Saturday, 11 October 2014

Manners cost nothing ... so why are you sending me rude messages?

I'm not sure if I will publish this post. I am afraid that if I publish I will be judged by those who know me or attacked again by the person I received a message from this morning. I have never had anyone be so rude to me for no obvious reason... I perhaps have led a sheltered life!! This morning I received a rude message on Facebook, accusing me of being rude, accusing my husband and I of thinking ourselves better than anyone else.

In the summer, June, my husband and I had a joint party to celebrate our 50th birthdays. We invited friends and family, including people whom we had not seen for years, but who had been part of our lives and whom we liked. I invited this woman and her husband. They came and they bought us a couple of lovely gifts.

I spent the next few weeks sitting at my kitchen table writing thank you letters. On the day after our party I wrote a covering post on Facebook thanking everyone for coming to the party, thanking them for their gifts and saying that I would write to everyone individually. I remember writing to this woman and her husband because I remember exactly what they gave us and I remember what I wrote. I also remember posting the card because I thought about their house and going there years before. Their names are ticked on my list.

I also, I have to admit, did not write to everyone. Some presents did not have tags on and for some people I did not have addresses. To be honest there were a few people who did not get thank you cards. I am really sorry for that.

But I did not expect to wake up this morning to a message asking, with no hello or other greeting (and I paraphrase because I've deleted the message)

"Did you get our gifts because we haven't had a thank you and that's really rude. You and Mr Secret Housewife think you are better than the rest of us. Well I can tell you you're not. You are just rude"

There was no polite ... Hi Sarah ... I know this is silly, but did you get our gifts?  If she had said that I would have replied Yes! Yes I'm so sorry! Did you not get my letter? You must think me so rude. They were lovely!

She went straight into attack mode. I did notice that she sent the message at about 3 in the morning ... but I thought that she would probably wake up and be mortified so I replied with a tentative ... wow.

But no apology came. Just this ... "Manners cost nothing"

I am stunned. Stunned and hurt and amazed that someone I thought liked me could be so hurtful and so unnecessarily aggressive. I am not perfect. Who is? But I do my best to be polite and kind to people. My husband and I don't consider ourselves anything special. My husband is the kindest, most genuine person I know and it makes me furious to have him attacked in this way. I refuse to get involved in a conversation with her and have unfriended and blocked her.

I would love to post her message on my Facebook page so that all our mutual friends could see what a nasty person she is. But I won't name and shame because that would not be the right thing to do. I haven't even posted a link to this post on my blog. I hope one day she realises that she has lost 2 friends who are good people.

I imagine she has harboured this grudge for some time and has probably bad mouthed us to other people. I just hope that the people who know us realise that we are not horrible, ungrateful people. I am not going to say who she is and as far as I am concerned I don't want any contact with her.We are not perfect, but I think when it comes to manners we are edging it on her.


joy said...

How sad. As you say, manners cost nothing, but in her case her really bad manners have certainly lost her a friend. If you are sure that you did all the things you say you have done, then you have nowt to worry about. Move forward and leave this sourpuss behind.x x

Sarah Pellew said...

Hi Joy
It has certainly made me doubt myself. I was so shocked at her vitriol that I have questioned myself all day.There have been times when I have given friends presents and they haven't thanked me, but it hasn't bothered me. I've just enjoyed giving. The thing is that I did send a card, but if I didn't, if I'm going mad and senile, there's still no excuse or reason to launch at me with this sort of anger.
Thanks for commenting hon.xx

Ash said...


Being on the receiving end of that is like being hit but without a fist, so it does hurt. If I was in her place I may have wondered why I had no thank you. If I had been in touch with you i might have dropped the subject in our conversation eg.."hope you liked my present?" and taken it from there. If I wasn't in touch with you, Id forget about it and carry on with life. I don't know much about how valuable your relationship with her is or isn't...but it seems there's a background to that explosion..Still doesn't justify lashing out at another human being like that..May situations resolve themselves and peace prevail...

Have a cup of tea..

Best wishes


Razmataz said...

I think you did the right thing. Deleted and unfriended her. She was very rude. I must say I get a bit pissy if people don't thank me for a gift...but I would never be bitchy like that. Instead I would ask if they received the gift. People are busy, forgetful and well meaning...usually they just haven't got around to it. A tactful reminder is the way to go.

Briella Lane said...

It sounds to me as though this person has problems. I would go so far as to suggest she is depressed. Does she have very little in her life? I know people like that who focus on silly little things because they have nothing else to do and so little things become huge. IGNORE HER. Also feel sorry her (once the anger has subsided.) Chin up. Hell is other people!

Briella Lane said...

I left a message, did you get it or has it mysteriously gone? Basically is was a very supportive message. I suggested you try to ignore it. She is clearly the rude one, I questioned whether she was depressed and/or had very little in her life. Often people who have little with which to fill their time focus on these little things and blow them out of all proportion. Also 3 a.m? She was probably drunk. Ha!

Sarah Pellew said...

Hi Ash
You're right - it did feel like being hit. My heart was thumping as I read it. It made me doubt myself and made me feel so awful for not having said thank you properly to other people - although I had said thank you to her (even tho she didn't get the thanks) I hadn't seen her for years before I asked her to our party and I'm afraid that's the end of any friendship we ever had. x

Hello Razmataz
Yes - I have to admit that I like to receive thanks for gifts, but its not the end of the world if I don't. Its the giving that I enjoy. With this situation I was just so hurt and angry that she went straight for the kill, with no thought that perhaps the thanks could have been lost. The way she launched into very personal insults was awful.x

Hello Briella
Thanks so much for your comment. Sorry not to post it sooner, but I've been out this morning & hadn't checked my messages! I agree with you. Her actions were not those of a friend or of a rational person. And she did leave the message at 3.26 in the morning so I imagine she was rather the worse for wear. All the support , kindness and understanding of the people around me and those who have read my blog far outweigh her nastiness. Thanks again for commenting. x

Sarah x

Angie SilverSpoon said...

Oh...dear poor you, that is not good to wake up to. My husband and I haven't sent our wedding thank yous yet...people must think we're terrible!
Lots of love,

SilverSpoon London

Sarah Pellew said...

Hello Angie
I am quite sure people don't think you're terrible! You are lovely!
The think is I wrote so many letters - all individual. Its something I feel strongly about so to be accused of not doing so and of thinking myself better than everyone else was so hurtful! Ah well. I hope those who know me will realise I'm alright!

Urban Cynic said...

I think you're over thinking it and being too sensitive. You'll never please anyone and you shouldn't go through life trying to. You thanked this rude (probably deeply unhappy) woman and she acted badly.

Not everyone is nice and you're very lucky you know this about her now so you don't have to be friends with her or have her in your life in any shape or form. She's probably jealous, unhappy, has other things going on... whatever it is, it's not your concern, it's her business.

People who know you will think you're all right, and even if they don't (you remember how well you discovered you knew some people after that Madeleine McCann prog) then fuck em.

Just fuck em Sarah. She was right - you ARE better than her. x

Sarah Pellew said...

You know what Urban ... you're right. I hadn't seen her for years before I invited her to the party. She came along and filled her boots on the free bar and I think she is a very rude, ghastly woman.I hope she reads my post and I hope she realises that you are right ... I and I would say most people are better than her!
Thank you. You always make me