Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Did you think I was nice? Think again.

I am feeling frustrated tonight. I can't really write exactly as I would want on to on here because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but the whole situation with my FIL is driving me insane. He moved about 18 months ago to be closer to us and since then he has taken a downward route in the way of independence and health.

It culminated with him suffering about 4 falls in 2 weeks and he was admitted to hospital. He was there for 3 weeks. On the Thursday the care worker in charge of him told us that he definitely could not be discharged because he couldn't cope.On the Friday he was discharged. No care package was put in place.

After spending yesterday afternoon on the phone my Man discovered that the social services department had him down as a) living with us b) capable of caring for himself.Wrong on both counts.The lack of communication is staggering.Today a social worker came out to assess him and was shocked at the fact that he had been discharged. My Man seems to be doing a massive amount to help him, along with his brother.They go there every day, cook for him, get him to take his tablets. They are getting no concrete help from the medical services. The other brother has been to visit once.

So, we are left with an 82 year old man who doesn't know what day it is, doesn't cook, doesn't clean, doesn't wash and falls over when he tries to stand up.The NHS is like a giant dinosaur that doesn't know its elbow from its... My Man is beginning to look ill. The reason he is doing most of the work and caring is because he is around during the day. He is around during the day because he works nights. He is supposed to be sleeping during the day.

His father will not do anything to help himself. He phoned up from hospital to ask them to bring him biscuits.He dosn't eat healthily and only eats cooked food when my Man or his brother cook it for him. I am so frustrated by the whole situation.The social services have decided his discharge was an "unsafe discharge" , but are spending their energy avoiding blame.Meanwhile my Man is heading for an early grave.I am doing my best to support him, but it is taking every bit of strength I have, as all I can see is the absolute unfairness of the way his father is treating him.And he is not that senile. He has been looked after all his life... first by his mother, then his wife and now us.

I am so filled with anger and guilt that has nowhere to go.Anger because this old man is taking over and destroying our lives. Guilt that I should even feel that way.I should be kinder, more tolerant, but I have known this man for 22 years and I can see what he is doing and why he has come to this state. I feel like I am going to explode, but I know that I have to control my anger and give my Man all the love and support he needs and that means not letting him know how I feel about his dad. Looking from the outside in I can see his dad sucking the life blood from him without a second thought. There, I've said it.


Gail said...

Oh, you poor girl. I know, I know. Den's mom was the same way. Bev stayed with Dad and Mom 24 hours a day. Marcy and I took over on the weekends. We forget how hard it is to be the caregiver. It is more difficult than being the sick one.
Run your frustrations off or shout to the sky when no one can hear. Your mate needs you most of all at this time. Stand with him and there will be no guilt.

Kelly Hudgins said...

Are we all in the same boat, or what?


Sarah said...

Gail and Kelly, I am so touched by your comments - more than you could know. I went to bed last night worrying whether I had done the right thing writing what I had.I half expected to find comments telling me that I should get on with it and stop feeling sorry for myself. So I feel so heartened by your support.I don't know what I would do without my friends, you.Sarah xx

FarmWife said...

I think you have every right to feel hurt, worried, and angry. It is so frustrating to see the people we love hurt by the people who should love them. I could write a book on my in-laws, but that wouldn't help.

I hope & pray things get ironed out for your FIL so your husband can get the rest he needs! In the meantime, I'm proud of you for standing by him & supporting him when you'd rather scream!

And since blogger keeps eating the comments I leave you, I love the table you posted pictures of. It's breathtaking! What a special thing for your son to have!!

Sarah said...

Thank you Farmwife. You are lovely. S

Kork said...

Sarah - you have all the right in the world to have your feelings of anger, and hurt and frustration! Denying them and bottling them up is what causes issues.

We'll be praying for you and your Man, and his Dad, and brothers...that somehow, someone from the Health System will be able to find a better way for you, and SOON!

In the meantime - hang in there...keep on loving him, and doing that which you and the boys can to make his life brighter and better!

Sarah said...

Thank you Kork. S xx

trixie stix said...

Breath in . . . breath out. Know that you have to find peace in your life. The only way to peace is to address your feelings. Since you put them out there, know that we are hear to listen.