myself together and lose weight. I have to get fitter for life.

Tonight I feel old and bloated and ugly. I am also tired. My row with my son has shaken me up and upset me, made me doubt myself. I need to stop, pull myself together and just get on with life. I will be ok, but right now I just need a good cry.


Caz said...

Hopefully after you've had a good night's sleep all will be better in the morning. I only know you, Sarah, through your blog and I've come to know that you are more positive than negative and also someone who loves a challenge. Everyone gets down every now and then and once you've made amends with your son, you'll be back on track. Most days I feel fat and frumpy but I've decided to put my health first. I'm back at the gym and after only a week, I feel so much better about myself. You're a first class honours graduate; you've run a marathon; you're an inspirational blogger/writer and from what I can tell by your profile pic, you're pretty damn hot - nothing can stop you, Sarah. Now, have a good night's sleep and go get 'em! xxx

Barbara said...

I, too, am a positive person going through a negative phase.
We are both clearly dissatisfied with the course of our lives at the moment and need to sort ourselves out but we have a strong sense of commitment to others which places our own needs at the bottom of the ever-expanding list.
Personally, I haven't the energy to do much about it at the moment.

White Space said...

Mate! You poor thing. I'm sure you're feeling better this morning but the thing with having a blurt out of all these emotions is that somewhere you actually mean them.

I am in exactly the same boat size-wise. I'm lazy as hell so know it's my own fault. I should and could do something about it but I don't. It's much harder to keep the blubber at bay as we get older and we know hard work is the only answer - but it's such hard work dammit!

Things will be ok with your son - the things I used to say to my Mum when I was 14... (shudders)in fact you should get your head round the fact that it will probably get much worse as he's only 14!

Career-wise you're in a good position; you have a degree, experience and common sense. Go to career websites and read how to decide on what you'd like to do. Think about aspects you like about your current and past jobs and what you didn't. Think about what you're good at, what tasks you particularly love being given, what tasks people choose you over overs to do, and your motivation for working - the reason you do what you do.

We're only human Sarah. Keep on truckin'!x

sarah at secret housewife said...

Caz, Barbara and White Space ... thank you so much for your comments.This is why I love blogging. I know that I can not only spill my heart onto the screen, but that my friends from through the ether will find me and make me feel better. You know that sometimes I need sympathy, other times I need to be given a kick up the backside.You are another layer to my life and I value what you have to say very much.
I feel better today and my son, as is his wont, acts as if nothing happened. He did apologise.
Do you recommend any career websites WS ? Its not something I know about ...
And I am going for a run ... at some point this week...
Well, 2 out of 3's not bad!!

Jo said...

Hello, it's good to let everything out every so often, I do it on my blog every now and then. I find emptying my mind cathartic.
I like the quote 'a bad day does not a bad life make' ;-)
I've lost my motivation a bit regarding my fitness of late too. I feel bad about it but my tiredness levels really don't help.
I set up and chair a committee for a small charity earlier this year. It's bloody hard fitting it in, I'm often doing my charity admin at 2am . But I LOVE it. I am finally passionate about something (other than my family, oh and travel...I'm passionate about travel, I just can't afford to haha).
I know your post wasn't for compliments but I think you always look lovely in your photo's, I always enjoy your writing and I think your achievements are huge !
Hope you're feeling a bit brighter.
Take care, Jo xx

White Space said...

Website-wise there's a few that I use for inspiration to go further afield and live my dreams - these might not be for you as you have a family and are staying put!

I like Location 180, Escape the City, and Vagabondish. These are for more wilder career paths though that I use to dream on.

Other good sites are Career Shifters as they have articles on making changes. You can also Google, how to do what you love, career decisions, changing career advice etc.

If you're not sure about CV writing and presenting yourself, or if you're thinking of going freelance then there's my own website