Monday, 20 April 2009

My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains my sense.......John Keats.

I found myself in a sudden melancholy this evening. It came from nowhere and now all I want to do is bury myself in bed with a big plate of chips and cry.Why does this happen? The straw that broke the camel's back was my son and his trumpet - a silly spat over a musical note. I went crashing into the kitchen, banging cupboards and crockery for all I was worth. Along the way there were little things like.... other people being able to go off on holidays abroad, me feeling worthless,a compulsory meeting at work tomorrow...

None of it really is enough to push me over the edge, but over I went, screaming inside and generally miserable. There are just days when life is too much. Even writing that it sounds pathetic... What do I have to be miserable about?? Nothing. We both have jobs. We are all healthy. What more do I need?

I think it must just be seratonin levels. Too much? Too little? I don't know.I know it will get better. I'll probably wake up tomorrow feeling great, but right now I feel sad and useless. I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I want to .... I want to....I don't know what I want.

Thank goodness I have my blog. I can type this stream of consciousness and rid myself of some of the pent up emotion I am feeling. And I know that when I come back here tomorrow there will be someone who has read this and sent me love and understanding without condition in my comment box and that will make me smile and feel better about life and the people out there in the world.

I think I will go and read my book and try to take my mind off all this silliness.


Gail said...

If it helps, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up either!

I am with you, for no apparent reason, the blues sweep over me and try to drown me like a ocean wave. I can't breath but I still do not want to fight the pull of the undertow.

This, too, shall pass, a shared load is always lighter and my personal favorite, get over it! I tell myself that all the time but it does not help, because self is not listening to me.

Hang in there, you got my email!

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't worry about it too much but try to go with it - sometimes it's ok to feel a bit shit cos sometimes things just are!

I often just feel a bit down; even though, on paper, everything is fine. People can't be in a constant state of happiness & elation - plus you have a lot to do! x

trixie stix said...

Television plants these unrealistic versions of humans as always happy go lucky in our mind. They poison us with unnatural versions of ourselves that only money can fix. If you're not happy then buy this or purchase that so all will be well. Unfortunately, "real-life" isn't like TV. So like Urban Cynic said, sometimes it's ok to feel a bit shit. Just know that your friends (even your virtual ones) and family love you. And if you’re not feeling better, you could always knit! :-)

PS - if it helps, my doctor told me today that increasing your intake of vitamin D has shown to improve mood levels.

Elise said...


Nothing ever stays the same. Not even the difficult days. So there is always hope that soon you'll be feeling optimistic. If you have a look at my blog, read the piece about the dancer Alina Cojocaru. She's had a really rough year, and dancers are tougher and more resilient than almost anyone else I know.

In fact, I think it's a ballet you need to cheer you up.

Have a think - close your eyes in a quiet moment and picture yourself sitting in the theatre, with the lights dimming and the curtain about to go up. What do you imagine would be behind the curtain ?

Sarah said...

Thank you ,ladies. I know its really rather pathetic to go online and mope, but its sometimes better to do that than lay it all on my husband!I have tried hard to get it together and hopefully the hormones are retreating, with the help of industrial quantities of wine and Willie's chocolate. Well.... actually it just took some sunshine and seeing my son win at tennis! But I do appreciate your thoughts.And Elise, welcome, I love your blog and one of these days I may well treat myself to some ballet. The last time I went was to the Royal Opera House for Sleeping Beauty.A joy, and I wish I was more knowledgable. Hopefully your site will help me.

Anyway, for now, thank you all and see you soon.