Friday, 27 June 2008

Looking in from the outside...

I don't know if maybe I am suffering from a surfeit of hormones, but I feel a little sad today. I have spent the afternoon alone and although this is something I would normally enjoy, today I have not. I have felt a bit lonely recently...and this is probably my own fault really. I am very happy in my own company, to be honest, and am quite lazy when it comes to friendships.

A lot of my friends do not work. They spend their days either with their younger children or out running, having lunch, coffee or organising fundraising events. Because they don't have a schedule they are flexible with their time and so spend time together. I am not flexible. My man works weird hours, I work 20 hours a week.

I feel sometimes like the sparrow that hops about on the outside of a picnic. I grab the odd crumb from the table, but am never really one of the real participants. I can only blame myself , if there is anyone to blame. I have always been a bit of a loner... never initiating friendships or events. I remember as a child my mother asking if I wanted to invite friends home for tea. I never did.

Before you start to think that I am some odd, loner type... I hasten to add that the friends I have are lovely. I enjoy their company and like them very much. I am just not good at being a good friend back to them. I feel that, after a while, they realise that I am taking, not giving. In the end they realise that they prefer the company of people like themselves... not people like me. Me.

This is sad to admit, but I don't really know how to go about it all. What am I doing wrong ? Its pretty lame, but at the age of 44 I still feel like a child sometimes... wandering about on the fringe, never quite part of the gang.

I am glad that I have my neighbour... she knows me so well and loves me anyway. I am not afraid to be completely honest and open. I don't have to compete to see who has the biggest house, the brainiest brain, the kindest heart. And I suppose that's what real friendship is.

1 comment:

Margot said...

Yes, real friendship is - I think - just being able to be with the other no matter who or what or how the other is. Just accepting it all...

I know the feeling you describe, I am exactly the same. A loner. I don't know where it comes from but I even need the fact that Hubbie leaves on weekends to play all around Europe. Sometimes, when he hasn't travelled for a long time I even feel like buying him a train ticket, just to be alone one little day... I need it but sometimes I loath it too. I have these moments of loneliness too when I realize my phone doesn't ring a lot. I have a couple of true loyal friends who know that if they don't hear from me for a while, it doens't mean I don't think about them but most people can't stand that well and stop trying.
I hope the feeling will not linger too long and that you will feel quite well and at peace soon.