Post Natal Depression - I was there.

It seems like a dream to me now ... a nightmare time muffled in darkness and despair. It should have been a time of joy and light and love, but it wasn't and I was ashamed.

Update: I am really sorry, but I have deleted the rest of this post. I have never done this before, but I just don't feel I can have my words on a page that my children might stumble across. I am not ashamed of having gone through PND - it was a dark part of my life that I got through with the help of my family, my friends, my doctor.

My greatest fear through all the misery was that I would damage my boys with my anger and sorrow. The thought that I might hurt them now, by writing about feelings that engulfed me so long ago, is too much of a risk.

I have my original post, but I am not going to keep it on here. I hope that you can understand.

Older Children & getting your life back.

I have just got home from a morning's campaigning at a local shopping parade. Part of having older children now means that I have got my life back. I don't mean that in a horrible way, but really ... how lovely is it to be able to say "I'm just off up to the allotment for an hour" or "I'm going out to get people to sign the petition"  - and be able to pop out leaving the 2 boys happily in the house by themselves?

I remember when I couldn't leave the house without a small trailer attached to my back pack carrying nappies, spare clothes, food, drink, wet wipes ... My life revolved around their meal times and bed times. Now I am free again to indulge in life as I used to know it.

This morning I was part of a team campaigning against a massive new development by a major supermarket chain who I refuse to even name on here. We set up our stall outside a local shopping parade and asked people to sign our petition. I absolutely love doing it. I enjoy meeting new people and, strangely, saying "Good Morning!" to a complete stranger and then getting them to join the campaign is a real pleasure.

I would never have thought a few years ago that I would have the nerve to do that, but now I do. Obviously not everybody says yes to us, but that's fine isn't it? Each to their own. I do find though that when people are given the facts of the matter they tend to be a) shocked and b) willing to fight.

I feel so fortunate to be in this situation now. Not only do I have 2 lovely boys with whom I love spending time, but I also have the chance to do my own thing. When I was struggling in the dark days of PND I never thought that I would get out the other side and bathe in the light of this sort of happiness again. It just shows you that there is life after such things.

Right now my life is so full of 'stuff' ... be it the allotment, study, work, campaigning, family life ... Yes, there are days when I wonder quite why I do so much, but most of the time I count myself so very lucky to have the chance to do it.