Sunday, 19 July 2009

Little girl lost feelings...

You know, there are days when I feel like the most useless person, like a weirdo that nobody really likes, like a person on the outskirts who other people put up with, but would rather just went off and did something else. Today is one of those days.

I went to play football, to prepare for the big match next week. The team list was given out and I am on the bench. Although I can think of lots of reasons for this and can try and talk myself into being cheerful about it all... I am actually gutted. There are 11 in the team and they have drafted in 2 blokes as well, so my place, and that of my friend who is also new, have been taken by them.

It just takes me back to all those times at school when I was the last one to be chosen for teams. Obviously, I didn't say anything, cos that's not what you do, but I just had the biggest lump in my throat. This has been an emotional weekend, what with my youngest leaving Primary school and me being hormonal too, but this was just one of those things that made me feel unloved, unwanted and ready to quit. Which, I might add, I am not going to do.

I had a good chat with my friend, who is also distantly related ( not that that's got anything to do with the price of eggs) and who is also a sub next week, and we are both feeling the same. We feel that the other girls all know each other really well and have played together for ages and so we don't fit in. We feel like a bit of a burden, like they put up with us.

Well, they need to see that I am not a bad player. I scored 4 goals today and was in some good positions, whereas they tend to wander all over the place. I am not going to give up.

Isn't it annoying though, when you are 45 and you still feel like a little girl lost, who nobody likes. I am just very glad I have my boys and my Man. We are a unit and we love each other and everyone else can just go jump in a lake. As my eldest son said yesterday " Mummy, we are rich in love and as long as we have each other, that's all that matters" Maybe I should take a leaf out of his book.


Anonymous said...

You should definitely take a leaf out of your son's book. I am sure most Mums would be gushing for years about such an amazing compliment. The team will find out you are invaluable and you will soon be feeling sorry for the others who have to spend their time on the bench.

Sarah said...

Thank you. My lovely neighbour just came round and basically said the same thing. She is a real friend and your comment has made me feel much better about myself too.

Gail said...

Your son must take after his mother! You will get your day off the bench, hang in there.

Inkling said...

Your son sounds amazing. (I know he drives you nuts sometimes, but I can tell he's got a sweet and good heart. Even if he's not always keen to do his homework. =))

I hear you on this. Is there ever a time when we as women get past the feelings we felt in junior high or high school? The funny thing is that more women than I realized feel like this, though they won't usually admit it unless given a really safe space. I found that out on a retreat last year - one that I didn't want to attend, but gutted through it and ended up really being surprised. Even the "popular" girls felt insecure and worried, though they were way better than me at covering it up and acting brave. Made me realize we are really all similar in that struggle.

If you were on my team, I'd want you to be captain. And with that said, I love your picture on your profile here. It's lovely, and it makes me wish even more that we didn't have a big old pond between us and a tea time.

Elise said...

Look at all the other things you accomplish Sarah.

And your to-do list is one of the longest I've heard of.

Don't beat yourself up - you have the fighting spirit and - remember what we girls always say to the blokes - "it's only a game" !!

Hope you got my note about your drawings ?

Elise said...

Hi Sarah,

I posted on my blog in reply to your earlier comment and then realised that - doh ! - I should have posted here so you'd see it !

It's been a long day, what can I say ?

It's incredibly generous of you to take the time to do this - please do post them on your blog - I think they should be here because it's a great skill you have.

If you let me know what sort of credit you want etc then I will copy them across (if that works) in time for my first interview.

Thank you ! Am really excited to see them !