Go Away Little Voice ...

Its Sunday morning and I am sitting in my pink, fluffy dressing gown at the kitchen table. Having read a few blogs I am now continuing to avoid any actual physical work by writing this ...

I don't know why it is that I have a gnawing feeling of guilt that I am doing nothing productive ... after all its not as though I've signed some sort of contract to be busy at all times, providing nourishment for my children or polishing various pieces of dusty furniture. I think it may be some sort of genetic failing present in most women. For some reason we feel that it is our mission in life to cook, clean, care for, organise ...

Luckily I don't seem to have the full on, OCD type gene. I may have the feeling of guilt when I sit down and do nothing but write, or read, but I don't actually do anything about it. I am aware of a small voice in the back of my head at this very moment telling me "Sarah, you really ought to get dressed and do some washing, or go to the allotment, or tidy your bedroom, or clean the fridge ..." But fortunately I have the strength of mind to ignore that voice and continue typing.

I think that I may well be part of a new generation of women who are moving on from the persistent necessity to clean, cook and generally skivvy about for their family. Or, of course, I could just be a rogue lazy cow.

I remember the very first time I heard that little voice in my head telling me to do something I would have preferred not to do. It was when my first son was about a day old. I had given birth by emergency cesarean and the whole experience had been a far cry from the dream of aromatherapy oils and shangrila I had hoped for. I recall him lying in his clear plastic, hospital cot crying and I knew he needed his nappy changing. I, on the other hand, needed a lie down as my operation scar was killing me and I felt faint. It dawned on me at that moment that there was nobody else around who could help this little baby and that this was my job now.

I think it was the very first time I had ever done something for someone else when really I needed to just go to bed and pull the covers over my sweaty, pain racked brows. I think it was then that the realisation of motherhood and all it meant, hit me. "Fuck"

It has been a long and slow recovery. For the first few years of motherhood I truly believed that I was the only one who could do right by my children and this belief resulted in a combination of huge resentment and an enormous amount of homemade produce. I lost count of the number of cakes I baked, sweet potatoes I mashed and poured into ice cube trays, or curls of hair I framed. (ok I admit that does sound a tad Hannibal Lecteresque ...)

Looking back there was no expectation from anyone but myself that I should do all this. My husband is the most wonderful partner who has no qualms about putting on a load of washing or ironing his own shirt for work. But that gene was rampant in my DNA.

It has taken time, but I now realise that what I do with my life is up to me. If I don't want to hoover my lounge then I don't have to. If I want to spend my day at the allotment, or not, then I will ... or won't. The world will not collapse if we have beans on toast for dinner rather than a three course, organic feast and if my son tells me he is not hungry at lunchtime then so be it. He is old enough to get himself some toast in an hour if he gets peckish then.

Does that make me a bad mum? I don't think so. I think it makes a happier, more relaxed, fully rounded person. I have learnt to ignore that pesky voice telling me that I have to do things. I don't have to do those things right now. They will get done when I want to do them ... or when I tell my boys to do them.

So, I am going to continue sitting here, looking out at my garden and the fence that needs painting. I shall continue to peruse the internet and possibly, in a moment, make another pot of tea.

The Fast Diet continues and the BiBs voting closes ... how exciting!!

Well ... how nice is this?? Its 6.30 on Thursday evening and I am sprawled sitting on my sofa with my laptop - dinner in the oven, son #1 in the kitchen with his maths tutor, son #2 at football with my husband and all is well with the world!! Its very rare to find me able to do this sort of thing - luxury!!

I can now trawl the web to my heart's content, safe in the knowledge that there is a scrumptious chilli in the oven and I am up to date with everything that is important. Obviously I could be, at this very minute, hoovering or dusting or maybe tidying something ... but, for goodness sake!! I'm not Anthea Turner and it will still be there for me to do tomorrow ... or the next day.

Interesting news on the Fast Diet front. I had a bit of a naughty week as far as food went ( although I stayed true to my fast days ) because I had friends over for lunch one day and probably ate my body weight in Boursin, but ... my stats were really rather intriguing. Well ... when I say intriguing they are probably quite dull to anyone not on the Fast Diet, but  I thought I would share them anyway.

Although I put on just under a kilo in weight ( just under 2 pounds) my percentages were very different. My fat percentage went down from 44.9% to 41.7% and my muscle and bone percentages increased. I have definitely lost fat around my middle and I am hoping I have lost internal fat too.

The whole fasting thing has eased into a steady routine and I am able to manage my fast days well. I feel hungry, but it is not unpleasant. I tend to have a cup of tea when I get up, then I don't eat until about 1pm when I have a piece of fruit. I then wait until early evening to eat my 300 to 400 calories. I have bought myself a nice water bottle and am drinking way more water than I have done in years.

I feel so much more alert than I did before. My mind is clear and I can articulate my ideas far better than I did before. This of course sounds ridiculous and it may be purely my imagination, but this is how I feel! I am sleeping better, don't feel bloated and ( probably too much information this ... ) I have started having periods again for the first time in nearly a year. I can see this being a long term way of life.

Its strange that when you mention you are on a fasting diet some people have the reaction that you are mad, its not safe, its a fad. My brother in law, when I suggested he go on it rather than struggle to diet, said that he wanted something sustainable. For me, being on this plan seems far more sustainable than the " being on a diet" plan where you spend your whole time thinking about what you can't eat and what you are going to have for your next meal.. Each to their own though.

This week I have no plans to gorge myself on cheese and my hormones will be back to normal so hopefully next week my weight will be lower again.

On other matters the voting closed in the BiBs Awards. I still can't really believe that I was nominated for a national award. I don't know who nominated me, but if you are reading this ... Thank You!!!! Last year I reached the short shortlist for the video section of the BiBs and I don't think it really hit home how amazing it was to be up there. This year we will all find out who has made it to the top 6 on the 22nd May and I am so excited!! If I make it to the last 6 this time it will mean so much! To have my writing, my blog, recognised by a national award would be incredible. I am not, however, counting any eggs or chickens yet as I am up against some very good blogs. Cross your fingers for me??