Friday, 4 December 2009
Posted by Sarah Pellew
Yet again I have been away from my blog for a long time. And yet again I find my way back to it in a moment when I am at my lowest ebb. I have just walked away from my eldest son before I said something I would regret.Sometimes I cannot stand the way my life is.My husband is away for a few daysafter tonight and I am trying to make this time a good time with my boys, but the eldest drives me insane.Why is he so selfish?Why will he not do what I want?I have no social life. My life is spent working, cooking tidying up and taxiing them to their social lives.I cannot stand it. Tonight I wanted to kill him. I screamed at him. Screamed.I try so hard to be good and kind... to do the right thing for everyone around me.And as I do this my own life is disappearing.I don't go anywhere other than my book club or a tutorial for my course. I have had children for 12 years - from the age of 33 to now...the prime of my life. And for 12 years I have struggled for 80% of the time. I have hated being a mum sometimes and tonight is one of those times when I wish I could just walk away. Of course I won't. I will pour my heart out on here, have a cry and be all smiles when my husband gets back in an hour. I am dreading the next 3 days. He is away with friends, with their band, in a posh hotel and recording studio.I am here, taxiing to football, biting my nails,eating myself up another dress size.I am so miserable at this moment.I am trapped by motherhood and will be for another God knows how long.I hate it.