Teenage behaviour ... help!!!

I am sitting here this morning writing instead of watching my 15 year old play football. Its the first time ever that I have not been there for him in 10 years of playing the sport.

I have two boys ... a 14 year old and a 15 year old, and they are good, normal boys. Both are nice lads who enjoy being at home. They don't go out partying yet, but I tend to think that they will do that when they are ready. They are intelligent and polite to strangers ... (strangers being the operative word here).

However ... I am finding it more and more difficult to be a good parent. I am lost as to how to cope with certain situations. I have always tried to be calm, but firm and although I sometimes lose my temper it is rare that I shout these days.

The real bane of my life is the boys' obsession with computers, the x box, their phones. I try to limit the time spent on these, but they always manage to slowly increase time spent. It seems to affect their behaviour in a negative way, but they don't seem to be able to see this.

My eldest son is in his GCSE year, but is not doing any work at home for them. He tells me not to worry as "I'm an A Grade student, Mum", but all he seems to do is sit and watch Minecraft videos on YouTube, or play the xbox. I look at him and remember the little golden boy he used to be and it breaks my heart. He has such potential and appears to be throwing it all away.

Last night at 10.30 I was watching tv and he came down and said he was going to watch Match of the Day now. No question... just a statement. I told him that I was watching tv and that he could watch Match of the Day in the morning as it was being taped. He just refused to accept this and turned it to Match of the Day. He then ranted on at me, saying that I obviously despised him and did nothing for him, that I clearly loved his brother more than him.

Having spent the day ferrying him around, letting him do what he wanted as far as electronics go and generally being pretty nice as far as I was concerned, this was news to me. I stayed calm and replied to his claims logically. But what can you do when a young man who is bigger and stronger than you wants to do something and refuses to back down?

In the past I have always been the boss, the Mum. Whether I have shouted or reasoned I have always been the one in charge and have got both boys to do as I want. Last night was the first time where I found myself at a loss. I could have gone mental and probably got my own way, but I didn't want to go that route. His attitude was so cold, so arrogant. He does nothing around the house, his room is a pit, he refuses to revise ...

I lay in bed crying, and told him in a letter that he needn't expect a lift to football in the morning. He could make his own way. As it was, my phone didn't charge and so the alarm didn't go off and I woke up at 9.30 am. He was supposed to be at the ground at 9.30 for a 10am kick off and typically (because he relies on me so much) he was still in bed.I got up and drove him up there with 10 minutes to spare before kick off. Usually he would have apologised after a falling out, but this morning he was just as horrible as he was last night.

I told him in my letter that he needed to think about his behaviour and apologise to me. He also needed to change the way he behaved as it was unacceptable. I have removed all electronic equipment.

Is this the right way to go? Over the summer holidays we got rid of most of the stuff and he changed into a really rather pleasant boy. I really think that playing horrible games must affect behaviour and I am determined not to let him have them back for a long time.

The thing is that I am afraid of losing him, and uncertain as to how to cope with his behaviour. I need to have him stick to the rules of our house and I want him to be respectful, kind, helpful. I am trying to be consistent, calm and reasonable.

Parenting is so hard. Every day you are faced with yet another decision to make, another challenging behaviour with which to cope. There is no rule book.

I would be interested and grateful for any opinions on this. What should I do? Am I doing the right thing? He will be back in a minute and I wonder how he will behave ...

Teenage boys, grumpiness and the internet.

I am writing this quite quickly in a window of internet availability. The reason for this lack of internet is a ban ...  I have banned the internet in our house as punishment for my two little angels who last night ended up fighting and being generally obnoxious.

My boys are 14 and 15 and, most of the time, they are pretty lovely, typical (if there is such a thing) teenagers. They wander about grunting a great deal of the time and other than football their favourite sport involves the X Box or Facebook.

This is fine to a certain extent, but I like to limit their time on the X Box in particular and they are only allowed on at the weekends, if they've been good. Last night I went up to have an early night and told them both they were to go to bed too. I also said that the internet was going off. As I went downstairs to switch it off they had a kerfuffle ... a mirror was knocked off a wall and a brief 10 second spurt of anger they clashed. That, for me, was 10 seconds too much.

I lost my temper, telling them that such aggressive behaviour was unacceptable and wrong. I also told them that I wanted letters of apology for their behaviour and until I received them the internet would be ... off.

Last night they both saw me as a terrible old witch, one of them refusing to talk to me, the other ( bizarrely) sleeping on the floor in protest over my mean actions. Its funny though how the light of day changes everything and this morning I was met with hugs from my eldest. The youngest was still sulking, but hey...

I find situations like last night so difficult. I know I am lucky to have boys who are good and kind, stay in, don't drink, don't do drugs ... but when they are angry and grumpy they drive me nuts. I never know quite how to react to their behaviour, but I do know that I have standards that I want them to live up to. They need to know that I am boss here and I expect their respect.

I came home from work this lunchtime to discover them both writing letters. They had a half day from school and I couldn't quite believe my eyes. I hadn't reminded them about the letters of apology since last night ... but they had both remembered. They both wrote beautiful, genuine letters apologising to me about the way they acted last night and today we have had lots of hugs and talks.

I am proud of them and although I expect this will not be the last time they drive me nuts at least there is hope that they will grow up to be nice young men!! However ... once this is written the internet is going off again!! I have told them that they can have it on in limited windows so that their time is spent not just glued to a screen. They have written the letters and that's great, but they also need to understand that there is more to life than just the virtual world. They need to know I mean what I say and I may be a mean mama but constant access to YouTube, Facebook and so on is not doing them any good. So there.

Year 10 Revision and trying to help my teenage son.

Having been quite frustrated with my 15 year old son for a while I have taken the bull by the horns.

To give you some background I have to tell you that my son is absolutely wonderful! He is good and kind. He is loving and a real home body who would rather be with us than out and about with his mates in town. He reminds me of myself in so many ways ... we are very similar ... content with our own company, but happy with our friends too.

Recently he has shown signs of teenagerdom and can answer back with the best of them. But he always thinks about his behaviour and although we might have a row he will always apologise  without prompting. All in all we are very lucky to have him!!

However ... his school work has started to be of a concern recently.He has started to show cracks in his otherwise A Grade school career. We have tried to get him to revise for upcoming exams, but he has not done nearly as much as he should have done. He seemed really rather lost and without focus.

I was beginning to really worry. After all, whatever his potential I want him to achieve it, to the the best he can.

Yesterday I had a moment of clarity, of realisation. I realised that he is afraid. He is afraid to fail, awed by the vastness of what lies before him and this fear has made him think 2 things :

a) I just don't know where to start, how to begin, because there is so much to do.

b) If I try hard and fail I will be a real failure, but if I don't try ... and fail, people will say " Oh well, he didn't try. If he had tried he would have been brilliant"

I know because that's how I have thought in the past.

So today I got up early and took his planner so I could see what lessons he had when. Then I worked out a revision timetable, a study timetable with a file for notes on what he does each day and an exercise book that I can guide him as to what to do .... things like

• What did you cover in your lesson today ... summarise briefly.
• Any problems?
• Key words, formulae?
• Go to school website and follow instructions for past paper, game, article etc

Each task had a box to tick and there were not too many tasks. At the end of each subject he could look and see that he had ticked all the boxes and actually achieved a block of work.

I also bought chocolate as an incentive and wrote at the start of his book ...

 Every journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step ...

To my joy and amazement he sat at the kitchen table and studied. He took breaks between subjects, but seemed genuinely pleased and relieved that I had done this for him. It will take up some of my time, but I hope that he will start to understand how to do it for himself and gain a real sense of achievement.

I hope I have done the right thing. I just want to support him and help him to do the best he can. He is such a lovely boy.

Life with Teenage Boys ... give me strength.

I have just eaten a date and cranberry hot cross bun followed by a large mug of tea. I am allowed to do that because today is not a fast day ( see previous 2 posts ...) The reason I have eaten this frankly delicious combo of carbs and caffeine is because I share a house with two teenage boys. If I allowed myself full rein I would have eaten the whole packet of said hot cross buns ...

This holiday has consisted of me nagging them to revise for exams ... me nagging them to wash ... me nagging them to help around the house ... I have tried bribery and various other forms of corruption as well as the old fashioned "Do this or I will kill you!" technique. And, at the end of the day, none of it works. They are, before my very eyes, turning into two morose, lazy, rude, x-box obsessed monsters.

These are not my boys ... photo courtesy of the Guardian.

I know this is harsh. Despite this fact I do still love them and would probably throw myself infront of a speeding bullet to save them, but quite often these days they are rather hard to like. This may not be the accepted school of thought for a mum to take, but this is my blog and I'll write what I want to.

I have tried reasoning, tried cajoling, tried shouting, tried bargaining ... and nothing works. I wanted to do something with them each day ... visiting places, going to the cinema, going out to eat ... and yet they show no interest in this. This afternoon I had planned on taking them to the cinema and to McDonalds for lunch. I gave them a choice of films ... The eldest refused point blank to go. The youngest came along, but was so rude when I said he would be having the McDonalds for lunch rather than after the film for tea, that I took him straight back home.

So that is it. I have told them that I will no longer nag. They assure me that revision is under control and they "know what to do ..." so its over to them. If they are so grown up then they can jolly well get on with it. I will spend the next week of this holiday doing what I want to do ... garden centre, exhibitions, dinner, allotment. And they can continue with their x- box, their lap top, their ipad. They can fry their brains with internet waves and grow their thumb muscles to obscenely huge sizes through their obsessive use of gaming controls.

And when they fail their exams they will face an electronic free world. There will be no mercy. There will be no x-box, no .... nothing with a screen or a twiddly control. I am so sick of their attitude, their arrogance and their addiction to You Tube, Fifa 13, Minecraft and Facebook. I am no longer going to nag them ... the ball is firmly in their court. I hope they prove me wrong and both come out with shining results, but I fear they are in for a nasty shock.

You may think me a terrible mother and you may be right. I have never claimed to be a good mum. I know my boys could be much worse. They could be out on the streets drinking or doing drugs, having under age sex and vandalising the local cricket club pavilion ( God, how middle class does that sound ... ) but what I want is for them to achieve their potential. I hate to see an A grade student getting Bs and Cs, refusing to write anything down or read his set books. I hate feeling so incredibly frustrated and rejected by them. They do not want to spend time with me and consider me stupid and petty. They drive me nuts with their attitude and their complete lack of enthusiasm for anything.

I have spent the last 15 years doing my best for them and all they do is behave as if its their God given right to do what they want, when they want, with no regard for anyone else. I suppose to some of you my post might sound a bit pathetic, and reading it back I would tend to agree with you, but I am going crazy with frustration here. What happened to my little boys??

The day I see them both happy, in good jobs, with loving partners and their own obnoxious teenagers ... I will shriek with joy ...