Wednesday 11 February 2015

My career in Musical Theatre is Over.

I have just returned from singing in my Community Choir. I love the choir and, for someone who spent most of her life miming in any given singing situation, I am singing with all my heart for the first time. We sing a range of music, from musicals to Coldplay and from hymns to African anthems. It is heart warming and confidence giving. Before joining choir I had only ever sung infront of my husband and children, or possibly my neighbours in a 'merry' karaoke session.

So, when our choir mistress told us that we were going to be singing a medley from Les Miserables, my favourite musical, I was thrilled! In my mind I was Fantine, or Eponine... Buoyed up by the other voices in the choir I had the voice of a West End star... well, maybe West End chorus... And then she asked for volunteers for solo parts....

It is a terrible trait of mine that I have an itchy arm. If anyone asks for a volunteer I am there. Need a secretary for your PTFA? I'm your woman. Need someone to go first or sit in the front row of a meeting? Yup. I'll be there. Need someone to sing solo? Yup. I can do that... Idiot.

I volunteered to sing "On My Own". What on earth was I thinking?? Mary, Mother of God...

Samantha Barks photo courtesy of fanpop.com
I have avoided my solo for weeks now as we have worked on other songs, worked our way through Les Mis. And tonight was the night I had to do it. As I write this my stomach is churning with the total gut wrenching embarrassment of having sung, badly, very badly infront of 40 other people - some of whom are very good singers indeed.

I was overcome with nerves and was truly awful.

Part of me is very proud that at least I had the guts to stand up and sing, but a much bigger part of me never wants to do it again. If I do things I want to do them well and I think I can honestly say that I do not have a solo voice. It was excruciating. Although I think I can safely say that if any theatre group is looking for a woman who can sing not only out of tune, but out of time as well... I am their woman.

I couldn't look at anyone when I was done and there was only a polite silence. My two friends were very very kind, giving me hugs afterwards and telling me my voice had a lovely tone, but oh dear... 

I think I need to get out of this. I have given it a shot, failed and now need to make a quick exit. For me, a career in musical theatre is over. I am not pretending I was bad in order to get compliments... I seriously was bad. Only a decline into extensive drug use that rendered me insensible to my abilities or lack of ability can change my decision to back out of this. Call me a coward if you like, but I cannot put myself or the other choir members through that again.

Right. I'm off to pour myself a gin.

6 comments:

jenikya said...

Hmm. They should also be responsible as there should have been rehearsals so the issue could have been addressed without too many bad feelings

Sarah Pellew said...

There are no bad feelings Jenikya. I can hold a tune, but when I had to sing infront of people, alone, the nerves kicked in and I was awful. Its not a problem. You live and learn don't you? I'm glad I tried, am sad I wasn't brilliant and will now move on!! x

Tracy said...

Fair play to you that you went out there and tried, Sarah. You won't be the first to be affected by nerves..are you sure you can't work on it? Perhaps next time you could imagine them sitting there in their underpants. ;) X

Sarah Pellew said...

Hi Tracy! The underpants thing is a possibility! My choir mistress is trying to persuade me to do it, maybe as a duet with my friend... I not convinced!! We'll see. I just want to go to choir and enjoy it!! Thanks for reading! x

Stella Branch said...

Well done for giving it a go. I'm quite happy to sing at home, belting out all sorts, but in front of an audience? I think not. Mind you...I was on stage in the Blues Brothers show...but that's another story :-P

Sarah Pellew said...

Intriguing Stella!! x