Friday, 4 December 2009

Back.Miserable.

Yet again I have been away from my blog for a long time. And yet again I find my way back to it in a moment when I am at my lowest ebb. I have just walked away from my eldest son before I  said something I would regret.Sometimes I cannot stand the way my life is.My husband is away for a few daysafter tonight and I am trying to make this time a good time with my boys, but the eldest drives me insane.Why is he so selfish?Why will he not do what I want?I have no social life. My life is spent working, cooking tidying up and taxiing them to their social lives.I cannot stand it. Tonight I wanted to kill him. I screamed at him. Screamed.I try so hard to be good and kind... to do the right thing for everyone around me.And as I do this my own life is disappearing.I don't go anywhere other than my book club or a tutorial for my course. I have had children for 12 years - from the age of 33 to now...the prime of my life. And for 12 years I have struggled for 80% of the time. I have hated being a mum sometimes and tonight is one of those times when I wish I could just walk away. Of course I won't. I will pour my heart out on here, have a cry and be all smiles when my husband gets back in an hour. I am dreading the next 3 days. He is away with friends, with their band, in a posh hotel and recording studio.I am here, taxiing to football, biting my nails,eating myself up another dress size.I am so miserable at this moment.I am trapped by motherhood and will be for another God knows how long.I hate it.

7 comments:

Gail said...

Get a sitter and hit the road with the band!

Don't worry this is not bad, all mothers would like to strangle their children at one time or another. If they say no, they are not being honest.

This too shall pass, I think you are overdue for a me day.

Sophia said...

I think you're being too hard on yourself. All mothers get to the point you are at from time to time. Especially when the children are in their teenage years.

You definitely need some time for yourself. Have them stay with a friend or get a babysitter and go out and treat yourself. :)

Urban Cynic said...

Having no first hand experience (phew) I have no tangible words of widsom I'm afraid- I did read once that teenagers brains go through a stage where they literally can't relate to other people & thus become a complete nightmare.

I remember how I spoke to my parents when I was a teenager; I EXPECTED them to run around after me - after all, they CHOSE to have me & it was my due. I cringe now; most adults bear little resemblance to their teenage self.

You on the other hand deserve a medal or just a break from it all. I've never fancied having children for the exact reasons you have described, it looks like really hard, often unrewarding slog. For ever. I imagine that it's sometimes the most marvelous feeling in the world (indeed you have blog posts that say it is so)

It's brilliant you have this platform to vent, I hope that advice from other mums helps. I would say to try & do things that are essential to their wellbeing & safety & tell them when they're taking the piss though. x

Anonymous said...

thank you so much for your comments, ladies.yesterday was a bit of a melt down for me - a mixture of all sorts of things. I am feeling better today and not so miserable.Your friendship warms my heart.I will post again soon - hopefully in a happier frame of mind.
Sarah
xx

sorry about the anonymous thing - commenting proves tricky sometimes!

Sue said...

Oh this post just broke my heart. My dear, sounds like you need a break, you need a good long run, you need a hot bath with bubbles, you need a glass of wine, you need a big bear hug, you need a good book and cup of tea, you need a fancy dinner with a girldfriend, you need to go to bed early and get a great night's sleep, you need to dream.

It is the hardest job in the world, but just repeat this phrase: this, too, shall pass.

Truer words were never spoken.

Hugs.

Amy Arnaz said...

Sarah,
I'm in the USA and your post is Universal. Every mother feels that way ~ sometimes. To parrot what a previous person wrote ~ any mother who claims differently is not being truthful. It will pass and you will adore your life and your children. Watching your life disappear and taxing children around comes with being a Mom. I raised only one child (a girl) but many of my friends raised multiple children and I believe they deserve medals! So from far away, across the Atlantic Ocean, my voice says: "Hang in there!" xoxo Amy Arnaz

Pug1 said...

Nice music! I'm 5' too!!!! CHEERS! Michele......almost 48!