Saturday, 22 November 2008

Do I dare to dream .....

I feel quite sad that I am hiding my profile, because I know that a lot of people find me that way. For example, if someone is reading a blog that I follow and decide to click on my link, they will come up against a stony " this profile is private " page. At least I know that my friends and friends of friends will still find me. I know that people actually reading what I write isn't that important, but the relationships I have built up over the years are important to me.

Anyway, today I have felt generally grumpy. I went to bed last night feeling sooooo tired. Not just physically, but mentally too. I had a day off today and could not believe my eyes when I woke up and the clock read, wait for it.... 11.15am !!! And I still could have slept for longer. But the boys were up and wanting this that and the other.

There are days, and this was one where I... and you are going to hate and despise me for this... but I can't stand having children. There, I have said it. Of course I love them and without them my life would be empty, destroyed... but some days.... They just want stuff all the time. They wander round my house wantonly destroying everything they touch, making noise and dropping rubbish wherever they pass. Aaaaaaagghhhh!!!!!

I sat at the end of today and realised that my whole day had revolved around them. I had done nothing ( granted, except sleeping in to a dreadfully lazy time ! ) for me. They had sucked me dry of all energy and pzazz. And then it came to me. I am going to finish my Degree.

I have been toying with the idea for some time, but today I actually wrote a letter to my old University with a cheque, and asked for copies of the transcripts of my work so I can complete my Degree at the Open University perhaps. I began my Degree ( in History of Art ) in 1983 and although I did well for the first 2 years, I was miserable. My dream of University life was very different to the reality and I spent a lot of my time alone and in tears. When I look back I think that I probably had a bit of a break down. Although I tried to get help from my tutor she was incredibly unhelpful. I passed all my exams at the end of the summer term in Year 2, but was so unhappy at the thought of going back to start Year 3 that my Dad said " You know, you don't have to go back, Sarah " So I didn't.

For 20 odd years I have had no regrets about that decision. I met my Man and led a fantastic life because I left. But I think that if a child of mine was struggling in a similar situation I would try and get help. Maybe I could have swapped courses, taken a year out, talked to a counsellor. I only had a year left to do and it wasn't the course work that was hard, it was the loneliness.

I fulfilled my dream of running the London Marathon this year. How good would it feel to actually finish my Degree that I began 25 years ago ? Its not about getting a high flying job, its about closure for me, a proof that I am worthy. And maybe, just maybe, I could be more than what I am at the moment. My good friend GB1 is training to be a teacher right now as a Graduate. I am so proud of her and she has made me dare to dream that perhaps I could do the same.

I don't know. I would imagine that all this will probably come to nothing.But right now I need to try. Its strange because as I write this the tears are rolling down my cheeks. I realise how fragile I am in many ways, how little belief I have in myself and how little I actually like myself a lot of the time. Maybe its just as well that not as many people can find me now.


FarmWife said...

I tried to comment last night, but Evil Blogger hates me.

I do not hate or detest you for wishing your children away. Last night I would happily have packed my horrid little beasts off to a Swiss boarding school for the next ten years. I'm only hoping they all stumble out of bed much happier today. I don't think I can handle another grumpy day like yesterday.

And I think it's wonderful that you are going to finish your degree! That is very admirable!!

Gail said...

Do not be ashamed...every one has that feeling at least once a day!

So proud of you deciding to go back to college. If you do nothing with it except hang the diploma on the wall, you Can say I did this.

You are very worthy. You have made me smile many times.

Have you thought that God may be changing your direction?

emily said...

I think you're fantastic.

(i could say more, but i'll leave it at that.)