Sunday, 12 June 2011

Someone shut me up - pathetic woman alert!!!

You would think that by the age of 47, which is my age now, I would have learnt to be a tad more self confident and rather more able to keep my mouth shut in situations of stress... Sadly though it would appear that I am as incapable now as I was when aged 13 to keep my thoughts to myself.

I feel sorry for my friends and my husband who have to put up with my whining, self pitying drivel.The occasion that spurs me to whine some more, but this time on my blog rather than out loud, is a party I went to last night. I came away feeling ashamed of how I behaved.

Don't get me wrong ... I didn't drink and end up making a fool of myself ... I just acted in a way that a 47 year old ... shouldn't. I suppose its my innate lack of self confidence and self belief that causes it. And my inability to keep my mouth firmly closed. I arrived and spent the first 10 minutes moaning about how I hated parties like this because I never knew what to say ...  and about how the place was 'full of grown ups'.

I look back and think that perhaps somebody should have, at that point, pulled me outside and given me a slap. Nobody is interested in me rambling on about my inadequacies ( ironic that I am again writing about them, but hey, you can always click away can't you??!!) and I should just learn to bite the bullet and get on with it.

The younger people in our party were a prime example of lovely, well mannered guests who spent their time being interested in everyone else. I, on the other hand, was a walking, talking neurotic idiot. I think I just want people to say , 'But, Sarah, we all hang on your every word - you are thrillingly interesting and we love you...' Please excuse me while I vomit discreetly.

The party was lovely. The people were kind and friendly and just generally nice folks. I couldn't stay long as it was, but as I walked away to my car I just felt like a mug. Why oh why do I still feel like this at my age?? My husband is getting excited at the thought of us having a joint 50th birthday party and I am dreading it. The thought of being the centre of attention, of having to talk to people on a large scale, of worrying whether people are enjoying themselves ...

Good grief, but this is pathetic. Perhaps I am hormonal, but I am sick of feeling this way, sick of being so weak and wobbly. I am not shy - I am confident in lots of ways, but I hate parties. I hate feeling that people are only talking to me because they have to for my allocated 5 minutes, and then they will move on, relieved, to someone more interesting. I hate the fact that last night I let myself down by being so needy. I am a very honest person - I cannot lie to save my life, but there are times when you just need to keep your mouth shut. Nobody is interested in how uncomfortable I feel at parties and by droning on about it I make them feel uncomfortable too.

So, if you see me at a party and I start to moan and drone and generally rabbit on with unsuppressed self indulgence ... please, for the love of God ... tell me to shut up.


Razmataz said...

I'm not big on parties with strangers, especially when I was a stay at home mum, I seemed to lack things "of interest" to say. But I have a formula that works every time. People love to talk about themselves. Just ask them a question about themself and they will fill in the blanks, pauses and awkward silences. Go prepared with a few standard questions. 1. How do you know the host 2. Have you read any good books lately. 3. Are you children involved in any activities (watch out for that one) or even something mundane like "I love your haircut, where do you have your hair done". Once the conversation opens, a hundred new questions will be presented to you. I find this a great way to sort through the people I am interested in as some will never ask you a thing about yourself in return and those are the Self Absorbed ones. The ones I like to connect with are the ones that progress to a two way banter and are Self Aware.

My mother dreaded parties and even wanted to forgo a funeral for my dad to avoid having to host one.

Lo said...

When I had my ceramic studio people were always dropping in for a chat and I was in agony because I felt I had noting to say. So, in self defense I simply let them talk and asked them questions about themselves.

In no time there was a line around the block to get in.....One of the greatest lessons I ever learned.

I hate parties too, but Razz above got it right....just query and listen.

Urban Cynic said...

I'm not good at parties as I'm not particularly interested in meeting strangers (chatting on here is altogether different)

The trick is to ask lots of questions & to get them to talk about themselves instead of the focus being on you - or you could just bullshit everyone & have fun making up lies about your life.

Just keep in mind that one day we're all going to be pushing up daisies so who cares what the daisy next to you thought? Most people are thinking the same as you so just be the enigmatic silently confident one instead. It's all just smoke & mirrors my friend - life is an illusion. x

sarah at secret housewife said...

Thank you! I think I must have had a melt down. I always aim to follow exactly the advice you have given.People always love talking about themselves and I am always far more interested in talking with them about them. Its just that this time I was crazy for a night!! I am feeling much better now and have decided never to allow such a night to happen again! 'Think about other people and don't bore them with my own problems' will be my suitable if unwiedly motto from now on!! Sarah x