When dressing like a tart is ok. Apparently.

Before I moved to the country and became Secret Housewife I lived in London and worked in a Mayfair casino. I wasn't what you might imagine a croupier to be, sadly. I was a tad serious and took my job seriously too. That's not to say I didn't have fun, but I wanted, at the same time, to be respected as a professional. Each day I was dealing with very wealthy businessmen, making complicated calculations and negotiating with them so that the casino ran smoothly. The casino business is full of very bright women who work hard and run the businesses, multi-million pound businesses, very professionally.

I was incensed when my club director chose some of the female staff to dress up in Santa mini dresses to have their photos taken for the club Christmas photo. I remember making my views known and one of the women told me that I was just jealous that I hadn't been chosen. NO NO NO!! The reason I was cross was because they were allowing themselves be manipulated by the man running the place, to assume the image of .... tart. How could they be respected by the clientele if they were seen on the front of a Christmas card wearing a low cut dress that skimmed their bottom cheeks as they leaned seductively over a roulette table ?

And now, nearly 20 years later I find myself furious again. Of course I still know lots of people in the casino business and today, on my Facebook feed, up popped the photo below. I am apoplectic. It is possible to be an attractive woman without draping yourself over a dice table wearing only a bra, some shorts and a pair of stockings. What image do these women send to the outside world? Do you look at them and think " Ah, yes. Intelligent women, brimming with intellect, proud of their professionalism" ? Or do you think that they look like they're up for a  good time ... to put it nicely?

The thing that really gets to me is that they allow themselves to be used like this. Have we learnt nothing over the years? I am not saying that we all need to burn our bras, wear no make up and wear shapeless dungarees, but for God's sake!!! Clientele will not look at this photo and think that the casino in question is staffed by strong professional women. 

People, and I include women when I say this, tell me that I need to lighten up, but why should I? How many men do you see behaving in this way? Do you see Donald Trump or David Cameron behave like this? Is it "just a bit of fun" or is it hugely damaging to the image of women? What does it achieve?

I am sure that the 3 women above are just as professional and good at their jobs as croupiers as I was, but when you look at them do you really think that? Or do you think ... sex? Are they trying to get punters into their club by making them think that they can get a cheap thrill? Maybe a quick feel? Because that's what it looks like.

I am so frustrated by this. I am frustrated that nothing has changed. I am frustrated that this is seen as fun and acceptable by people in the industry still. I am frustrated that women think they have to do this to be successful. I am angry that anyone would ask a woman to dress like this and that the women would feel that they should or that it was in anyway ok. A casino is a place to gamble. It is not a whorehouse, but that is what this photo implies.

Update

I have discovered that the women in the photo above are not croupiers but dancers who work in the casino.  The casino PR department is still using the image to pull men into the premises and, to be honest, I think my point still stands.

A cautionary tale to share ...

I have been wondering whether to write this post for reasons you will understand when you have read it. However, I think that it is important for people to realise how easy it is to get into deep deep trouble very quickly. So I am writing this as a cautionary tale that I hope you will share.

We have just spent 2 weeks in Turkey. Its a beautiful country and I love it, love the people, the food ... everything. We discovered, a couple of years ago, a little excursion that was fun, relaxing and enjoyable. It was so good that I did plan on writing a post about it ... This year we booked it up again and when we arrived at the start location the lady who ran it ( an English lady in her 60's) was thrilled to see us again. We met like old friends ... kisses, hugs. Of course we were not friends, but we were repeat guests and I told her I would be writing a post about her excursion so wanted to get lots of pictures. She was chuffed and kept going on about how wonderful we all were.

Then she asked if I'd mind taking a package home with me.

It threw me. A package from a stranger? But she was, sort of, known to us. She was very friendly and ordinary and English. What could go wrong? I asked her why she didn't just post it from Turkey. I said we wouldn't be home for another week. And she said that the Turkish post was unreliable and she'd really appreciate it if we would post it from England to her friend. She gave me some money, a couple of pounds, for postage and laughed "Don't worry!! Its nothing ... not drugs or anything dodgy!!!"

So, being English, and polite and not wanting to offend her ... I took it.

It was one of those small padded envelopes with an address in Northern England.

We continued with our excursion, had a lovely day and then headed back to our hotel. All the time the package worried me. I knew I shouldn't have agreed to take it, but I didn't know what to do. My husband felt the same. Should we just send it from Turkey? But then, how would we do that? Should we open it, check what was inside and then either take it home and send it or repackage it and send it?

 All these questions and worries ... I don't know about you, but I have always been taught that someone else's post is sacrosanct. You don't ever open another person's post. I don't even open my husband's letters, never mind a stranger's. I thought it would be wrong to open another person's mail, but then I wasn't prepared to take something through customs when I didn't know what it was. Through Turkish customs ... have you seen Midnight Express ...?

I decided that my loyalty was not to a woman I had met twice. My loyalty was to my two boys, my husband and myself ... so I opened it. What fell onto the hotel bed? I thought it would perhaps be a bracelet ...  a booklet ... a fridge magnet with a little letter saying " Here's the trinket I promised you ..." But no ... onto the bed fell packet after packet of foil, blister packs of pills. OMFG.

You cannot imagine the combination of fury, relief and fear that came over me. Can you imagine what would have happened if I'd taken those through customs?? The packets were wrapped with instruction leaflets that said these were strong anti-inflammatories. They could have been anything.

How would the conversation have gone at the airport? All the variations went through my head ... all ending with my family in a Turkish prison. If we had been lucky we might have just ended up in a British prison. My husband would have lost his job. I would have lost my job. My boys ... 2 innocent, beautiful English boys ...

My husband came back from saying goodnight to our sons and I handed him the envelope. "Have a look at that" I said. We just stared at each other... "Fuck me. Fuck me!!"

How dare someone put us in a situation like that. How dare she use our politeness and niceness as a way of tricking us into doing this thing. And thank God that although we are nice we are not stupid. There was no letter inside the package, no note saying "Dear Auntie Jackie, Here are those pills for your poorly knees. Hope you feel better soon. Love Tracey" There was nothing to connect the package to the true sender.

Dodgy. Dodgy. Dodgy.

I took it, wrapped it in a carrier bag and dumped it in a bin far away.

I am the most honest, law abiding person and yet that's what all these people say isn't it? Who would have believed me? Another greedy person out to make a quick buck and beat the system. Another idiot caught trying to carry something through for someone else.

I am so angry with that woman. I cannot believe that she could put us, my family in such danger. Even if they were only prescription pills they were still pills. They were still illegal to take from one country to another. I would never do something like that, never mind get an innocent family to do my dirty work. How dare she?? How bloody dare she??!!

It frightens me to even write this down. It frightens me to have ever had them in my possession. But I wanted you to know how easy it is to be tricked. How easy it is for someone to take advantage of your good will, your politeness. Don't ever make the mistake we did. I will never ever make that mistake of just saying "Yes" because I was embarrassed to say no. If I had asked would she have told the truth about what was in that parcel? I will never trust anyone like that again. I am so glad I broke etiquette and looked inside. Thank God we are safe, I pray.

Don't be a fool. Don't be tricked. Don't be taken advantage of. Your loyalty is to yourself and your family.

The right to be happy.

I posted a little while ago about having to bite my tongue and not tell someone how I felt about them. I am not a person who likes confrontation and I will avoid it if possible, but when I do eventually decide that the time has come to speak up ... I do.

I have had two occasions recently where I have felt compelled to speak out. I have not enjoyed either experience, but I know I have done the right thing. Some people, when they get angry, lose control. I go the other way. For me its as if the world slows right down and I know exactly what to say, how to counter arguments.

I am not rude. I am not aggressive. But I do speak my mind and I do not shy away from telling someone what I think of a situation. I am not prepared to be walked over.

There are some people who think that they can use their position to intimidate. Some people think that others will be afraid to speak their mind and be afraid to stand up for those around them who are weak and defenceless. Well, those people are bullies and I am not going to be bullied by them.

I am not going to go into the details on here. I would prefer that neither incident had happened, but they have, and although they have left me with a bitter after taste I know that if I had sat back and said nothing, taken what they were doling out to me, I would have felt worse.

So, we shall see what happens next. I have the right to be happy.

Jaw clamped, shoulders tense ... prepare for a little bit of a rant.

At this very moment my jaw and teeth are aching. The reason for this is because I am so tense that my jaw is permanently clamped shut unless I make a conscious effort to stop it. I keep getting headaches because of both my jaw and my shoulders which are tight and nestled up around my ears most of the time.

And why do I feel this way? Well, I can't go into huge detail on here, but there is a person on the outskirts of my life right now who is making me feel totally stressed out. I am trying very hard to just not care. I am trying very hard not to moan at anyone and to make light of the situation if anyone asks me, but I think that the fact I am doing this is contributing to my tension.

I am a really friendly, chatty person and its like someone... well, this person, has dumped concrete over me. Unless I speak to them they make no attempt to speak to me. I offer to to help with things, they refuse my help. I am kept at arms length at all times and let me tell you - this person's arms are about a mile long.

At first I was upset at being ostracised. Now I am just angry. There is no escape right now. We have to be involved in each others lives for a while because that's the way life goes, but its hard to be treated this way. I have talked to this person in an attempt to improve life in a practical way, but when it comes down to personality clashes - what can you do?

I would imagine that I am not the only one to be affected by this person in this way and I know for a fact that a person I know very well was totally miserable because of the same person.

I know that you may advise me to walk away, have it out with them ... but those options are not possible. I know I am being cryptic here, but take it from me. The options above would just make my life worse right now. I am doing my best to spend as little time as possible with this person and to try to be calm and unaffected. It would appear, however, that my attempts are failing. The best way to describe being in this person's presence is to compare them with a dementor - sucking my joy from my soul ...

Dramatic, I know. In the great scheme of things this problem is not that important. My life away from the dementor is good, happy, wonderful. I just have to get on with it and leave my complaining to the ether of my blog. What a wonderful thing blogs are for venting our pent up and unsayable feelings!! So I shall continue to try and unclamp my jaw, try to relax my shoulders, try to keep my tongue still and not tell this person exactly what I think of them. Bullies come in all shapes and forms and some are perhaps so miserable themselves that they don't realise the affect they are having on others. I will not be beaten and I will not stop being a caring, happy person. So there.