Monday, 2 April 2012

Why I am not blogging.

I seem to be blogging less and less. When I first started, nobody I knew had any idea that I wrote a blog, but as the years have gone on more and more of my friends, family and work colleagues have discovered my llittle secret. In a way this is nice, but in other ways its kind of limiting. I don't feel I can totally rant about certain things in case I hurt someone's feelings ... Of course there aren't that many times when I would rant as I am far too nice a person to be angry and manic ( yeah, right... ) but these days I do find myself thinking twice before I commit finger to keyboard.

So where does that leave me? Blog posts about my allotment?

I don't think it would be so hard to write if all was rosy in my garden, but right now its not. And my blog has always been the place where I could let off steam, have a moan ... Now I don't want to write stuff that I will get into trouble for writing, or write stuff that will reveal too much ... And yet, at the moment, my life is focussed on a couple of things that I can't get out of my mind. Writing about my potatoes or the latest delivery of manure feels somewhat trivial when compared to what is actually concerning me. The price of fame I suppose!! And its my own fault as I was the one who decided to post the odd blog link on Facebook, or tell people about my scribblings ...

So what's a girl to do? Maybe I should just pour my soul out on here? In the past when I did just that I received comments thanking me for writing about problems we all have. People told me it was good to see that they were not alone in feeling a certain way as I clearly felt that way too.

At the moment I don't feel totally happy with my life. For various reasons. Luckily these things will pass, but as I wait for them to go away, get better, I feel as though I am wading through treacle. I have a lot of support from some good friends and family, but fundamentally I am alone. We all are aren't we really? After all the talking, all the hugs, we are alone in making decisions, coping with emotions and problems. Right now I feel pretty strong. There is a deep down strength which I have not always had and for which, right now, I am very grateful. But its not comfortable feeling this way - waiting for life to be ok again.

I am very fortunate in so many many ways, but I don't like this feeling of uncertainty, of worry. I just have to keep my head down, keep plodding onwards and wait for the sun to come out again.


Elisabeth said...

It can be terribly limiting this self censorship. Of course we need to be wary of what we write and yet to hold back all the time is to destroy your writing. It reminds me of Virginia Woolf who wrote about 'a finger held to the lips' in relation to how much she felt silenced . She could not write as openly as she might have wanted about this like the abuse she experienced as a child. Though in the end she did.

Inkling said...

I know what you mean. I had to take my original blog private, and then more private, and finally turned it into essentially a journal. First it was an unsafe person from my past finding me, and then it was my mom criticizing what I wrote. It was actually freeing to take it private.

I will say that I'm totally looking forward to hearing about your allotment adventures in this new season, though if you are having any weather like we are, I know it's too muddy and cold to do much. We even had a bit of snow yesterday!

Well, my three year old is hollering at me, so I should go. But just know that I wish I were closer so we could have a chat and hang out.

Gail said...

and the sun will shine again. I think you might appreciate the quote on my blog upper right hand corner.

Hang in there, you can handle whatever is going on and come out on top of it. You are strong.

Pauline said...

I think we all have times where we step back from blogging a bit while sorting out our inner turmoils that we don't feel free to talk about here. I know people who hang it all out regardless of who reads it but I'm not able to do that. I have to process things privately, always have. For me discretion is the better part of valour (most times). I wish you well with whatever is bothering you. And I'm always happy to read about your allotment!

Urban Cynic said...

You may remember that I wrote about being in a similar boat a while back. I've found myself blogging less and less. At first it was because I had found someone and was happy so had nothing much to moan about, now it's because people I know read the blog (including my boyfriend) so I don't feel I can say what I like - especially when a lot of it is that I'm finding living with someone, relationships and the compromises that go with them, hard to manage. But now I can't say so!

I've noticed that a few of the original bloggers have disappeared (Kerrie stopped when she got a new job & was happy - maybe people blog when they're unfulfilled?) and I'd miss you blogging as much as I miss her posts.

We could just make our blogs private and send out invites to the readers we want to read it I guess? Or set up a new blog and email each reader to give them the url... it would be great to just say what we think again as they're the posts that are worth reading. Just a thought. x

sarah at secret housewife said...

Interesting comments - thank you. I am certainly tempted to start another blog where I can truly be open - not just to moan on, but to voice worries or problems that I don't want people I know to see or worry about.But then I fear that would make this blog a bit of a sham ... not my true voice, a watered down version ... Still, maybe that is what it is becoming anyway? I might start one ... I'll see.In the meantime I am glad you all keep coming to read my stuff anyway!! Don't go!!! Sarah xxx

sarah at secret housewife said...

Or maybe I could just bite the bullet and not care what other people think? I could talk about my work colleague - how I can't bear her and the way she treats the children, my husband's sulking, my son's emotional problems, the way I feel I'm better than the job I do, but don't know what else to do ... Ho hum.

Kat said...

I was talking to my Dad about the same thing today. Should I come out to everyone and let them know my inner most thoughts or should I stick with the safety of the like minded Mums here in cyber space? The latter I decided. There is no need to tell people what I write. If they are that curious I'm sure the power of google will show them to my door (traitor lol).

Thank you for the wonderful comment you left me today. You are the light at the end of my long, dark and gloomy tunnel. I may just make it out of here alive. Sometimes I feel so guilty about the things I want to say so I dont say them. Maybe I should I don't know. I read last night about a mum who was so distraught she wanted to smother her child. I totally empathised with her. It amazing the effects stress has on people. We all need help and for now you are all saving my sanity, thank you xx

sarah at secret housewife said...

Thanks Kat - I'm so glad I found your blog. You just reminded me of me all those years ago. Being in Blogland is very rewarding - there is such support out there and somehow sometimes the objective words of strangers can help a lot.
My blog was not known to friends or family for a long time which worked well. I may start a side blog ... we'll see. Sarah x

Kat said...

I'm glad you did too! Your comment meant so much, thank you! I have never felt more normal. Having read other blogs and experiences it is so good to know I'm not alone. It is a huge comfort to log on and read a few posts. It has definitely kept me going!
I also wanted to say your art is amazing and I hope you still find the time to do some.
My thing is photography. I started kat sighs view to share my photos but I haven't put any on for a while.
Will be back soon xx

Urban Cynic said...

I too am still undecided about what to do. If I start another blog then all the past posts will be lost, if I make it private then new people will be denied the chance to see my life-changing, pertinent views on life, and if I write what I think then my boyfriend might leave me!

You need to be careful that , like me, you decide to just sit on it, continue to say nothing important and leave it to drift along. If you do start a new blog then you MUST make sure I'm invited - I will hunt you down if you don't! x

Urban Cynic said...

PS - I eventually came to the conclusion that I should just bite the bullet and not care what people think - but in reality I still haven't written those honest posts. I've not written much at all in fact.

A good reason for me to start another blog is that I'm not really as cynical as I thought, and a good reason for you to start one is that you're not unknown!