Monday, 11 April 2011

jack of all trades and master of none.

Well thank goodness for that. Essay number 5 has been written and sent off. I had to write about the relationship between work and identity in Madame Bovary and The Woman in White. Good grief. After 200 words of a 2000 word essay I had just about said what I had to say. I even had to ask my tutor for an extension and was granted an extra week in which to complete it.

I have crawled my way to the 2000 word target. I have fought all the way in a mire of boredom and disinterest. But I got there. I sent the darn thing off today - 2025 words of drivel. I just wish I could be inspired. I feel that I am working completely alone. You could as well have just sent me the text books and told me to get on with it.

Whereas last year I would look forward to my tutorials and come away inspired this year I sit through them trying not to slash my wrists. We learn nothing of interest or relevance. I question myself really. Obviously my tutor is very learned with a wealth of knowledge - so it must be me. I wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew. I enjoy reading the novels and I understand what the critics are saying, but good grief... It is so dull, with so little relevance to my life.

I have lost all confidence and sit wondering about position of commas rather than depth of content. I could understand my tutor's interest in punctuation if I was a bad writer, but I am not ignorant. I do know when to insert a comma, but my tutor's preoccupation with it rather than in what I am writing has thrown me off track. It is all so frustrating. I have resigned myself to getting a poor mark for this course.

I wonder if I will end up getting a degree which is not really worth having - yet another mediocre attempt by me to succeed at something. Another reminder that I am a jack of all trades and master of none. Maybe I will get a reasonable mark for this essay, but I doubt it. Please forgive my pessimism. I would just like to actually be good at something for once.


Caz said...

Oh my - we are the same! I know exactly how you feel and shared just those sentiments with my husband this morning. I too am struggling through a 2000 word essay on maternity in Frankenstein - very interesting yes, but how the hell do I write 2000 words of interesting? I love reading the books but HATE having to prove myself. My enthusiasm has waned and I don't know if I'll continue. If I don't I'll be down on myself.
Sorry to not be very positive but all I can say is - keep going, look forward to your summer break, (which I'm guessing is coming soon) and recharge those batteries!

Pauline said...

That post took me straight back to where you are now. I got around it by telling myself that to just stick in there and finish the paper would count as success. Getting through the self doubt is often a much bigger challenge than the actual work. And I tried to express my self doubt in words (in my case in a poem) I worked really hard to get the right words, then filed it away. I put self doubt in the filing cabinet, no longer a part of me.

I've just found the poem, I'd called it crippled logic. Here's a few lines that may help:

All those joyous aspirations
packed away from probability,
subjected to crippled logic.

I don't know if any of that will make sense to you or be of any help but I hope so.

Anonymous said...

There's always an essay or a module that's a struggle. Hopefully your next module will be more relevent. Maybe contemporary literature is more your thing. I don't know how anyone copes with the OU, I couldn't cope with the isolation, I am finding the limited contact time of an MA hard enough.

Good luck with the next module xx

Bozena Wojtaszek said...

Oh my, please, you actually ARE good at something. When I first came to your blog I saw an intelligent woman talking about interesting things on a brilliant way. That's why I stayed. It is not in your papers, it is in YOU!!!!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with Bozena and totally feel your pain.. Ugh.. Poor you. At the end of the day, rest assured, you've accomplished something that is good, true and phenomenal. You have been YOU! And we - your followers - love you! :)

sarah at secret housewife said...

Thank you all so much for taking the time not only to visit but to make such lovely comments.You really brought a lump to my throat.I really appreciate how lovely you all are. Thank you thank you thank you. xxx