Thursday, 8 January 2009

I hate being a horrible mean person... but I am.

I am unsure whether to write this on here, but I am going to as I need to vent a little how I feel and what's happening.If you have read my ramblings more than once you will probably know about my Father in Law. He is in his early 80's and had moved to be in wardened accomodation near us. He did this about 18 months ago now. Since the move he has become less and less independent, more and more forgetful. He has always depended on other people to do everything for him - his mum, his wife and now his son.He thinks only of himself. That's not a nice thing to say, but its true.

My husband has been amazing. He is the youngest of 3 brothers and is constantly helping his dad. He takes him out to lunch, sorts out paperwork, doctor's appointments. You name it, he does it. He has always helped his mum and dad and he does it selflessly, with love.

Recently his dad has gone downhill rapidly. He is like a child in many ways, unable to sort anything out for himself. He phoned at 8am the other morning wanting one of us to take him to the doctor. He is a big man - must be 16 stone (224 pounds ) and there was no way even with 2 of us we could get him down 2 flights of stairs. I sorted out a home visit for him and my Man went round to wait with him for the doctor. It was then he saw the piles of unwashed clothes in the bedroom.

You don't go into a person's private bedroom do you, routinely ? He hadn't noticed before. We knew his dad's clothes were pretty messy a lot of the time, but we had no idea that he hadn't washed anything for weeks... possibly months. My Man brought it all home. We have spent the last few days washing 6 loads of filthy clothes. Awful. And that doesn't count the bed linen and bath mats.

I won't go into all the details of how I feel, but I am not dealing well with this. In fact I can't stand it. I am totally letting my husband down in every way. I have not had a great relationship with my Father in Law over the years. I have tried hard to hide the fact, but my Man knows me too well. He knows how I feel, how I resent his dad and this is not at all what he needs right now. He needs love and support. I just don't know what to do. My Man is my life, but I just cannot make myself feel charitable towards his father. I hate myself for being such a bitch. I know that this is one of those times in life where one has to rise above ones true thoughts and instincts. I know that my Man needs me more than ever, but I am consumed with negativity.

I don't think that I am up to this. It scares me and angers me that this man will come between my Man and me. It is only going to get worse, harder. I should not be thinking about me, but I am. I am impatient, intolerant and selfish. I hope, for my Man's sake, that I can pull myself together and put on a brave front. Unfortunately I wear my heart on my sleeve and that, when you are filled with negative thoughts, is not a good thing. I wish I could be a good kind person, but in this matter I am not and I don't know what to do.


Kork said...

you are NOT a horrible person. Sometimes, it is just difficult to deal with the people that cause our loved ones stress...I know your Man does these things for his father selflessly, but they do add to his burdens, and it is hard to know that someone doing that to him...Harder still to know that it is his own father, and that none of the other sons are able/willing to assist you all.

My prayers are with you that you'll find the strength to be supportive and loving when you don't want to be...but more, that you'll go easy on yourself!

Hugs sent your way...

Sarah said...

Thank you kork. You don't know how much your kindness means to me right now, S

Gail said...

Oh, Sarah, I am here! Rant, yell to the skies, scream into a pillow but don't let this wedge between you and your husband grow!
Ask what do I want? If that answer is your husband, then work on that. All this other s... is just that. It is very difficult when you are loosing a parent. I and my husband have lost both. I had resentment, anger, guilt and depression. Felt like I wasn't important and was forgotten in the jumble. This is normal!
You are a dear, kind, big hearted person who cares very deeply. You just have too much on your plate right now.
What can I do?