You know, there are days when I feel like the most useless person, like a weirdo that nobody really likes, like a person on the outskirts who other people put up with, but would rather just went off and did something else. Today is one of those days.
I went to play football, to prepare for the big match next week. The team list was given out and I am on the bench. Although I can think of lots of reasons for this and can try and talk myself into being cheerful about it all... I am actually gutted. There are 11 in the team and they have drafted in 2 blokes as well, so my place, and that of my friend who is also new, have been taken by them.
It just takes me back to all those times at school when I was the last one to be chosen for teams. Obviously, I didn't say anything, cos that's not what you do, but I just had the biggest lump in my throat. This has been an emotional weekend, what with my youngest leaving Primary school and me being hormonal too, but this was just one of those things that made me feel unloved, unwanted and ready to quit. Which, I might add, I am not going to do.
I had a good chat with my friend, who is also distantly related ( not that that's got anything to do with the price of eggs) and who is also a sub next week, and we are both feeling the same. We feel that the other girls all know each other really well and have played together for ages and so we don't fit in. We feel like a bit of a burden, like they put up with us.
Well, they need to see that I am not a bad player. I scored 4 goals today and was in some good positions, whereas they tend to wander all over the place. I am not going to give up.
Isn't it annoying though, when you are 45 and you still feel like a little girl lost, who nobody likes. I am just very glad I have my boys and my Man. We are a unit and we love each other and everyone else can just go jump in a lake. As my eldest son said yesterday " Mummy, we are rich in love and as long as we have each other, that's all that matters" Maybe I should take a leaf out of his book.