From sunshine and cake to rainy days and Fridays.

Its been a funny old week ... I started off basking in sunshine with my friends at a local tearoom. It overlooks acres of farmland occupied only by the occasional horse and a fair proportion of bumble bees and flowers. We sat in the warm Spring sun sipping tea poured from a proper pot, complete with hand knitted cosy and loose leaves and luxuriating in the taste of freshly baked Victoria sponge.The three of us put the world to rights and planned the day when we could open our own bijou tearoom ...

What a dream that would be ... a quaint little place with assorted china, wild flowers in jam jars and the best homemade cakes, baked using eggs from our hens. We could have book club evenings, film nights (only black and white of course ...) and who knows what other cosy get togethers ... ho hum ...

Of course its not going to happen is it? But I can dream ...

From that sundrenched afternoon of happiness things seemed to go slightly downhill. Not terribly, mind you, but enough to give me a penchant for wine and and quite a sore throat from yelling at my boys. As you may know, my boys are teenagers now. They somehow managed to change from mild mannered, golden boys to rather hairy and often quite grumpy young men in the blink of an eye. I wonder when it happened sometimes. People tell you to make the most of when they are little because it doesn't last long and you nod sagely whilst thinking how ridiculous a thing to say. But of course its true ...

One minute they are snuggling up for a bedtime story and the next they are slumped on the sofa in only their underpants and the entire contents of a tin of Lynx.

Despite my earlier post revealing my plans for my son's revision things didn't go quite as planned. Despite getting an A for his maths and a B for chemistry he managed to get a U for Biology and has spent the week revising for a resit. Or should I say he has spent the week avoiding doing revision. I think that I could probably get an A if I sat the paper now as I have been the one doing most of the studying. I have made him sit with me going over the paper again and again.

Did you know that if they fail end of year exams they get given their paper back, complete with all the correct answers for the retake? To fail a resit you have to be either totally stupid because you just don't understand the questions or answers ... or totally stupid because you don't sit down and learn them. I can now tell you about the nitrogen cycle and how to clone a pink iguana ... two skills I never thought would enter my life. We shall see if the child has passed or not next week.

It never ceases to amaze me how selfless parents are. Even I, who am not a natural parent, being of a more selfish and self-absorbed disposition than the average mother, find myself putting myself last when it comes to my boys. From the moment my first son was born I found myself doing things like change his nappy, feed him ... before I did things for myself, like lie down before I fainted from the pain of a cesarean  I remember the awful moment when I realised that nobody else was going to look after this little bundle of pinkness ...

Even though I would rather sit slumped infront of a black and white film with a glass of merlot and a bowl of sweet chilli crisps, I find myself heading off in all weathers to watch football in weather as horrid as this ...

Last night was one of these evenings. The weather had changed from balmy bliss to something akin to the Siberian Wastes. Although we have entered the second week in May, MAY  I was wrapped in a ski jacket, scarf, gloves and woolly hat. Even then I was freezing cold, soaked to the skin and losing the will to live.

I do realise, reading this back, that my enthusiasm for motherhood would appear to come a poor second to my liking for wine, cake and generally sitting about having a good chat with friends. This would probably be an accurate appraisal of the situation. But, let's face it, I still do all the right stuff, don't I? I may not like it, but I do sit down and work out revision timetables. I do stand on touchlines watching endless hours of mindnumbing ( obviously purely because of the weather ...) football. I do cook and clean and get up at the crack of dawn to ... well ... to have some time to myself actually. 

So ... its important to be able to do that ... have time to yourself. The realisation of that truth was one of the things that helped me get through my PND. You can't just be a mum all the time ... for me that way lies madness. 

My week has ended as it began ... almost. With friends for lunch, sadly indoors as the weather was so blowy today, but still warm and enjoyable, just like the afternoon at the tearoom. I love cooking for friends ( or just opening packets of cold meat, salad and cheeses, ok, ok like I did today...) An afternoon spent with like minded women who make me smile prepares me for any grumpiness the boys can sling my way. Come on fellas ... I'm ready for you!

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xxx