Teenage behaviour ... help!!!

I am sitting here this morning writing instead of watching my 15 year old play football. Its the first time ever that I have not been there for him in 10 years of playing the sport.

I have two boys ... a 14 year old and a 15 year old, and they are good, normal boys. Both are nice lads who enjoy being at home. They don't go out partying yet, but I tend to think that they will do that when they are ready. They are intelligent and polite to strangers ... (strangers being the operative word here).

However ... I am finding it more and more difficult to be a good parent. I am lost as to how to cope with certain situations. I have always tried to be calm, but firm and although I sometimes lose my temper it is rare that I shout these days.

The real bane of my life is the boys' obsession with computers, the x box, their phones. I try to limit the time spent on these, but they always manage to slowly increase time spent. It seems to affect their behaviour in a negative way, but they don't seem to be able to see this.

My eldest son is in his GCSE year, but is not doing any work at home for them. He tells me not to worry as "I'm an A Grade student, Mum", but all he seems to do is sit and watch Minecraft videos on YouTube, or play the xbox. I look at him and remember the little golden boy he used to be and it breaks my heart. He has such potential and appears to be throwing it all away.

Last night at 10.30 I was watching tv and he came down and said he was going to watch Match of the Day now. No question... just a statement. I told him that I was watching tv and that he could watch Match of the Day in the morning as it was being taped. He just refused to accept this and turned it to Match of the Day. He then ranted on at me, saying that I obviously despised him and did nothing for him, that I clearly loved his brother more than him.

Having spent the day ferrying him around, letting him do what he wanted as far as electronics go and generally being pretty nice as far as I was concerned, this was news to me. I stayed calm and replied to his claims logically. But what can you do when a young man who is bigger and stronger than you wants to do something and refuses to back down?

In the past I have always been the boss, the Mum. Whether I have shouted or reasoned I have always been the one in charge and have got both boys to do as I want. Last night was the first time where I found myself at a loss. I could have gone mental and probably got my own way, but I didn't want to go that route. His attitude was so cold, so arrogant. He does nothing around the house, his room is a pit, he refuses to revise ...

I lay in bed crying, and told him in a letter that he needn't expect a lift to football in the morning. He could make his own way. As it was, my phone didn't charge and so the alarm didn't go off and I woke up at 9.30 am. He was supposed to be at the ground at 9.30 for a 10am kick off and typically (because he relies on me so much) he was still in bed.I got up and drove him up there with 10 minutes to spare before kick off. Usually he would have apologised after a falling out, but this morning he was just as horrible as he was last night.

I told him in my letter that he needed to think about his behaviour and apologise to me. He also needed to change the way he behaved as it was unacceptable. I have removed all electronic equipment.

Is this the right way to go? Over the summer holidays we got rid of most of the stuff and he changed into a really rather pleasant boy. I really think that playing horrible games must affect behaviour and I am determined not to let him have them back for a long time.

The thing is that I am afraid of losing him, and uncertain as to how to cope with his behaviour. I need to have him stick to the rules of our house and I want him to be respectful, kind, helpful. I am trying to be consistent, calm and reasonable.

Parenting is so hard. Every day you are faced with yet another decision to make, another challenging behaviour with which to cope. There is no rule book.

I would be interested and grateful for any opinions on this. What should I do? Am I doing the right thing? He will be back in a minute and I wonder how he will behave ...

Teenage boys, grumpiness and the internet.

I am writing this quite quickly in a window of internet availability. The reason for this lack of internet is a ban ...  I have banned the internet in our house as punishment for my two little angels who last night ended up fighting and being generally obnoxious.

My boys are 14 and 15 and, most of the time, they are pretty lovely, typical (if there is such a thing) teenagers. They wander about grunting a great deal of the time and other than football their favourite sport involves the X Box or Facebook.

This is fine to a certain extent, but I like to limit their time on the X Box in particular and they are only allowed on at the weekends, if they've been good. Last night I went up to have an early night and told them both they were to go to bed too. I also said that the internet was going off. As I went downstairs to switch it off they had a kerfuffle ... a mirror was knocked off a wall and a brief 10 second spurt of anger they clashed. That, for me, was 10 seconds too much.

I lost my temper, telling them that such aggressive behaviour was unacceptable and wrong. I also told them that I wanted letters of apology for their behaviour and until I received them the internet would be ... off.

Last night they both saw me as a terrible old witch, one of them refusing to talk to me, the other ( bizarrely) sleeping on the floor in protest over my mean actions. Its funny though how the light of day changes everything and this morning I was met with hugs from my eldest. The youngest was still sulking, but hey...

I find situations like last night so difficult. I know I am lucky to have boys who are good and kind, stay in, don't drink, don't do drugs ... but when they are angry and grumpy they drive me nuts. I never know quite how to react to their behaviour, but I do know that I have standards that I want them to live up to. They need to know that I am boss here and I expect their respect.

I came home from work this lunchtime to discover them both writing letters. They had a half day from school and I couldn't quite believe my eyes. I hadn't reminded them about the letters of apology since last night ... but they had both remembered. They both wrote beautiful, genuine letters apologising to me about the way they acted last night and today we have had lots of hugs and talks.

I am proud of them and although I expect this will not be the last time they drive me nuts at least there is hope that they will grow up to be nice young men!! However ... once this is written the internet is going off again!! I have told them that they can have it on in limited windows so that their time is spent not just glued to a screen. They have written the letters and that's great, but they also need to understand that there is more to life than just the virtual world. They need to know I mean what I say and I may be a mean mama but constant access to YouTube, Facebook and so on is not doing them any good. So there.

A confession ... my throat is sore from screaming at my son.

This is a confession. It has been a lifetime since I confessed to anyone. This morning as I drove to work my throat was practically bleeding from screaming at my eldest son. Bleeding...

I heard him, the other day, on the phone planning a sickie and when he started to tell me he felt ill last night I girded my loins for trouble. In our house you don't get a day off school or work unless you are vomiting or bleeding all over the carpet and it takes a mastermind crossed with the acting ability of Robert Downey Junior to get past me.

So, the huffing and puffing last night and the early night didn't cut it. Especially as he was still listening to the football on the radio until 10pm. When I went in to get him up this morning he told me he felt sick and couldn't possibly go to school ...

I'm afraid I gave him short shrift. It is the classic tale of the boy who cried wolf ... he has attempted to pull the wool over my eyes (unsuccessfully) so many times that I have no patience. He forgets that I have known him for 14 years and have nursed him through various bouts of genuine illness, from chicken pox to tummy bugs. I have mopped his brow and his vomit at all times of day and night. I have sat up with him stroking his hair until he slept.

So I am the wrong person to try to trick when it comes to illness. It does you no favours to borrow the thermometer and hold it under the cold tap and then come downstairs complaining of a temperature. As I said to him "You look remarkably well for a boy in the last stages of hypothermia ..."

This morning I am afraid that his refusal to go to school was greeted with less than usual humour from me. As his protestations went from light groaning to full scale "You are EVIL!!!!" I could take no more. I am a good mum. I am patient, understanding and prone to helping with homework, but today he was right ... I was evil.

I screamed at him. The dam of my emotions burst and I turned into a screaming, shrieking lunatic. I told him that if he hadn't left for school before I left for work I would phone the school and tell them he was refusing to go. I told him the x-box was gone until the end of February and as my heart beat in my chest like a battering hammer my final words before I swept from the room were "If I die of a heart attack right here on your carpet, it will be your fault!!!!!"

Oh, good grief ...

And this from a mother who had vowed never to tell her children even to "Shut up".

He dressed and left for school on time.




p.s. We have talked calmly since this. We have apologised to each other and I have enquired what problems he has at school - none. I have informed him that honesty is the best policy and we have both told each other we love each other. My throat is still sore .... I may have to have a couple of days off work ...