First They Came - Pastor Martin Niemoller
First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me
I have held this poem in my head for many years. It sums up, to me, how I should lead my life. I never wanted to be that person who crossed over to the other side of the street and did nothing to help.
Recently I have questioned whether I should live my life by this tenet.Part of me, a big part, thinks yes, of course you should, whatever it takes. Another part has started to wonder if maybe I should keep my head below the parapet, look the other way and leave it for others to act.
Maybe I am just a busy body? Maybe I am not the person I have always believed myself to be? Someone commented on my blog the other day and said I should be less judgemental. Am I judgemental? I never thought I was ...
As a child I kept very silent about things. I did not want confrontation and it was only in my twenties that I had the courage to speak out, even to argue with people. It took me a long time to have the courage to speak out in my own life and say "Stop". I'm not implying here that I have any deep dark secrets - I don't. But I struggled with shyness when I was younger and I was afraid to upset people by disagreeing with them. I spent much of my school life wearing my hair in the same style in case changing it would stop people from liking me ... so you see, I wasn't the most confident of children!
But now that I am an adult, heading towards fifty, I have experienced situations that have left me bruised and vulnerable emotionally. I know that in my life I have always thought about the poem above and tried to do the right thing. But has "doing the right thing" (in my opinion) actually been the right thing to do? How bad does a situation have to be before you should speak up? How unhappy does a person have to be before its alright to say "Enough!" ?
Other people have opinions and are not afraid to state them. I try to consider other people's situations before I get involved and I try to look at something from every side. I try to stand in the other person's shoes and try to approach life with humour and kindness. At least I thought I did. I have thought that I was kind and that I was a nurturer. Recently people have made me feel that I am not.
One of my greatest fears has been to find out that actually I am just a weirdo - someone that other people tolerate, but don't really like. Recent events have stripped me of my self confidence and made me question everything I hold dear. I question myself and my view of life and then a moment later I pull myself up short and tell myself to be strong, be confident in my beliefs and actions. I always thought that doing the right thing would be appreciated, but now I realise that sometimes you are just seen as a monumental pain in the backside - a self righteous prig.
Is that what I am? A self-righteous prig? Do I have an over-inflated opinion of myself? Am I actually a complete pain in the backside?
I don't know any more. I'm not fishing for praise here. I genuinely feel lost. The vast majority of , actually all my friends and family have been supportive, kind and encouraging whenever I have asked their opinions on actions I have taken, posts I have written. But are they just being nice? Its easier to just say nothing, isn't it - just pat someone on the head rather than tell them " Actually, no, you' are a pain in the bum" ?
I can only hang on to the fact that I know the difference between right and wrong and when I see something wrong I am not the sort of person to turn away and say or do nothing. If I make a mistake I am the first to put my hand up and admit that I have done something wrong. If I offend someone by my opinion I feel uncomfortable and want to apologise. Right now, though, as I say, I feel lost. I am doubting the person I thought I was. I want to run away and hide. Bury myself under my duvet and never come out.
