Monday, 21 March 2011

I want to curl up and cry, then punch you in the eye...

There are days when I want to run away. Days like today when I want to bury my head in a pillow and cry. Don't worry - nothing dire has happened, in fact, yes, I know I am very lucky in every way. But this is my release valve and today I am releasing my steam.

I am sick of treading on eggshells around people, trying to do the right thing and not hurt any feelings. I am sick of having to keep my thoughts and emotions inside.I am trying to do my best - raise my boys, do homework, sort out the allotment, fund raise for Japan, be supportive, not complain, cope with difficult conditions at work. I thought I was doing ok, but apparently not. Apparently I am angry and everyone is stepping on eggshells around me...

So... is it me? It must be. The person who told me this must have grounds... To be told this, however, is a shock and very upsetting. The person who told me didn't seem to realise I was upset. Maybe I hid those feelings well? Maybe they didn't care? When I think about it, yes, I am angry. I just thought I hid  it well. I am angry that I hate my OU course this year. Angry that my children treat me like a glorified slave. Angry that I work in a low paid crap job. Angry that I never see my husband alone. Angry that my life didn't quite work out how I planned it.

But the thing I am most angry about is that despite all these things I carry on doing my best and yet it seems that best is not good enough. It makes me think - why bother? If I talk about my problems to anyone I feel that they are bored, don't really give a stuff. I am expected to listen to other people's problems and be kind, caring, optimistic, but my angst?? Shut up, keep shtum, don't be boring. If I moan about my job then I am being stupid because my job doesn't count... I am 'only a ....'.

So what is my solution? My solution is to go down the allotment and dig for all I am worth, to write cryptically on here and hope nobody I know reads it, to eat myself better with toast and boursin, to cry quietly alone in my room, to lift up my head and keep giving to everyone I know, to think of others who are far worse off than me. I will get over this feeling, but it will leave a little criticism shaped scar in my heart. I am bruised and sad and rejected. I wish I had the courage to scream and criticise people the way they criticise me.

But, you know I am stronger than that. I am better than that. I know that, but right now it doesn't feel that way. Right now I hurt.


Deanna said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I often feel the same way. I have the worst paying job of my life and the economy sucks. Losing my boyfriend brought me to my lowest point in life ever; however, I know I must go on and while I may act like I'm doing fine, there are many times I cry softly in my room as well.

My artwork has definitely been a big help as well as all of the wonderful support I have gotten from my blogging friends. Sometimes letting it all to strangers is more satisfying than talking to a dear friend or family.

Things may look and feel bad right now but they will get better. I hope that you find some peace soon. Maybe a day spent at your allotment will help brighten your spirits. Or at the very least, maybe you can get out some of your frustration. :)

Urban Cynic said...

We all have days like these & the way we deal with them depends on our personality & mood at the time. Most of the time I don't actually give a rats arse what people think about me (only the people I care about)we're all going to be dead at some point so why care what people you don't care much for think about you?

If it is someone who you do care about that said this then you could either ask them why they said that to you (most of the time it's never about you by the way) and maybe tell them that you ARE angry about a lot of things. Nobody is perfect & you can do exactly what you want to do - that's how life works. it's yours to do what you want to.

If you want to be constructive about it, you could write down all the things you'd change if you could then mark out of 10 how happy you are with each thing & how you can practically improve the situation. At least you feel like you're doing something then rather than mulling it over whilst getting more angry.

If the person has a point then see what you can do about it, if they don't... then balls to them. x

sarah at secret housewife said...

thank you so much for your comments.My problem is with someone close to me - I will work it out but I just needed to vent my frustrations.Having dug my allotment with the enthusiasm of a woman demented and having cried down the phone to my sister I feel a bit better.Coming home to read your words really made me feel cared for.Thank you xx


Oh you poor sweet thing. I have three adult daughters who often feel the same way and I'm happy not to be in the working world anymore, instead retired and go at my own pace.
But sometimes people are thoughtless and unkind. Sometimes without even meaning to be.
Put that chin up. You're a lovely young woman with beautiful hair and smile and lots of spunk. Shoot them daggers with your eyes and go about your business. You don't need those who criticize you.
Take care of you. You're a good mom, I can tell by what you write. You're just a good all around person.
Give yourself a pat on the back and move forward.
Blessings today and every day,
Writing: the ups and downs

Inkling said...

I'm sorry you are going through this crap. I too have recently gone through some similar stuff that has ended up so badly that I hired a counselor to talk it through. She recommended this book that sounds lovely called Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by some woman named Anne Katherine, M.A. It's on order, so I haven't yet read it to know if it's at all comforting, but I look forward to seeing if it will help. When I bought it, I also picked a book called The Highly Sensitive Person because it sounded like someone was describing me. =)

Anyway, enough about what I'm doing to try to not feel like rubbish. I hope you have found a way to not let their words cut your heart any more severely. I'm thinking of you today.